


Shine! Aqours Rangers!

by plumeraccoon



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project, Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Attempt at Humor, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Comedy, Fallen Angels, Friendship is Magic, Gen, Good versus Evil, Humor, Magical Girls, Monster of the Week, Tropes, Weird Plot Shit, Weirdness, World Domination
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2018-12-15 07:29:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 50,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11801331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plumeraccoon/pseuds/plumeraccoon
Summary: SEASON 1: --COMPLETE--SEASON 2: --COMPLETE--Earth on the brink of ruin? Check. Fallen angel hell bent on world domination? Check. Three ordinary high school girls become magical girls to save the world? Check. A series of gimmicks and hijinks that make for a cliche gone mad? Double check.Brought to you by a guy who spends WAY too much time on TVTropes. Author not responsible for side effects of silliness as a result of reading this fic.





	1. Prologue

**PROLOGUE**

In the 21st century, the Earth stands on the brink of destruction. Legions of spawns of darkness, under the command of the spiteful fallen angel Yohane, stand ready to bring death and ruin on a scale never before seen. Starting with the city of Numazu, the legions terrorize the populace and drain them of their life force like a juice box. And with every victim they suck dry, they bring it before their queen who grows ever stronger.

Before long, all of Earth shall be enslaved under the banner of Yohane’s demonic legion unless a triad of legends steps forth and oppose her.

As destiny would have it, Numazu is home to such a triad.

“Shine! Aqours Rangers!”

With the blessings of the heavens, three ordinary high school girls bathe in hallowed light. School uniforms give way to radiant, color-coded dresses. On their hands, they wield their arms against the dark menace. For the orange (*thwack* MIKAN!) leader who inspires, a sword to cut through the darkness. For the blue sailor whose love of the sea knows no bounds, a crossbow to sweep the evil clean. For the pink maiden in search of the greatest tune, a staff to rain magic down on her enemies.

“Sing! Aqours Pink!”

“Steady on! Aqours Blue!”

“Sparkle! Aqours Mikan!”

 Together, they shine. Together, they are the Aqours Rangers: humanity’s last hope.

The menacing legions swarm with their numbers, but they stand little chance against the heroines’ attacks. The front-liner Aqours Mikan cuts through the assortment of demons as she brushes off their insults. Supporting the advance, Aqours Blue takes out the enemies around her leader with a rain of arrows. Soon, a blast of cleansing fire from Aqours Pink carves a path to the monument of madness at the end.

With time of the essence, the girls hurry to the monument—the final stage in the struggle of light and darkness. At the very top, the black wings of the fallen angel loom before them, cackling at the foolishness of challenging her prowess. “You think you can defeat me, Yohane, who has laid waste to countless worlds and spared no quarter?”

“Your reign of terror is over, Yohane!” cried Aqours Mikan. “Leave now and never come back. This is your last warning.”

With a hysterical laugh, the fallen angel downplays their threats. “Me? Leave? If you think I’ve lost this day, think again. I will use the life force I’ve gathered to crush humanity’s last hope.”

Yohane takes on her final form: a spread of eight wings that blot out the light of hope in the sky, malicious magic seeping out of her body. A single blast of dark energy engulfs the battlefield in an explosion only the destroyer of worlds can dream of. Through the clearing smoke, the battered bodies of the rangers lay nearly lifeless, to Yohane’s twisted delight.

“Foolish mortals,” she charged up for a bigger shot, one to take out the rangers and all of humanity once and for all. “I have grown _far_ too powerful for any creature in the universe to oppose me.  Now, you and your world shall _perish_.”

Much to her surprise, the rangers struggle to get back on their feet, starting with Aqours Pink. “Not yet…we’re not done yet.”

“Everyone’s…counting on us,” Aqours Blue followed suit.

“We’ve come…too far…to give up…now,” Aqours Mikan picked up her sword along with her will to fight. “No, we _can’t…_ give up. No matter what.”

Yohane cackled at the desperation of her opponents, ready to fire her own version of the destroyer of worlds. “You really want to die that badly? Very well! I shall send you all to OBLIVION!”

The ensuing battle was fierce. Neither side gave an inch of ground, let alone any quarter when the whole world is at stake. In one final showdown, they unleash their most powerful attacks.

“Take this! Galaxy Crusher!”

“Aqours Ultimate Assault! Shining Heart!”

The balance of power tips in favor of good, backed by the power from friends and family. Shrieking a longer “NOOOOOO” than Darth Vader, Yohane dissolves in a blast of hallowed light. The sky clears over a ruined city, the legions of demons scorched to death by the rays of the heavens. With the loss of their queen, the evil that plagues Numazu ceases to exist.

“We did it,” said an astounded Aqours Mikan. “We saved the world.”

“Yeah, we did,” replied Aqours Blue.

“Let’s hope that this is the last we’ll see of her,” replied Aqours Pink.

And so, a new era of lasting peace ushers in.

Except that this prologue is full of crap and you know it. Here’s what _really_ happened.


	2. The Darkness Awakens [Not That It Was Ever Asleep]

Blessed with another beautiful morning, the quaint village of Uchiura gets ready for a busy day. The sparse early birds bathe under the warmth of the spring sunrise, carried forth by a calming breeze beyond the horizon. The churn of gentle waves plays an etude of calm, joined by an orchestra of _literal_ early birds in the adjacent forests. Clear, blue skies indicate another day of fair weather, one of many to come as long as the world continues to exist.

And if you’ll listen closely, the screams of high school girls on the run from a Rottweiler on the loose shatters the morning peace the author has worked so hard to describe. “AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!”

“Chika-chan, what did you do?!” Riko’s well-kept hair inched closer to getting bitten off.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” cried Chika. “I didn’t know that he didn’t like belly rubs!”

“It’s not even your dog! What in the world were you thinking?!”

“I can’t help it! He’s _so_ cute!”

“You call this one cute?! I can’t believe you!”

You can’t help but be the bearer of worse news. Someone has to. “Uh, girls? He’s getting closer!”

Riko posits a good question at the worst possible time. “How far can this stupid dog run?”

“Keep running!” yelled You. “I don’t want to find out!”

A crossroads looms before the pursued. Ever the radical thinker, Chika comes up with a last-minute plan of action. “Everyone, split up! We’ll meet back at the bus station!”

No time to choose, let alone think. They break off from each other in one of three possible avenues of escape. Coming up to the crossroads, the dog hesitates but barely slows down. Instinct tells it to go after Riko, to which—sadly for the cynophobe—the dog concurs. At least the dog isn’t rabid, but its consistent spray of saliva might as well look like one.

“Noooooo! Why me?!” she cried. Another good question.

Finally, there’s a lull in the action, at least on Chika’s end. On the verge of passing out, she takes this chance to catch her breath. Her shaky legs threaten to give way and force her to crawl to school. She dislikes the idea of attending first period a literal spider man but also tardiness, which at this point is nigh inevitable. At least she can look back and laugh at the time she and her friends came close from the jaws of death.

You know what else is worth reminiscing in the future? The dog coming back for Chika’s backside, now more pissed off than before. Just look at how happy Chika is.

“He, he, he…g-good doggie…”

But this was no ordinary mailman chaser. What kind of breed sports teeth jagged as the Himalayas, fur as black as the emptiness of space, and eyes on crack? Not to mention the fact that it looms over Chika like a bus to a pedestrian. Not a soul was outside to witness the imminent carnage, much less save her from one. Whatever is an ordinary second-year to do? Pray that her savior falls down from the clear, blue sky?

That’s exactly what happens: a squirrel-like creature swooping in and thwarting the demonic dog with an invisible barrier. Its necklace of three brilliant stones glow as it faced the danger. At this point, the whole scene plays out the same way as those magical girl shows on TV. Be at the mercy of a bloodthirsty spawn of darkness, have a mysterious animal swoop in and save the day, and make a contract with said animal. Not that said animal finds decapitated magical girls entertainment, but at least it looks out for innocent creatures.

“What are you still doing here? Run!” the animal communicated to Chika with its mind.

“What about you?” Chika asked in reply.

“Run! There’s nothing you can do here!”

The barrier soon starts to crack, all the more reason for Chika to hightail out of the fight. She doesn’t get far, though, as the ungodly shatter forces her to turn back, only to see her savior getting chewed up. Precious seconds whittle down as she chooses between running for her life and risking life and limb to return the favor.

A minute into the demon’s grotesque limb-ripping, she jumps into action. Several missing limbs are small price to pay if she can help her savior out. “Don’t worry, I’ll get you out.”

“No! I told you to run!” yelled the animal via telepathy.

“I _am_ running! Running to save you!”

“Don’t be stupid! You don’t have what—”

“That won’t stop me from doing _something_!”

Reaching out to the beleaguered creature, Chika’s resolve ignites a burst of light that breaks up the fight. Flesh and bone melt off the demon, howling in excruciating pain and staggering. In this break in the action, Chika hurries to the fatally-wounded animal’s side. No waterworks for now, not when their lives still hang by a thread.

“Why…why didn’t you run?” the animal asked, gasping breaths in its death throes.

“I…I don’t know,” Chika held the dying critter in her arms. “I could’ve run away. But something told me to help you out.”

“You saw…what that thing…can do to you…right?”

“Of course. Still…”

A stifling roar catches their attention. Disfigured beyond any plastic surgeon’s ability, their demonic guest returns for Round Two. It drags its mangled legs, borrowed time for its victims to put an end to this fight once and for all. “There’s no time,” said the animal. “What’s your name, human?”

“Eh? Uh, I’m Chika. Chika Takami.”

One of the stones glowed warm yellow. “Hold the yellow stone, Chika.”

“What for?”

“Just do it!”

Should she or should she not? No time to doubt, let alone think. Chika grasps the shimmering stone on the fly. “Okay. Now what?”

“Repeat after me.”

_Holy light shine so bright_

_Cast the evil from my sight_

_Grant me the will to fight_

_So I may break this plight_

The glow intensifies, but so does the demon’s persistence. With another terrifying roar, Chika loses heart. Lucky for her, the mysterious animal turns out to be quite the pep talker. “Focus, Chika! This is the only way!”

“O-Okay!” cried a terrified Chika.

_Seven heavens, I offer my life_

_Take up arms in time of strife_

_I, Chika Takami, take the sword_

_Shine, Aqours Ranger! Behold!_

They barely make it as the demon lunges for its breakfast. A staggering flash almost incinerates the abomination at point-blank and almost defeats the purpose of contracting Chika as a magical girl. In that light, well…you know the drill. Step one: get the light (and convenient censorship) to undress her. Step two: close eyes and moan in pleasure. Step three: let some weird ribbons provide a change of clothes. Step four: smile for the camera and strike a pose.

“Shine! Aqours Mikan!”

Wait, she isn’t going with orange? Orange is the color, right? No? Okay, _mikan_ it is.

**~O~**

This is the part where the heroine enjoys her crowning moment of awesome, kicking ass and taking names. Not too difficult, especially when the enemy ahead is limping from an overdose of light from earlier. Instead, Miss “I Want to Shine” ends up freaking out on what to do next. Before that, there’s also the matter of misplaced priorities.

“W-W-What is this?” cried a frantic Chika. “What happened to my uniform? My bag! Where did my bag go?! My homework’s in there!”

While too weak to answer, the wounded creature may be regretting contracting her. Aqours Oran—er, Mikan will have to learn the ropes alone, against a foe that simply refuses to die no less.

The demon comes after her, swiping with its claws, only to hit nothing but air. She plays the demon for a fool for the first minute, but it won’t end any fights. She needs a way to fight back, which she does with an opportune punch at the back.

There’s a reason for most magical girls being endowed with pure magic, not super strength. Chika learns that the hard way, as the demon shrugs off the insult and smacks her in response. No visible damage to clothing, sadly, but her ego took a bad hit. Now, she’s _really_ at a loss as to what to do. Her last hope lies on her injured friend who utters a few words before passing out: “Sunshine…Sword…”

“Sunshine Sword?” asked Chika in reply.

Cue a yellow magic circle from the ground and a sparkling blade coming forth. Again, there’s little to no time to think. With a tight grip and a warrior’s resolve, Chika charges the demon head-on for the decisive blow. The blade cut right through the demon as a hot knife would through butter. The only difference is that butter melts while spawns of darkness dissolves into millions of bits that dissolve even further in the air. Nothing is left behind, not a wicked cell of it.

A quick end, but nothing short of awesome, at least for her first time. She returns to the care of her wounded savior, now dissolving into an upward stream of light. Of course, the prognosis is dire.

“No! Please don’t go!” Chika cradled the dying creature in her arms. “Please tell me what’s going on. What am I supposed to do now?”

But not even her determination from earlier can save the poor fellow. He vanishes in her arms, into whatever afterlife that awaits him. Sadness and confusion meld together, as Chika mourns her loss but doesn’t shed a tear. His last traces disappear within minutes, leaving behind the necklace with the two remaining stones, a telltale sign of a great responsibility ahead.

Then, friendly voices from behind. “Chika-chan?”

She sees her two friends safe and sound, oblivious to the auspicious chain of events until now. “You-chan…Riko-chan…”

“Chika-chan, what’s with that getup?” asked You.

“It’s a long story,” Aqours Mikan wore an awkward smile.


	3. Farewell, Ordinary Life [It Could Use the Weirdness, Anyway]

Long story short, Chika’s ordinary life is officially no more. Short story long, details are below.

Saving the world will have to be added to her daily routine, somewhere between school and school idol activities. Then again, evil chooses to wreak havoc at its expediency, which is anytime she least expects it to. Sleepless nights, missed homework, ditching afterschool practice, and an eternity of her older sister Mito munching on her pudding stash stand to change her life forever. No do-overs, no respawns, no save points.

On the bright side, she managed to get her uniform, bag, and homework back for first period—half-an-hour later. Like the goofballs who came before her, Chika would have more than her fair share of homework tonight. Her tantrums over lunch were somewhat reasonable, at least to her two best friends who got away with a warning.

“What’s her deal anyway?” Chika mumbled. “There’s nothing wrong with what I said, right? A rabid dog attacked us, another dog from who-knows-where attacked me, I transform into a magical girl…”

“You can’t expect her to believe all that,” Riko sighed.

“Whose side are you on, Riko-chan?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. That’s a lot to take in, even for you.”

“Aw, what am I gonna do now?”

There are a lot of things Chika can start with. The more responsible magical girls will try to sort out their priorities before another battle to be more prepared. They’ll also try to master their newfound powers and create a credo in responsible use. Keeping friends and family out of harm’s way is also a must, usually by keeping their identities a secret.

Except the costume already fails in hiding identities and its wearer is anything _but_ responsible. Out of desperation, Chika breaks the “keep friends and family out of harm’s way” rule. “You-chan, Riko-chan, please become magical girls with me!”

That went as well as anyone’s guess.

“E-Eh?” You and Riko replied, growing more confused when their magical friend started shoving the inert stones in their faces.

“Pretty please?” Chika pleaded. “I can’t do this alone. I _don’t want_ to do this alone.”

Turning down the invitation is already a given. But being good friends with Chika, You and Riko just can’t find the courage to do so. Not even looking at each other will be able to give them answers. But they have to say something or she’ll take their silence as a yes.

Cue the shrieks of fellow students running for their lives and the follow-up roar of a creature Chika knows all too well. “Are you for real?!”

The girls don’t get far before seeing another demonic dog running amok just outside the school. She has to face the same extra-large spawn of darkness sporting the same serrated jaws and bloodshot eyes. And of all the times, to Chika’s chagrin, Hello Ugly decides to wreak havoc on a school day, one of perhaps few vestiges of her ordinary life. The worst part? There’s no time for throwing tantrums.

“What are you waiting for, Chika-chan? Do something,” You urged.

“What? But I…I…” Chika replied, visibly shaken.

“You’re the only one who can stop that thing. Please, Chika-chan.”

Adding pressure to her decision, Chika sees a fellow student trip and fall. The demon closes in, ever drooling at the sight of terrified meat on a concrete platter.  “Someone help me!”

“Chika-chan!” You and Riko urged together.

In a fit of frustration, she yanked the glowing stone from her necklace and raised it up. Seeing divine power as a tastier meal than raw flesh, the demon turned away from the terrified student. She kept her pose for several seconds, albeit shaking as the enemy before her loomed closer. At this point, anyone with half a brain can tell something went wrong.

Something _indeed_ went wrong. “I…forgot.”

“WHAT?!” cried her friends, their inevitable doom inching.

“I can’t help it,” Chika said. “The enchantment’s too long. How am I supposed to memorize all that?”

“Surely you remember something,” a frantic Riko said. “A line? Not even a phrase? Anything?”

“Not without that creature from earlier. Frankly, he didn’t stick around long enough to at least give me a freaking _manual_.”

“Please remember something! I don’t want to die!”

“I can’t! About the only thing I remember is _‘Shine, Aqours Ranger!’”_

Dumb luck pulls through for the heroine of the hour, as the unlikely trigger immediately bathes her in a flash that nearly gives You and Riko cataracts. Like before, the demon is unable to get any closer without searing its flesh well done. Precious seconds later, Aqours Mikan strikes her signature cute pose before everyone and their grandparents within a hundred yards. Any vestige of her normal life goes down the drain, along with almost all of her dignity. “Shine! Aqours Mikan!”

Regardless, cute poses are cardinal in the magical girl rulebook. Not that it’s practical for anything.

“Should you really be striking a pose at a time like this?” Riko glared at Chika with deadpan eyes.

“Should you really be judging others at a time like this?” Chika responded the same way.

“I’m just saying. It’s stupid.”

“Maybe you’ll learn more once you become a magical girl with me.”

“That’s a ridiculous argument.”

“Not as ridiculous as the Three Mermaids.”

“Oh! You did not just—”

RAAAAAWRRRR!!!

“ _Why_ don’t we save our differences for later, girls?” You suggested, to which her friends concurred.

**~O~**

From the safety of the school building, the handful of students watches the battle of good versus evil unfold. No doubt as to the side they’re rooting for, even more upon seeing that she can hold her own against something straight out of fairytales. For all her shortcomings earlier, Chika fights the demon with steadfastness the likes of which have never been seen. Strike after strike, the latter falters and flinches. The heated fight gives her no time to ask herself how she can do all this and more. It simply comes to her, reasoning akin to a poorly-conceived literary device pulled from the cracks of gods.

Even her decisive special attack is of her own creation. Charge up the blade until yellow as the Sun and swing it to release a destructive wave—“Daybreak Flare,” as she yells from the top of her lungs. As grotesque seeing the demon cut in two appears, it leaves no trace as it dissolves into millions of pieces and fizzles in the air. The battle ends with another victory for the side of good, albeit leaving the entrance mangled.

“Good work, Chika-san,” Dia walked up to offer her congratulations with a smidge of sarcasm. “You saved the school _and_ destroyed the entrance. What do you have to say for yourself?”

“Dia-san, it’s not my fault,” said a jittery Chika, though she may as well shut up. “You saw that _thing_ , didn’t you? Don’t tell me—”

“Do you have any idea how tight Uranohoshi’s finances are right now?”

“Err…what are you—?”

Nothing expresses a student council president’s frustration for collateral damage caused by magical beings than an old-fashioned chokehold. “THIS TIGHT!”

“D-Dia-san…can’t…breathe…”

“I have no idea where and how you got those outlandish powers,” Dia tightened the noose around Chika. “But by no means should you be throwing them around and giving me a lot of grief! We are in danger of being shut down here, yet here you are going hero like nobody’s business!”

“Ack! I…s-sorry, D-Dia-s…san…”

Of course, she knows better not to vent out her frustration by almost killing someone. She lets Chika go and walks away sobbing. “I’ll have to borrow money from Mari-san again. I _really_ don’t like doing that. Not at all.”

Loans mean little compared to the darkness making its next move toward total world domination, if at all. Two attacks have been thwarted, but an aficionado of the magical girl genre knows that tens of millions more stand ready, half of them to be monsters of the week. Just a taste of the battles to come and the chosen one wants out.

“Geez! I don’t want to be a magical girl anymore!” she yelled.

“Come on, Chika-chan,” You offered her shoulder to cry on.

“Yeah, don’t take Dia-san’s tantrums personally,” Riko said. “I’m sure she’s just as grateful for saving the school.”

But it would take a lot of convincing before this gravy train really gets going. “I want my normal life back! Give it BAAAAACK!”


	4. Mikan in Hell [Who's Gonna Walk Her Out?]

_The train leaves the station at 9:00 a.m. heading south at 60 mph. Another train leaves the station an hour later heading north at 50 mph. Two hours after the first train leaves its station, the two trains are 100 miles apart. They are scheduled to stop at a common station in the next hour, but the second train suffers from engine trouble halfway to its destination, forcing it to cut its speed to 30 mph. How long will the two trains take before meeting at the common station?_

This is how the rest of the class sees this problem on the board:

_The train leaves the station at 9:00 a.m. heading south at 60 mph. Another train leaves the station an hour later heading north at 50 mph. Two hours after the first train leaves its station, a farmer takes a break by eating a bowl of rice and sashimi. The doujin authors are expected to be at the Ariake before the trains collide in a mangled show of flesh and blood because some idiot decided to put the trains on the same track. Calculate the Schwarzschild radius of the planet Mercury._

This is how an exhausted Chika sees the problem:

_Kanan’s happy party train leaves the station with a boatload of mikan. The train is heading for Chika’s house at the speed of Riko being chased by Shiitake raised to the Ganbaruby power. Chika just wants to go home. It’s joke. Yousoro._

Nobody expects another kind of evil to manifest right after witnessing the first: math problems. The malice of math teachers putting trains on a collision course can only be exceeded by the hatred that goes in formulating such problems for students to solve for long hours. Not a soul raised its hand in vanquishing the more powerful evil before them, and cutting up the blackboard with the Sunshine Sword won’t earn any favors.

The teacher doesn’t want their hands, anyway. She goes for the heroine of the hour, paying no heed to her grogginess. “Takami-san, can you solve this problem?”

More often than not, the chosen ones are total scatterbrains. You and Riko can only watch as Chika walks up to determine the fate of hundreds of passengers and cargo in the next hour or so. All eyes can see that she’s not in the mood to undo a pair of Gordian earphones. Saving the school from a rampaging spawn of darkness, apparently, accounts for jack in academics.

“Looks like that last fight took a lot out of her,” You whispered to Riko beside her.

“With that kind of power, I wouldn’t be surprised,” Riko whispered back.

“I hate to say this, but I think she really needs help.”

“Yeah, but what can we do?”

“I don’t know, but we have to do _something_.”

Chalk on hand, Chika barely writes anything related to the problem on the board. As if that isn’t bad enough, ears turn to the sound of more feral roars outside the ravaged school entrance. This point in the saga, Chika has grown indifferent to the echoes of humanity’s doom. After all, it’s not that the abominations are going away just by saying “Pretty please.”

And judging by the entire class’s looks of anticipation, she more or less knows what’s on their mind. “Don’t worry. I’m on it,” she walked out of the room nonchalantly.

She gets as far as the shoe lockers to see not one or two but a whole gaggle of the same carnivorous canines. Their numbers flood the school entrance for reasons this story will get to later. It comes as no surprise to her, though. Magical girls _always_ fight their battles outnumbered.

“Beats solving that math problem,” she grinned.

Some of the beasts break off and lunge toward Chika but comes too late. She’s already bathing in the hallowed light they come to loathe but fear. For the third time this day, Aqours Mikan enters battle, charging head-on to save the school again.

But this time, things aren’t as smooth-sailing. Ten-to-one odds put her at a precarious position, as in “center of the Earth” dangerous. The demons attack Chika several at a time with total disregard for chomping their own kin in the chaos. She whittles down their numbers, although there seems to be no end to them. Two more of the nefarious beasts take the place of a fallen kin, raising the odds to at least twenty-to-one. Couple that with fatigue and a few more bruises and you have a losing fight.

You and Riko witness Chika’s suffering from the shoe lockers. Yes, this specific scene is designed to make them feel bad and motivate them to do _something_. As soon as they come out in the open, they split up and hatch their plan.

“Heeeeey!” You yelled from the left flank. “Why not pick on me for a change? I’m right here!”

“Heeeeey!” Riko shouted from the right. “Go after me, too! Pick on someone your own size!”

“You-chan?! Riko-chan?!” cried a battered Chika.

The diversion begins. The bulk of the demons splits up and goes after the more vulnerable humans instead. “Chika-chan, we’ll distract them. You hit them from behind, got it?” You said.

“You-chan, that’s dangerous!” Chika replied.

“Chika-chan, listen to You-chan,” Riko said. “Have faith in us, just as we have faith in you.”

“Riko-chan…”

Then, for the first time in a while, the two inert stones in her pocket glow.

**~O~**

Friends willing to go through hell and back are a rarity these days. Chika is lucky to have two.

Reaching a dead end, You faces her pursuers with a mix of courage and fear. With Chika taking care of business at the back, she breathes a sigh of relief as the demons turn around and engage. Smaller numbers means a looser circle to trap their prey, allowing the reinvigorated heroine to make quick work of them. An enthralled You watches the grace of every swing of the Sunshine Sword, close to getting aroused for reasons best left in limbo.

By the end of that “quick work,” only Aqours Mikan and her radiance remains. Tired as she is, she’s not about to throw in the towel just yet.

“That was amazing,” You commented.

“Nah. I couldn’t have done it without your help, You-chan,” Chika gasped for breath.

“I’m really sorry for doubting you. We just didn’t know what we could do to help.”

“But I’m surprised. What made you change your mind all of a sudden?”

“Let’s just say we take care of our friends.”

“Well…thanks, You-chan. I owe you one.”

“Nope. We’re even.”

Ah, the power of friendship. Makes mysterious stones glow and reinvigorates heroes on the verge of losing their drive. If only someone else could benefit from it. A certain someone still at the mercy of her worst fears from hell no less.

“CHIKA-CHAAAAAAN! YOU-CHAAAAAN!”

“Riko-chan!” Chika and You raced to the other end of the campus with all haste. The glowing stones on Chika’s pocket intensify but falls to blind eyes, at least for now.

They find Riko at the worst possible place to be in case of a demonic invasion: the track and field. Its openness allows the monsters to roam free, if not trap the poor girl away from help. Why she chose that place and attracted twice as many was a story for another time.

“Chika-chan! You-chan! HEEEEEEELP!” yelled Riko.

“Riko-chan, what are you doing there?” You replied from the safety of the fence. “I thought you were gonna lead them into the pool.”

“I did! Surprisingly, they’re good swimmers!”

“Riko-chan, get out of there!”

“Get out _where_?!”

Let Chika answer that with a show of force. “Daybreak Flare!”

An effective way to create an opening and kill spawns at the same time, if not for the ruinous wave heading for Riko head on. At the last second, she leaps out of the way by the skin of her teeth. She takes that as well as anyone whose friend is trying to kill him. “Chika-chan, what the heck?!”

But it was the only way, the high watermark of the entire battle. Riko gasps at the immediate sight of her savior wheezing and barely standing up. Two rounds of a powerful finisher finally take their toll on her, ending her time in her magical dress. Yet, before hitting the deck dead tired, she musters enough strength for a few last words.

“Riko…chan…r-run…”


	5. And My Bow, And My Staff [Actually, a Crossbow and a Scepter]

Unless either Chika regains her energy or some outside force influences the tide of battle within the next minute, this gritty fan fiction will come to an abrupt end. You and Riko carry her out of harm’s way, only for harm to inch closer. Pleas for her to wake up fall to deaf ears and the growls of a large pack of their worst nightmares. When it becomes clear that neither will be able to save their souls (and this story), the girls invoke the pre-death dialogue trope.

“Hey, You-chan,” Riko started. “Do you ever regret what we just did?”

“Not really,” You replied. “At least I’ll go down knowing that I tried to save a friend. And you?”

“Me too. It’s better than doing nothing.”

“My thoughts exactly.”

“Besides, we’ll still see each other. That is, on the other side.”

“We’ll be there. All three of us.”

“Yeah. All of us.”

Whether or not the dialogue contains a hint of defeatism is anyone’s opinion. Fortunately, the three glowing stones—one around Chika’s neck and two in her pocket—have other plans. The three best friends hug one last time as the demons pounce on them. Then, BLAM! Deus ex machina surrounds the girls in light that sears dark flesh as would a grill to lamb chops.

The girls notice that they’re anything but bloodied rag dolls late. The demons back off, reluctant to crack open the barrier protecting them. The three stones come together in front of them in midair, conjuring the translucent image of the creature from Chika’s first contact. “If you’re seeing this, then I guess she managed to find valuable allies. Maybe she’s not that useless after all.”

“Who…who are you?” Riko asked.

“You’ll get your answers later,” said the creature. “Right now, I need you two to fight.”

“U-Us? Against those… _things_?”

“Do you want to save Chika or not?”

“Wait, how do you know Chika-chan?”

After a few grunts among their ranks, the monsters regroup and threw their weight against the light barrier. The first cracks start to form, all the more reason to cooperate. “Me! Your names! Now!” the creature yelled.

“U-Uh, I’m Riko Sakurauchi!”

“Y-You Watanabe!”

At the creature’s directions, You and Riko picked up the glowing blue and pink stones, respectively. Meanwhile, the cracks grow longer and deeper under the relentless assault. “You go first, You. Just repeat after me.”

_Sacred light stand fast at night_

_Pierce the darkness with your might_

_Bestow upon me strength of right_

_That I may be rid of this blight_

_Seven heavens, to you I give_

_All of my soul so others may live_

_I, You Watanabe, take the bow_

_Shine, Aqours Ranger! Behold!_

And thus begins her formulaic transformation, albeit a wink and a raspberry imply that she may be enjoying it. Needless to say, such a sequence can’t be complete without a moan of pleasure or two. You have to have your moans for fan service.

“Steady on! Aqours Blue!”

One gimmicky _henshin_ later, You finds herself wearing the same dress as Chika, only blue. Amidst a clear and present danger, admiring her newfound dress comes first on her mind. “Whoa! This dress is soooooooo cute! Riko-chan! Riko-chan! Look at this!”

If anything is written all over the redhead’s face, two words: shock and fear. “I…I have to do that…in front of…p-people?”

“If it makes you feel better, there’s always the phone booth,” You grinned.

“No! No way! Not ever! Not doing it!”

“Come on, Riko-chan. For Chika-chan’s sake.”

“There’s no rule stating that girls have to transform to become magical girls.”

Across countless universes, girls from Sailor Scouts down to Class Cards are facepalming in unison. Way to prove your point across, Riko.

Regardless, she doesn’t have the luxury of choice, not with the demons on the verge of to breaking through. The creature puts it so delicately. “As of now, it’s either you or them. Now repeat after me.”

“Do I have to?” Riko groaned but went with the program, anyway.

_Hallowed light, shimmering white_

_Cast down from a heavenly height_

_Share your wisdom for me to write_

_A tome of spells to shape my might_

_Seven heavens, I shall deliver_

_Magic of sorts like a raging river_

_I, Riko Sakurauchi, take the staff of old_

_Shine, Aqours Ranger! Behold!_

For someone who detests the discomfiture of being stripped out in the open, she takes the feeling of transformation quite well. Her moan, the loudest of the three, stretches from Tokyo to Numazu and back. If only the ribbons in the sequence can be substituted with tentacles, it will fit the bill so much. Perhaps that’s for a bonus episode or something.

“Sparkle! Aqours Pink!”

Again, Riko’s pink dress appears the same as those of Chika and You. One good look at the edge of her skirt later, insanity ensues. “KYAAAAAAAHH!”

“What’s the matter _now_?!” the creature said.

“T-T-T-The skirt! I-It’s t-too short! IT’S TOO SHORT!”

“Apart from the tens of demons waiting outside, THAT’S your problem?!”

“There’s no rule stating that magical girls have to wear _tiny_ miniskirts!”

But most magical girls do it, anyway. And they can’t help but cringe on Riko’s complaints.

There will be time to reflect on petty issues and whatnots later. The barrier finally shatters. You and Riko are thrown into their first taste of a magical girl’s responsibilities.

**~O~**

The spent Chika sleeps throughout the battle raging just two feet in front of her. She’s lucky to have friends that let her rest easy, much less the means to do so.

Then again, You and Riko are fighting tooth and nail with powers they’ve only begun to understand, much less harness. No time to read a manual, let alone make one out of thin air. And since it’ll be a pain to describe these powers word for word, here’s an expert on the genre to save the trouble of a lengthy exposition.

_Cheers, mate._

_Area-of-effect or AOE will play a significant part in this battle because you have these blokes scattered like restless children. Fortunately, the Rangers have the tools for the job. We’ve already seen Aqours Mikan’s Daybreak Flare, which sends out a powerful single-line wave to cut every poor bloke in its way. But this time, they need special attacks with a wider AOE. Here’s where her two newest allies, Aqours Blue and Aqours Pink, excel._

“Take this! Rain of Light!”

_As the ranged specialist, Aqours Blue is all about precision, even in her special attack “Rain of Light.” This isn’t your run-of-the-mill rain of arrows that decimate entire battalions but a rain of arrows that decimate entire battalions WITHOUT MISSING. With her passive magic, she can control the trajectory of every streak of light in the deluge and make sure it hits a target. Rain of Light lacks stopping power, but you probably wouldn’t want a thousand needles to be embedded in your body for too long._

_This is made possible by her weapon of choice, the Bright Ballista. Strapped to her right wrist and as long as half her arm, the crossbow fires 30-inch bolts with enough velocity to pierce plate armor of one bugger and bleed the other bugger behind him. There’s no reloading because passive magic ensures a steady supply of ammunition. In addition, it doesn’t need a trigger, as the crossbow reads the wielder’s intent to fire. Aqours Blue can lay down an impressive rate of fire as a result._

_Jolly good show, Blue. Keep at it._

“Here goes! Arc Lightning!”

_Next, we have Aqours Pink, a walking tome of offensive and defensive magic spells. While a formidable warrior alone, she takes on more of a support role. With an expansive mana pool, she can perform two magic spells at the same time, usually one attack and one support. This makes both magic abilities less potent, but sometimes versatility wins a battle. If push comes to shove, however, she can focus on just one magic spell and unleash some old-fashioned nut-kicking._

_In the event that she runs out of mana, Pink can switch to her reserve stored in the Sanctus Scepter. It’s estimated that the scepter holds a third as much mana as her life force, ideal for fighting retreats and decisive blows. Arc Lightning, one of her many special attacks, might not qualify as an AOE attack, but it targets multiple enemies by piggybacking off one for the other. On a related note, she has other AOE attacks that are just as destructive, if not more._

_Looking good, Pink._

_In conclusion, the Rangers are gonna need all the attacks they can learn if they hope to defeat the evil encroaching in their world. Given enough time, they may just develop their own attacks and abilities. It pays to keep the enemy playing the guessing game._

Thanks, random expert, for saving the author a lot of grief.

Chika wakes up to a ravaged track and field (another reason for Dia to throw a hissy fit at her) and a battlefield clear of enemies. Flanking her on both sides, You and Riko—back in their uniforms—grin as they help her back on her feet. She recalls trying to win a losing fight, but the memories taper off from there.

Then, the glint of her friends’ stones around their necks sparks a nerve. “Those stones…”

“We’ve decided, Chika-chan,” Riko said.

“You should’ve told me that being a magical girl was _this_ fun,” You added.

“You-chan…Riko-chan…”

Amidst the craters and rubble, the three friends share a hug and laugh. One hard-fought battle now marks the beginning of their changed lives, an adventure to expel the darkness encroaching Earth. A reinvigorated Chika can’t help but holler: “Let’s do our best, Aqours Rangers!”

“Yeah!” You and Riko yelled in unison.


	6. Yohane Descends [Not to be Confused with Episode Five]

Just when everything seems back to normal (the same can’t be said for the track and field, though), the guy behind the sound booth pops in an eerie mix of _Rex Tremendae_ and _Agnus Dei_. The ominous score follows the distinct cackle of a new challenger appearing before the heroines of the hour. Clad in a dress black as her wings, she touches the ravaged ground undaunted and instills fear in their hearts with a voice that’s more enticing than threatening.

“So, these are the insolent fools who—”

A sudden gust interrupts her immediately and forces her to hold her miniskirt down. From a raspy tone, she now speaks with one that could use a bit of WD40.

“Kyaaaaah! My skirt! Make it STOOOOOP!”

Maybe the gods of heaven and hell are crazy. Maybe sending three chosen ones to fight a single evil fallen angel, either way, is overkill. Maybe picking Uranohoshi as the battlefield is stretching it. But here they are, days passed since their lives changed forever. The gods might as well let the story run its natural course.

Taking it from the top once more, Yohane descends. Again, not to be confused with Episode Five. “It is I, the fallen angel Yohane, harbinger of this pathetic world’s demise. You three must be the chosen ones—”

A bite of her tongue ruins the moment a second time.

“Argh! You insolent fools think you can stop my legions of little demons—”

A second bite ruins the moment a third time.

“I, Yohane, shall put an end to your mis—”

And a third runs a fourth. Do fallen angels bleed red? That tongue of hers has to be swollen by now.

“Ow…my tongue…”

Try not to use jargon. It might help. No? Fine. Have it your way.

More importantly, interesting clothing options continue to fail at one of the cardinal rules of being a magical girl: hiding identities. Would it bother to—at the very least—change their hairstyle in their magical form to become _less_ conspicuous? No. Yohane instead chooses to keep the bun of hair in her off-screen transformation, a dead giveaway for the Rangers who exclaimed: “Yoshiko-chan?!”

The fallen angel’s response nails it. “Don’t call me Yoshiko!”

“It really _is_ Yocchan,” Riko said.

“Yoshiko-chan really _is_ a fallen angel!” Chika figured it out by herself. Good for her.

“I am Yohane! I am demise incarnate!” cried the squeaky-voiced Yoshiko. As if anyone within a two-foot radius was paying attention.

“Yocchan, what are you doing here? It’s dangerous—” Riko walked up to the fallen angel, ill-advised against a glaring cobra with fangs that returned the favor with a blast past her ear. The gaping hole in the fence adds up to the collateral damage an endangered school has to bear.

“I promise that the next one will have your head,” Yohane charges up for another attack.

“Yocchan…”

Chika and You hurry to her side, stones at the ready. “Riko-chan, are you okay?” asked Chika.

“I-I’m fine,” replied Riko.

“We have no choice. We have to fight the evil that stands before us.”

“Sure seems that way.”

“You-chan, Riko-chan, let’s go.”

Revitalized with a sense of purpose, the chosen ones raise their stones. Holding the fate of humanity close and each other closer in their hearts, they pierce the heavens and shake the foundations of the underworld with their battle cry: “Shine! Aqours Ranger!”

Three flashes, three transformations. Amidst the glaring light and the blast throwing dirt and debris her way, Yohane stands unfazed. Under the rules of engagement between magical girls, attacking an opponent during her transformation is as much frowned upon as killing prisoners of war. She may be evil, but she has standards to live up to. The two-minute long process, however, leaves much to be desired. In that time frame, she filed her nails, completed a three-by-three Rubik’s cube, did her stretches, and listened to the newest underworld podcast starring Sakuya Kurobane.

When the sequence finishes, the Rangers spare no second slapping their one-liners to their majestic entrance with cute poses. “Sparkle, Aqours Mikan!” “Shimmer, Aqours Blue!” “Shine, Aqours Pink!”

“Together, we are Aqours Rangers!” Cue tricolor explosion, which explodes in front of them instead of behind—like any respectable Super Sentai series. For the record, that _isn’t_ supposed to happen.

“What the heck? Was that supposed to happen?” Chika gasped for breath.

“You mean the explosion in front or the explosion itself?” a cheeky You wheezed.

“I don’t know. Maybe both?”

“Beats me, but I’m pretty sure that’s not supposed to happen.”

“Is it gonna be like this _every single time_?”

“Seems like it.”

Riko threw in her two cents. “More importantly, You-chan, isn’t your one-liner ‘Steady on’? Where did ‘Shimmer’ come from?”

“Is it?” You replied. “While we’re on the subject, I seem to recall you saying ‘Sing’ in _your_ one-liner, Riko-chan. Why did you say ‘Shine’?”

“Well, I…er…it sounded more synonymous.”

Chika threw in her two cents and a hissy fit. “Eh? But ‘Shine’ is mine, Riko-chan. Go get your own.”

The battle has yet to begin, but humanity’s last hope is already biting each other’s heads off. Instead of seizing the moment to deal a decisive blow, like any respectable antagonist, Yohane wears a look that practically complains about how a fallen angel pays diddly squat. She reverts to human form in disappointment, which catches the Rangers’ attention.

“Yocchan?” Riko said.

“Are you done yet?” Yoshiko said. “I’d like to show my transformation now, if you don’t mind.”

“Your…what?”

“It’s common courtesy. You show yours and I’ll show mine.”

“What would you know about courtesy? You’re the _enemy_.”

“Even evil has standards, you know.”

Yoshiko’s dark transformation is what tropes make of it: swirling malevolent energies, unseen force stripping her head to toe, and the orgasm of having those same energies provide her with clothing. The cherry on top is her pair of wings breaking out of its mortal prison. The upside is that no prior enchantment is necessary, albeit because she’s a magical being to begin with. No prior explosion in the backdrop, just a dark magic circle to go with her seductive pose and one-liner: “From the depths of the infinite abyss, Yohane descends.”

Sure. Descend from the depths of the infinite abyss. That makes _way_ too much sense.

Both sides take up arms, the winds of calm blowing before the battle.

“Cut through the darkness, Sunshine Sword!”

“Pierce the heart of evil, Bright Ballista!”

“Let hallowed light descend, Sanctus Scepter!”

The three treasures for vanquishing the evil stand ready to resist the enemy at the gates, who wield hands enveloped in dark energy. This may as well be the final boss battle to decide humanity’s fate, ever interesting to the enemy that relishes a good fight.

“Let this battle decide your fate, mortals,” spoke a confident Yohane before charging head-on. “Have at you!” The Rangers respond in kind, confident of the three-to-one advantage. With the stakes high as the heavens, whoever lands the first strike wins.

Nobody does. The referee calls a halt to the fight with a blow of her whistle. But it’s rather funny to see four heads collide and nearly switch brains in the resulting confusion.


	7. Rules of Engagement [Monster of the Week, Plot Armor, and Everything in Between]

The dust settles. The so-called battle to determine humanity’s fate stops short of a conclusion at the behest of a long whistle. Behind it is perhaps the only person in the world with the guts of a person binge-watching _Boku no Pico_ and still has eyes in their sockets. Who else would stand smack in the middle of explosions and whatnot to—with a mere whistle—stop a fight that involves explosions and whatnot? Clearly, this person shows no fear, if not eats fear for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks in between. Clearly, this person is not to be trifled with, even by otherworldly beings.

Clearly, this person is Mari. “Okay, okay. That’s enough. We don’t need you to blow the school up, at least not yet.”

“Mari-san?” Riko recovered from her own share of dizziness, with everyone else still trying to figure out the meaning of life. “What are you doing here? Get back.”

“I _would_. But Dia-san asked me a really _desperate_ favor.”

“A desperate favor?”

“At this rate, there won’t be any Uranohoshi left to save from closing. Please be a dear and stop your roughhousing for now.”

Yohane doesn’t take to being ordered around quite well, by a mere mortal no less. The last poor son of a gun to do that saw his bones fed to Cerberus. “Foolish mortal! You _dare_ stop this fight? You _dare_ defy the will of evil made flesh? You must be desperate to die.”

“I wouldn’t say _desperate_ ,” replied a collected Mari. “But I’d hold off on ending humanity for a while if I were you.”

Yohane responds with deadly force, throwing a ball of her dark energy Mari’s way. The aghast looks among the Rangers’ ranks weather through the blinding smoke, which fills most of the field filled to the brim with craters. But there’s no doubt that their beloved school director and fellow school idol has been obliterated to kingdom come. The war between good and evil claims its first casualty.

Or so it seems. The smoke parts for an unscathed Mari grinning at everyone on the field, suspended in shock and disbelief. Yohane herself is probably the most surprised. “That’s impossible! How did you survive that?”

Mari’s grin ever widens. The secret to her invulnerability: “Plot armor, _desu_.”

“Plot armor?”

“Yes, plot armor.”

“What the heck is that?”

“You don’t know plot armor? What kind of _antagonist_ are you?”

“Did you lose your marbles somewhere?”

Ah yes, plot armor: a character’s elixir of life that lasts as long as the writer’s hand needs him or her to remain alive. Not even the collision of universes can pierce through it, much less the fallen angel’s dark energy. It works as advertised: not only does Mari survive the blast but lives to tell the tale without a scratch, much like an NPC that doesn’t give a flying feather. Long story short, she can’t die, at least for the meantime.

Yohane is totally welcome to keep trying, which she does a couple of times to no avail. “I refuse to accept this! What nefarious sorcery is this?!”

An angry Riko walks up to her and whacks her head with the scepter. “Weren’t you listening?”

“Hey, that hurts!”

“It’s _supposed_ to hurt! _And_ knock some sense into you!”

Further fighting at this point is pointless. The proxies of good and evil call a truce and lend an ear to the proclamation from the Word of Shiny. Glory to you, oh Great Joke.

“I know you two hate each other to the point of wanting to slit each other’s throats,” Mari began. “At this rate, however, your _eternal conflict_ won’t get you anywhere. So I’m here to offer you all the deal of a lifetime. This, of course, involves playing by the rules.”

“Rules?” the Rangers asked in unison.

“You can settle your score AND keep the destruction to a minimum. Everybody _wins_.”

Now she has the belligerents’ attention.

**~O~**

Behind the closed doors of the School Idol Club’s clubroom, the tense air swirls above a convention of nine girls. Front and center, Mari stands before the belligerents on opposing sides of the meeting table. The rest of their fellow school idols—Kanan, Dia, Ruby, and Hanamaru—join the convention further back. All hold and browse their own copy of the handout whose mouthful of a title results in head scratching and dizzy eyes.

 _The Convention for Limited Engagement of Cross-Dimensional Entities and Amelioration of General Casualties of Interplane Conflict._ Mari dubs it “the Ohara Convention” for everyone’s sake, including the reader’s.

Only politicians have time to go through its dozens of pages, most of which read “Lorem ipsum” just to make it look more impressive. Mari’s summary saves them a lot of grief, albeit it won’t do the ink and paper wasted enough justice.

  1. The fallen angel Yohane, the _antagonist_ in the convention, is entitled to wreak havoc once a week. In the event that she misses a week or two, she cannot make up for it with additional havoc the following week.
  2. The Aqours Rangers, the _protagonist_ in the convention, are required to respond to the havoc when applicable. Failure to do so will hold the protagonist liable for any further damage to the venue specified.
  3. Resolution of a conflict is a matter of preference. The protagonist or antagonist can settle a fight either by diplomacy or force, if necessary. Regardless, a resolution is required. Failure to do so will hold both parties liable for any further damage to the venue specified.
  4. The venue will only be limited to the city of Numazu, which includes the city proper and the surrounding communities. Any conflict held outside the specified limits will be declared null and void and is subject to plot armor protection.
  5. Both parties are prohibited from taking further action once a resolution has been reached. The defeated party must retreat from the venue and wait for the next schedule. Any attempt to violate this clause will be declared null and void through plot armor protection.
  6. Kanan, Dia, Ruby, and Hanamaru, the _observers_ in the convention, will be present to mediate any conflict and ensure conformity to the Convention’s rules. As non-combatants, observers cannot be the target of any hostile action and are under plot armor protection.
  7. Only one observer shall be present in a regulated battle. Multiple observers can be deployed to oversee multiple battles at different venues. Because of the limited number of observers, the weekly conflict can have no more than three isolated skirmishes.
  8. Any suspected discrepancy in the Convention’s rules must be brought to Mari, the _arbiter_ in the convention. Any judgment passed by the arbiter is final. As a non-combatant, the arbiter cannot be the target of any hostile action and is under plot armor protection.



“Any questions?” Mari’s gaze darted from member to member in anticipation of confused looks.

Kanan raises her hand. “I have one.”

“Please do.”

“WHAT’S THIS GOT TO DO WITH US?!”

Mari fiddles with her fingers before her irate friend. “Well, I can’t ask background characters to deal with it. And you four are too important to be in the shadows, so…”

“Why is this even a _thing_? How in the world did Chika and the rest end up like _this_?” Kanan points at the two parties still in their magical girl forms.

“K-Kanan, please calm down.”

“I AM PERFECTLY CALM, THANK YOU!”

“Your all-caps answer begs to differ.”

“NO IT DOES NOT.”

As Kanan puts Mari at the mercy of shaking the latter’s collar, the rest erupt in a sea of idle chatter. The convention of greatest importance becomes a gathering of utter uselessness in the time it takes to throw the nonsense in their hands into the trash. It seems that nobody, not even the Rangers and Yohane, can afford to take the rules seriously. Rules of war do exist, but only the victor decides what constitutes a violation. All that matters is that one side wins.

But with plot armor being thrown around like freebies, good and evil can’t do jack. Neither Yohane nor the Rangers can just transform and attack aimlessly to see if the plot armor is gone. In the end, who exactly has the time or need to say “no” to these rules? They may as well choose the lesser evil.

“I won’t like it, but I’ll play along for now,” Yohane affixes her magic signature with her finger.

A surprised Kanan stops shaking Mari, who is about to lose her breakfast. “Seriously?”

“This better be worth my time here on Earth, foolish mortals. Otherwise, you won’t like what I have in store for you all.”

The Rangers respond in kind, the only difference being using a pen. “There,” Chika said on behalf of the forces of good. “We’ll play by the rules, too, because we know better.”

The dominoes in the room start to fall in a cascade. In a matter of minutes, even the stoic Dia affirms to her role alongside her sister. Everything up to this point may be total bullpucky, but nothing ever comes close to that when the whole world is at stake. Seeing the majority before her, Kanan relents and completes the nine required signatories. The game is on.

“Great!” Mari said. “We can start this game of ours next week.”

Kanan raises her hand again. “Another question.”

“Hmm?”

“When does it all end?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got a wacky idea for a Monster of the Week? Post them in the comments. Go crazy. The cosmos's the limit.


	8. Video Games Cause Violence [If Infused with a Fallen Angel's Curse], Part I

“There! Over there!” You points to a rampaging mammoth-like creature that went under Chika’s nose (despite being way bigger than a barn door). Its enormous tusks mow down hedges and trees along its path of destruction, and soon her unless she gets out of the way. She does and returns the favor with consecutive slashes, each hurting as much as an ant bite. The creature swings her way and knocks her health bar down to nothing.

YOU DIED. Er…not You.

“NOOOO!” the controller almost comes off Chika’s hand out of her fit of rage. The newest hack-and-slash game she has been looking forward to since forever has been giving her nothing but grief. “SO NOT FAIR! Why is this game so hard?!”

“Seems you’re not the only one,” You scrolls down various game reviews on her phone, ranging from a definite challenge to total meltdowns. Ah, Internet lingo, what a beauty. “Many are saying that this game’s impossible to beat. Some even want their money back. Wow.”

“Who designs games like these? They should be _sued!_ ”

“Come on, Chika-chan. No need to get all worked up over a silly game.”

The defeated casual gamer doesn’t take that well, grabbing You by the shoulder. “Just a game? JUST A GAME?! Is Love Live _just_ a competition? Is Aqours _just_ a school idol group? Is Uchiura _just_ …some backwater, fish-crazy part of Numazu?” And “casual” is an understatement.

“Chika-chan, c-calm down…”

“I _will_ beat this monstrosity or my username isn’t _iheartrikochan_! Watch me!”

Behind her, the flaming fury of a certain redhead manifests into a knuckle sandwich straight down Chika’s noggin. “Don’t turn me into your stupid username!”

“I…I haven’t…Riko-chan,” Chika reels from the world of hurt brought down upon her. Soon, she’ll settle for the next best thing: the totally obvious _mikan021_. But since this is totally unrelated to the magical adventures of the second-years, the scene will play out off-screen and never be raised in any part of the story again.

“Oh, Riko-chan, you’re finally here,” You said.

“Sorry I’m late,” Riko replied. “We should get started. We’re running out of time.”

“Sure thing.”

The time for video games is over for now. Taking out their magical stones, the girls tune their minds to a matter more important than beating the final boss. The soft glow among their transformation thingamajigs conjures a small ball of light that morphs into the creature that changed their destiny forever. Without flesh and blood, however, the creature appears as a spirit unable to influence any battle directly. At least the girls can sigh in relief knowing that their guest isn’t exactly dead. For one, who’s going to explain the whole Ranger business without it?

“I see you’ve figured out how to summon me,” said the creature, again via telepathy. “Looks like I won’t regret my choice of chosen ones, after all. Except you, Chika. You still suck.”

“Are you gonna tell us what you know or harass me all day?” said a disgruntled Chika.

“I’d say I have the right to the latter. But I digress. Now listen closely.”

_Once upon a time, in a realm far, far away, the fallen angel Yohane has unleashed an unspeakable evil across time and space. Once-peaceful dimensions changed when her demonic legions attacked. But a foolish warrior wielding three magic stones—yours truly—stepped forth to oppose her. Victory was near, but the power of the fallen angel could not be undone._

_Before I can strike the final blow, Yohane tore open a portal in time and flung us into another random realm. Fifty thousand years have passed, but I do not age. The light within me is fading. It will not long survive the evil that spreads from the netherworld. It’s dangerous for them to go alone. They must take you three hosts, representing the elements of determination (Chika), friendship (You), and kindness (Riko). Should Yohane succeed, darkness will fall upon this land._

Cramming several references in 150 words or less hasn’t been an easy feat, not with an audience exchanging confused looks with each other. Fortunately, the creature comes up with an abridged version. “Long story short, defeat Yohane and save the world.”

“That _still_ doesn’t tell much, you know,” Chika sighed.

“What more do you want, a freakin’ novel?”

“You’re telling us to defeat one of our close friends! I’d say that’s the real issue here.”

“Need I remind you that your ‘friend’ is evil incarnate?”

“Need I remind you that our ‘friend’ is a human just like us?”

And so the little powwow devolves into Chika and the creature taking subtle jabs at each other, with You and Riko watching. As entertaining as it is to watch a pair of idiots duking it out, their new lives as magical girls demand that they stop such nonsense…for now. “Now, now,” said Riko. “This is not the time to be fighting. We should focus on protecting this world first. The rest will come later once more pieces fall in place.”

“I agree with Riko-chan,” You added. “There’s still a lot we don’t know, starting with our powers.”

“You’ll gain more abilities as you get used to your powers,” the creature explained. “But if you want to get creative, your powers can handle that, too.”

“Get creative?” Chika replied.

“Anything you see or read in fiction, as long as your powers allow it,” the creature said.

“Awesome!” Chika nearly jumps for joy. “Does that mean I can instantly defeat all the enemies if I just put my mind to it?”

“Put my mind to it” is a stretch, but nobody’s stepping forward to tell her that. What’s the point of transformations, magical abilities, and monsters of the week if all it takes is to simply will them to skedaddle? This silly adventure of theirs may as well be over in the first few chapters, give or take, if that were the case. Of course, no awkward silence goes unnoticed, as Chika finally gets the idea how absurd that sounds. “At least tell me I’m an idiot or something.”

Then, the girls turn their attention to the flickering stones, a signal of sorts. “What’s happening?” Riko asked.

“A spawn of Yohane has appeared,” the creature answered. “It’s near a train station.”

“Numazu Station?”

“Are there any other train stations nearby?”

“I don’t think so. But if it’s terrorizing the populace, that’s a good place to start.”

“Then the storytelling can wait. Aqours Rangers, sortie!”

**~O~**

Five hundred yen is a small price to pay (unless moths live in your purse) for the lives of hundreds in a crowded part of Numazu. Since their changed destinies didn’t give them at least a pair of wings or the power to lock on to someone’s _ki_ , the girls are forced to take the bus. They arrive to witness men, women, and children fleeing before the abomination unleashing its own brand of hell.

The girls nearly lose their lunches to the grotesque sight of a mishmash of pieces of hardware on two legs of wires. With a body that resembles a console that time has forgotten, it speaks its will through a lid that can’t be closed and enforces it with a pair of controllers for hands. Clearly, this is a console anyone won’t be popping in a nostalgic game anytime soon. “Mwahahahaha! Mwahahaha!”

You barely keeps it together the longer she looks at the abomination. “Wait…that thing’s a spawn?!”

The monster’s gaze turns the girls’ way, sensing their power. “You three! You wield the power of the heavens now? No matter. You will be destroyed all the same.”

“Seriously, we have to fight _that_?” You almost turns pale.

“If you want to save this world, you _have_ to fight,” the creature replied. “Now, get ready!”

The monster lands the first punch, extending its controller fists across the gap and sending Chika flying to tear a random Aqours poster in half. Bonus points for tearing it where she’s positioned on the poster. The level of pain’s just as imaginable as getting hit by a semi in the face.

Her good friends came rushing to her side. “Chika-chan!”

It’ll take more than a controller to the gut to bring the lead Ranger down. After seeing the damaged poster, however, the requirement to put her down shot up tenfold. “I HAD A CUTE POSE ON THAT POSTER, BUSTER!” she takes out her stone brimming with power. “You’re gonna pay big time!” Her friends take out theirs, albeit reluctantly.

By the power of the heavens, they let out their battle cry. “Shine! Aqours Ranger!”

The belligerents finally enter battle: three emissaries of light against a spawn of darkness. The odds appear to be in the girls’ favor, if not for the fact that they’re still new to the magical girl business. It doesn’t help that the girls have to go up against an old console’s anguish made flesh…or wire. “Now, let’s get this game started!” the monster thrusts its pelvis in all directions, making an already-gross sight grosser.

Then, in a flash of light for reasons not for discussion right now, a bathtub appears. Half of it is filled with soapy foam, the other half Kanan bathing in it while humming _Omoi yo Hitotsu ni Nare_ , also for reasons not for discussion right now. Imagine the look on her face upon realizing that she’s miles away from the bathroom.

Sorry, not surprised. “Oh, I’m the observer for this fight, then,” she stands up, the foam conveniently censoring the bare essentials.

“K-K-Kanan-san?!” the girls yelled in unison. “Ah! Put some clothes on!”

“I would but I left it at home,” Kanan shrugs but then finds a shirt conveniently lying around next to the tub. “Oh, I guess this shirt will do. And look, it’s just my size.”

“That’s way too convenient!” the girls replied in unison.

A few days into this holy hot mess and all sorts of high jinks ensue. Farewell, ordinary life indeed.

**\---VICTORY CONDITIONS---**

Rager Gamer defeated 

**\---DEFEAT CONDITIONS---**

All Rangers defeated

Time expires (5 min)

“Wait a minute!” yelled Chika. “There’s a time limit? What gives?”

“Beats me,” shrugged Kanan. “Mari told us observers to keep it under a strict time limit to minimize damage. I think five minutes is more than enough, right?”

“And why are we gonna lose if time runs out?” asked Chika.

“Well…go ask Mari about that later,” Kanan raises her hand, then throws it down. “Begin!”

**\---MISSION START---**

Five minutes is an eternity in the world of magical battles, yet five minutes too short for Chika and company. Far from mastering their newfound abilities, a minor annoyance like the poorly-named and hideous Rager Gamer feels like a mismatch from the outset. Unlike the dark hounds from days prior, the enemy before them shrugs off slashes, strikes, and magic attacks like dust on clothes. In return, the monster mauls them with its giant controllers.

Two minutes pass, and the girls can barely stay upright after a series of beatings. They’re so rough that even Kanan, expected to be neutral as an observer, cannot bear to look at the one-sided battle. So much for making the monster pay.

One minute remains. The Rangers are in worse shape, while Rager Gamer has yet to break a sweat.

“Pathetic,” the monster heckled at its weary foes. “You made me worried for _absolutely_ nothing. On top of that, you made me waste my time.”

You and Riko struggle to get back up to no avail. Chika, on the other hand…well, her reply says all. “Not yet…I’m not done yet!”

“Give it up, already. I’m bleeding off time as we speak. It’s over.”

“Shut up and fight me!”

“Fine. I’ll help you put you out of your misery.”

Right now, blind rage fuels the kind of Chika appearing before everyone. She charges head-on, just begging for a controller to the gut—her tenth. The fire inside her dissipates as she finally collapses, to the humans’ shock.

“Chika-chan!”

The remaining seconds dwindle. Kanan doesn’t wait for the timer to go off. “This battle is over. The Demonic Legion is the winner.”

**\---MISSION FAILED---**


	9. Video Games Cause Violence [If Infused with a Fallen Angel's Curse], Part II

The moral of the previous battle: just because a monster appears like something pulled out of the author’s ass doesn’t make it any less weak. More often than not, morals like this have to be learned the hard way, sometimes with repercussions. Losing the battle means letting the monster loose on the city, which eventually tires it and calls it a day. It’ll return for another round, but only time will tell exactly when and where.

Knowing that Rager Gamer is among the lesser minions in Yohane’s legion doesn’t help matters. But it gives the creature the right to chew the girls’ ears off for screwing up big time. “Now you realize the stakes here. Failure won’t be an option if you want to save your world.”

“That’s true,” a reluctant Riko concurred. “But we gave it everything and—”

“No, you didn’t. I sensed your doubts during the fight. You can’t let things like that distract you.”

“Maybe because fighting monsters isn’t part of our normal lives?”

“Of course not. But that’s not the _real_ reason.”

And Riko’s sheepish groan confirms it.

“I wouldn’t have dragged you three into this had the stones not resonated,” the creature said. “Had my strength remained as it was 50,000 years ago, I would’ve saved this world singlehandedly. But I feel that my time’s coming up, especially now that I’ve lost my physical body.”

“Come on now,” You chuckled anxiously. “Don’t try to bring down the room.”

“Better now than later. So don’t take this responsibility lightly.”

Not a word came from either of the shamefaced girls. As their failure stands, it’s probably better if they argue no further. “Get some rest, you two,” the creature added. “We can’t do anything about it until next week. That’s the rule.”

“What about Chika-chan?” You trains her gaze at the upper floor, where she hears the frustration of a victim of wall-hacking.

“I think she’s gonna be fine,” Riko chuckled. “This is Chika-chan we’re talking about.”

“I’ll go talk to her,” the creature assured.

A week to reflect on their actions may serve them well, but only a rematch can tell whether or not it’s any good. For now, they’ll wait for their chance to get even. For now, another matter calls the creature’s attention, one that shouldn’t have been dismissed as a minor annoyance. The constant game-over screens that drive Chika mad tells it all.

“No, no, no, no, NO!” Chika yelled at her nth game over, by the same mammoth boss no less. “Why does this keep happening? Why, why, WHY?!”

The creature perches on her shoulder. “How about you try playing with a cooler head?” Apparently, it hasn’t tried playing in noxious multiplayer, let alone any game for that matter. And for the record, Chika is on a single-player campaign.

“You try fighting an enemy you can’t beat,” yelled Chika.

“I have. Thousands of times. Came out on top every time.”

“I think you’re confused.”

“And I think you’re an idiot.”

At this point, the situation is simply begging for a fight between the two. Fortunately, an exchange of tense gazes satisfies them for the time being. Chika returns to her game, paying no heed to her sore fingers and her sorer body from the botched battle. Rather than give her the same sermon it did to You and Riko, the creature immerses in the experience of watching her play. Spectator view is apparently satisfying, even for beings from the heavens.

Several near deaths later, Chika reaches the bane of her existence: the wooly mammoth. Two health bars and enough fur to make coats for the whole of Numazu stand in the way of total victory (and hope that Chika doesn’t break the TV in a hissy fit). She and the creature focus on the battle at hand for different reasons. Chika wants to be done with this difficulty spike once and for all, while the creature’s eyes light up out of a stark realization.

“Chika, stop!” said the creature. Chika stops her character from moving, just in time for the wooly mammoth’s swing to miss by scant inches. “Now, attack!”

Rinse, repeat, and see the mammoth go down and drop an ultra rare item that puts plot armor to shame. The realization is slow to sink in, but her happiness isn’t waiting for it. “I…I can’t believe it. I did it. I DID IT! HOORAY!”

“You’re welcome,” the creature’s words drown in the genki girl’s glee.

Another realization cuts her celebratory prances short. “But wait, how did you know when to stop and when to attack?”

“You mean you haven’t noticed?”

“Noticed what?”

“You really are an idiot. But I’ll tell you if you do it again.”

“WHAAAAAT?!”

“And save a replay of your second pass. You’re gonna need it.”

**~O~**

A full week passes, an emboldened Rager Gamer wreaking havoc in the city as scheduled (by the convention). Civilians and police can only run from an abomination with intent to maim, if not kill. Trees and light posts break and fall before the strength of joysticks wired to the evil that stands before humanity. This level of trouble is just begging for swift action, which the arriving Rangers would be more than willing to oblige.

Last week’s defeat is still fresh on the girls’ minds. The monster can’t help but ride on a high horse, feeling enough confidence to replace the fallen angel it serves. “You three again? Save yourself the trouble and just go home. Or do you like to be humiliated a second time? I would be more than glad to do just that.”

Of course, the girls don’t take the opening insult well. But today has a different aura in the air. You and Riko leave the explaining to Chika. “I promise today’s battle will be different, you abomination. You’re going down!”

Her unusual bravado piques the monster’s interest. “Oh? You got spunk for someone who had her ass handed to her. Fine, I’ll give you Round Two.”

As Chika takes out her stone, a worried Riko puts her reservations into words. “Chika-chan, are you sure this is a good idea?”

“It’ll be okay, Riko-chan,” Chika smiled. “Just be ready in case anything funny happens.”

You points out the funny thing quickly in horror. “You mean like _that_?!”

Much to their horror, their archenemy the fallen angel arrives by the monster’s side. The forces of evil are still technically outnumbered, but Yohane may as well count for a thousand warriors with her array of malevolent powers. And she had to swoop in just when the Rangers are confident of a victory. Seriously, villains and their timing.

“Oh, don’t worry,” Yohane cackled. “I won’t take part in this battle. But I do think that my servant here needs a little pick-me-up.” One magic circle later, her incantation begins feeding the minion with dark energies.

_Go forth with my dark blessing_

_Destroy all hope, leave nothing_

The effect is just as you would imagine: a little demon on steroids. The monster grows twice in size, spilling dark energy all over the place as would a heavy sleeper drooling on the sheets. Its deafening roar shatters nearby glass and blows fuse boxes. It gets a 200-percent boost in all four stats: attack, defense, magic, and spirit. Added bonuses include a 50-percent chance to deal x3.0 critical damage, 25-percent chance to deal x4.0 critical damage, 10-percent chance to deal x5.0 critical damage, 5-percent chance to instantly K.O. an enemy, 35-percent chance to stun an enemy, and 100-percent resistance to all status ailments.  

Long story short: OP BUT NO NERF.

The first few minutes of fear, however, aren’t enough to dissuade Chika from getting her game face on. “Nothing’s changed. We can still win this, you guys.”

Yohane laughs her ass out. “You? Win against my blessed little demon?”

“Just shut up and watch. _Shine, Aqours Ranger!”_

Oddly enough, only Chika transforms into a Ranger. You and Riko take out their stones but back off at their friend’s instruction earlier. Nevertheless, it’s a valid battle with Ruby—who just happens to be at the scene—as the observer. And as much as the current situation scares her, she has no choice but to do what she signed up for.

“Umm…I’ll do my Rubesty,” a nerve-wracked Ruby laughed.

**\---VICTORY CONDITIONS---**

Rager Gamer defeated

**\---DEFEAT CONDITIONS---**

Aqours Mikan defeated

Aqours Blue intervenes

Aqours Pink intervenes

Time expires (2:00 min)

At just two minutes, this whole “minimizing collateral damage” thing is getting more ridiculous. But Chika goes in anyway, well aware of the stakes. Sword and joysticks soon clash in a fight for the fate of Numazu, if not the world, and the tense witnesses around them.

**\---MISSION START---**

The souped-up Rager Gamer leaves crushed rubble everywhere it flails, but to its surprise Chika steers clear of becoming mikan chowder.  The frustration on the part of her enemy mounts as its swings and punches fail to connect. Not to mention every opening begs for a stinging slash from Sunshine Sword. Everyone couldn’t believe the tide of the battle, especially an irate Yohane. “Stop fooling around and eliminate her!”

“Whoa, Chika-chan’s outwitting him,” You said.

Riko’s disbelief reaches a fever pitch after seeing one of the monster’s arm severed. “Chika-chan, what’s gotten into you?”

It takes a few more rinses and repeats for You to finally realize Chika’s trump card. “Wait! Those moves…look like the ones in Chika’s video game.”

“Say what?” cried Riko in more disbelief.

“No doubt about it. The monster fights like that mammoth in the game. And Chika-chan just figured out a way to defeat it.”

“Amazing…”

“I can’t believe I’m only seeing this just now.”

At the one-minute mark, the outcome becomes clear. Groaning under the sting of multiple slash and stab wounds of hallowed light, Rager Gamer can barely stay up. Even more frustrating for it is the fact that its opponent is about to win the battle unscathed. “I-Impossible! How—”

It won’t live long enough to express its bewilderment. With a glowing blade, Chika lands the final blow with a new move: a mad dash and a slash in the pattern of a cross, a “Paladin’s Cross.” The big explosion in her wake ends the battle in a major upset for the forces of evil.

“T-This battle is over!” cried Ruby. “I-I declare Aqours Rangers to be the winner!”

**\---MISSION COMPLETE---**

Of course, Yohane takes the defeat as well as a boxer losing to hometown judges. Instead of calling for a recount, she enters the battle dark magic blazing. “You’ll pay for this, insolent fools!” she lets loose a few bursts, some passing too close for Ruby’s comfort. She scores hits, but the smoke parts to reveal not a scratch on the girls, again to her surprise: “What?! How?!”

“Yoshiko-chan, stand down,” Ruby said. “The battle’s over. You can’t hurt them anymore.”

“No! I refuse!”

“Yoshiko-chan, please!”

She’s not about to believe in the power of plot armor anytime soon. Then again, no one’s making her. With a bad taste in her mouth, she flies away. _Now_ the battle is over.

Cue the victory music. And the horrendous repair bill for the city government.


	10. It's a Dog-Eat-Dog World [And You Know It's Gonna Be About Riko] (First Half)

At one point in Japan’s history (specifically 2006), the country had more dogs than children under 12 years old. That’s still the case several years ago (2014 to be exact), with more dogs than children under 15 years old. Only time knows if that will still be the case ten or twenty years from today.

But already in Numazu, the number of dogs has skyrocketed since first contact between stranger things and the humans that found them. And here’s the kicker. They’re all owned by a certain fallen angel.

Sometimes, the Rangers find themselves asking if they’re really heroines on a crazy adventure or an on-demand dog impounding service. Cerberus’s army of offspring is running amok all over the little village of Uchiura like bats (or dogs, in this case) out of hell. Imagine the chaos they’ve caused over the past few weeks: chasing mailmen, eating other dogs’ treats, peeing on street posts, and trying in vain to be the next trending dog meme, to name a few.

Skirmishes like this don’t require an observer, but they still require action. Sadly, even on weekends when they should be enjoying off-days, the Rangers have to clean house. Their big plan to corral the hounds of hell onto a killing field is already underway, as evidenced by a hysterical Aqours Pink on the run. “CHIKA-CHAAAAAN!!! YOU-CHAAAAAN!!!”

Jumping from roof to roof, Chika shadows the trail of hounds. “Hang in there, Riko-chan! We’re almost there!”

“THIS ISN’T FUNNY ANYMORE, YOU GUYS!!!”

Indeed, it’s no longer funny. It’s _hilarious_.

“I’m sorry, but this is the only way! Do you want Uchiura crawling with Yohane’s pets?”

“I’LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS, CHIKA-CHAN! NEVER!”

“Hey, don’t _just_ blame me. You’s in this, too.”

The herd swells in number the longer the chase persists, but it soon begins to take its toll on Riko. Despite wielding a multitude of powerful spells, her legs are as mortal as they’ll ever be. Fatigue kicks in like the little rascal it is, tripping her short of the killing ground. Seeing the blunder, Chika and You are forced to let loose now or never.

The withering firepower of Aqours Mikan’s _Daybreak Flare_ and Aqours Blue’s _Rain of Light_ blows through the hounds of hell and racks an impressive combo by the hundreds. The few that survive the devastating salvo make the wise decision to turn tail and run.

Too bad they didn’t account for an angry Riko, who had other plans. “Strike all, Judgment Bolt!”

In broad daylight, not a cloud in the sky, several spires of the thunder god’s wrath descended upon several locations at once. The whimpers of the fleeing hounds follow the pinpoint strikes, leaving a crater no bigger than a marble. A cheater move by the usually-sweet and kind Riko, but the hounds have pushed too many of her buttons.

“Aaaaand that’s a wrap! Good job, ladies!” said You, apparently too soon.

“What the HECK is your problem?!” yelled Riko at the girls. “How DARE you use my fear of dogs to corral those monsters! I can’t believe you two!”

“Riko-chan, calm down. It was the only way. I’m sure you—”

“No, I don’t! Either you or Chika-chan could’ve served as bait! And the result would be the same!”

“Come on. We took care of every last one. Does it even matter at this point?”

“Oh yes it does. I demand compensation!”

As Chika and You put their minds into figuring out what “compensation” means, Riko’s exasperation turns to horror at the sight of a surviving hound creeping up behind them. Too terrified to raise an alarm, she raised her scepter against the immediate threat now lunging toward them. From one of curiosity, Chika and You’s looks pale at the scepter preparing to blow. “Riko-chan?!”

Along comes big boom, just the way the walrus likes it.

**~O~**

Sometimes, it pays to have Mari as a friend. In this case, her family runs a hospital from which Chika and You can recover from their blast wounds. Nothing too serious than a broken leg for Chika, but with so much gauze both pass off as extras for the latest _The Mummy_ installment. Despite a cheering visit from the rest of the group, not a soul feels like celebrating. Heck, if a guilty Riko by the corner is any indication, the Rangers are about to be shorthanded for the time being.

“I’m sorry,” Riko said. “I lost my nerve and hurt Chika-chan and You-chan in the process.” Chika and You assure her no ill will, although it’s hard to tell with the gauze gagging them.

Still, the new reality is slow to sink in. Riko will be the only able-bodied Ranger to defend humanity against Yohane’s onslaught. “Hey, Yocchan,” Riko turns to Yoshiko. “Don’t you think we can put this whole good-versus-evil stuff off until next week?”

“No!” Yoshiko replied. “I already have my world domination calendar planned out. I refuse to miss out on even a single week.”

“But Chika-chan and You-chan are—”

“No ifs and buts! Go find a way, Riri.”

“Be reasonable, Yocchan. I…I can’t do this alone.”

Everyone else scrambles to look for a loophole in the convention. Mari saves them the futile trouble. “Sorry, everyone. But I made the _convention_ with the help of Japan’s greatest lawyers. There is _nooo loooooophole_!”

It’s a surprise that these lawyers have taken the time and effort to draft a convention governing beyond-Earth thingamabobs. No less taking a request from a wealthy nut.

Rule Number 3: _Resolution of a conflict is a matter of preference. The protagonist or antagonist can settle a fight either by diplomacy or force, if necessary. Regardless, a resolution is required. Failure to do so will hold both parties liable for any further damage to the venue specified._ It says nothing about both parties agreeing to the matter of resolution. So, yeah, the outcome of a fight between a pacifist and a warmonger is as good as anyone’s guess.

“I don’t like the fact that you’re proud of it, Mari-san,” Dia said.

“You don’t? It’s gonna be worse if we let them run willy-nilly,” Mari replied.

“Are you even taking this seriously?”

Since they’re in the topic of loopholes, Riko’s mind sparks with Rule Number 8. “Very well, then. I move that we let Mari-san decide, as per Rule Number 8.”

“OBJECTION!” Yoshiko assumes the iconic pose of a popular lawyer, complete with the exclamation. “The arbiter has already made her decision. The fighting continues.”

“OBJECTION!” Riko responds in kind with a pose from _another_ popular lawyer, also complete with the exclamation. “Mari-san hasn’t said anything of the sort. We were talking about loopholes, not about the fight.”

“OBJECTION!” Mari joins—and ends—the wacky charade. “I second the motion to proceed with the fight, as per Yoshiko-chan’s suggestion. Case closed!” At this point, the lawyers they’re parodying shamelessly have stopped caring.

“Mari, do you even know how objection works?” said a nonchalant Kanan, to which Mari shrugged.

Nevertheless, the dispute (for all its lack of due process) has been decided, much to Riko’s chagrin. Unable to throw in their two cents, Chika and You can only look worried and think of the battle to come. Sometimes, it doesn’t pay to have Mari as a friend.

**~O~**

So begins the longest week of Riko’s life as a magical girl. It’s still technically a week but a brutal one: nighttime sorties, half-finished homework due to said sorties, and non-stop training during limited opportunities. New spells and tactics gradually hone her fighting style, but the silver lining ends there. Day after day, she comes home with frazzled hair, baggy eyes, and bite marks all over her magical girl outfit. At least she can rest easy at the fact that her outfit repairs itself with the next transformation. Wish the same can be said for replenishing her energy.

And without Chika and You around, Riko can’t call for their divine guide to help out. On her own, out of her mind, and out of options, she drops like a vegetable on her bed as she reverts to normal. “Ugh…so tired…”

She barely gets rest from today’s sortie when the ominous shadow of black wings block out the sun. “Oh, Riri…”

“Oh no,” Riko replied, her face deep into her pillow.

“It’s that time again, Riri. And this time, I won’t lose.”

“Can I have at least five minutes with my bed first? Please?”

No such chance, not with an irate fallen angel and a popping vein. Hauling Riko out of her slumber, Yohane soars across the neighborhood in broad daylight. The ride is anything but smooth, not with the exhausted Riko going full-on banshee. Heck, anyone would if they were being ferried hundreds of feet above solid ground with just the grapple of a fallen angel.

Fortunately, the ride ended as quickly as it began, their feet touching the beach outside Chika’s home. With a gentle push (“gentle” being an understatement), Yohane introduces Riko to three drooling jaws of death and the growl of her deepest fear. The latter’s face turned pale gazing upon the mercy of a three-headed creature of popular lore. “I-Is that…a…a Cerberus?!”

Yohane cackles at her impending victory. “Terrified? You should be. Behold! One of my legion’s pride and joy: the Cerberus!” Cue a monstrous roar for dramatic effect.

“So if he’s here…who’s guarding the door to the Underworld?” said Riko, striking a nerve with the right questions.

“W-Well, we have dozens more back home. Y-Yeah…” Yohane refuses to look at Riko in the eye.

“We’ve spent more time in someone’s headcanon, Yocchan. I know when you’re lying.”

Now Yohane _really_ can’t look at Riko in the eye. “S-So what? I-It’s _my_ dog, not yours.”

“Sure it is. I’m sure Hades would understand.”

“Enough! Time for you to bow down before darkness incarnate!”

The three-headed abomination roars, its spit splattering all over Riko’s face in a totally-not-explicit way. This isn’t rated explicit. Go read Guilty Barrel or something.

Stone in hand, Riko reluctantly accepts the challenge. “Shine! Aqours Ranger!”

**\---VICTORY CONDITIONS---**

Cerberus defeated 

**\---DEFEAT CONDITIONS---**

Aqours Pink defeated

Time expires (3:00 min) 

**\---OBSERVER---**

Dia Kurosawa

“I’m in the middle of a very important task,” complained Dia, summoned halfway through binge-watching µ’s live shows in Blu-Ray with Ruby. “Can’t this wait until tomorrow?” The combatants shook their heads in unison.


	11. It's a Dog-Eat-Dog World [And You Know It's Gonna Be About Riko] (Second Half)

**\---MISSION START---**

One of the greatest mismatches of this over-the-top weirdness kicks off with the Cerberus drawing first blood. No blood, actually, but the flurry of tackles and tail whips batter the already-weakened Riko (a deadly one-two punch as far as Pokémon is concerned). Despite retaliating with basic spells like fireballs and lighting shots, the reprisal from her enemy is far more brutal. The first minute of the battle passes with the Cerberus enjoying the upper hand.

Don’t take this fic’s word for it. Here’s our in-house analyst for more.

_On the matter of combat potential, Aqours Pink has the most out of the three. However, such power comes at the expense of stamina. The wide array of powerful spells at her disposal requires her to be at full strength in every sortie. Any lower than 80 percent of her stamina and her casting rate will slow down and the spells’ damage reduced. Think of it as leaky plumbing. A drippy hole will cut back on the pressure, not to mention add to your bloody water bill._

_It’s for this reason that Aqours Pink ALMOST never fights alone. At full power, she can hold her own in a one-on-one. Probably. In this case, she’ll need to seize that brief window to deal a decisive blow…if she survives long enough to see it._

And Aqours Pink is feeling like a leaky pipe right now. Her strength wanes in a desperate defense of humanity from the darkness standing before her. The Cerberus continues its flurry of tackles and tail whips, as if it hasn’t leveled up enough to learn anything else. These may be more than enough to put its weakened opponent out of her misery.

Worse, Yohane gives her pet a boost for good measure.

_Go forth with my dark blessing_

_Destroy all hope, leave nothing_

“Oh, come on!” Riko can only watch as the monster bathes in sheer power. The next wave of tackles and tail whips may just kill her outright.

“Believe me. I feel like crying, too,” Dia shrugged.

“Not helping, Dia-san!”

Soon, the souped-up monster charges with the force of a speed demon on a semi. It doesn’t pick up speed at first, but when it does it messes up anything it hits, even Dia in full-on plot armor. Lucky for her, she’s in plot armor. On the other hand, one hit from the rampaging hound from hell and it’s Game Over for the good guys. Not that delaying the inevitable will win the battle as the clock ticks past the two-minute mark.

That decisive moment that bloody wanker talked about earlier has to come within the next minute. But too weak to cast powerful spells and alone to stand against the fallen angel’s legion, what can a terrified Riko do? What _would_ a terrified Riko do?

Run.

“Riko-san, where do you think you’re going?” shouted Dia but received no answer.

“Don’t let her escape!” Yohane orders her minion to give chase.

The wild goose chase goes beyond their sights, but it might not last for long. Not in the mood to see how the battle unfolds, Dia and Yohane stay put. Neither of them can harm each other, as the fallen angel puts it. “So…I can’t harm you. And you can’t harm me.”

“Seems that way,” Dia replied.

Cue awkward silence and exchange of gazes. YohaDia is a thing, right? Right?

“Do you have time to talk about our lord and savior, Lucifer?”

“Not interested.”

**~O~**

Running seems to be the only thing Riko is good at when it comes to canines. Shiitake aside, even the irresistible cuteness of a puppy makes her lock up the same way a faulty animatronic suit does to flesh and bone wearing it. Of course, in this case, self-defense overrides the locks and allows her to make a run for it. 

Time flows as normal as the goose chase continues, but in her mind time slows enough to ponder at a character-driven thought. Can she keep running forever? Can she continue to elude her worst fear for as long as she lives? Can she keep up being ridiculed by her friends, even used as bait to slay the hounds of hell and save lives? Can she ever get her first Aqours single as the center?

No further comment about the last one.

Amidst of the naysayers laying waste of her mind, Riko stops and turns around in a split second. In the face of approaching doom, her scepter unleashes the same blast that got Chika and You down for the count. Not much is done to incapacitate the monster, but the blast disorients it.

Riko’s coveted window opens. Her helplessness fueling her determination, she seizes the moment. “I won’t let it end this way! For Chika-chan and You-chan, I’ll stand firm!”

Friendship indeed inspires people in strange ways, as in “charge up for a powerful finishing move” strange. The Cerberus does the same with its brand of darkness. Surely, this will be Riko’s finest 15 seconds, a moment to decide which blast of energy hits first.

“Repulse the darkness! SANCTUS NOVA!” cried Riko, moments before her scepter unleashes a blast that puts the Buster Rifle to shame. The Cerberus unleashes its own counter but easily dissolves in hallowed light along with itself.

But at her weakened state, Riko’s decisive blow fizzles in less than a few seconds. She collapses, just in time to see her resolve failing to vanquish the monster who prepares to pounce on its prey. “I’m sorry…Chika-chan…You-chan…”

She doesn’t see or feel her doom. She doesn’t at all, thanks to the sounds of her friends coming to her rescue. First, You’s voice: “Strike true! Starlight Missile!” Then, Chika’s: “Paladin’s Cross!”

The chatter continues for as long as the clock winds down. “You-chan, another one! Finish it off!”

“Aye aye! Starlight Missile!”

**\---MISSION COMPLETE---**

**~O~**

The ceiling Riko wakes up to see seems different, old-fashioned wood a far cry from the whiteness she wakes up to every day. Around her are further clues: a lobster plush, a wall pocket, and a yellow laptop on the table. And if the tatami matting and sliding doors fail to convince her that she was in Chika’s room, common sense may as well just give up altogether.

A mild dizziness hinders her from getting the whole picture, but she sighs in relief knowing that she isn’t in the middle of a battle. The clock reads half-an-hour past ten in the morning, the weekly local cooking show echoing from downstairs implies that it’s Sunday.

The battle, which was finally coming back to her, was three days ago.

A clean shirt lies on top of Riko’s blanket. Whether or not it’s meant for her, its eerie scent draws her in. In a twist that’s as strange as it’s sexual, she picks up the shirt and gets more of the scent. Somehow (and for reasons not worth getting into today), she guesses the scent as belonging to Chika. And somehow (and also for reasons not worth getting into today), she licks it out of pleasure.

“Oh, Chika-chan…” she muttered.

The apple of her eye appears just in time to be scared out of her wits. “…what?”

“Eeeek!” Riko drops everything but the kitchen sink. “C-Chika-chan?! I-I didn’t see you come in!”

“That was…weird. Are you sure you should be up and about?”

“Never been better! Ha, ha, ha…”

Weird fetishes aside, Chika sits by Riko’s side. Fortunately, she wasn’t forced to drop the cup of hot tea after seeing that creepy stunt. “You-chan had something to do back home, so she left early. How are you feeling?”

“A bit dizzy,” Riko replied. “That aside, I’m all right.”

“That’s a relief. You-chan and I were worried. You were asleep for three days.”

“That long, huh? Guess that last attack I made took a lot out of me. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. We wouldn’t have won that fight without your help.”

“Really? We won?”

“By a split second, according to Dia-san. Yoshiko-chan was _really_ pissed.”

“Well, it’s her fault for not letting me rest in the first place. Then again…”

“Something wrong?”

Riko’s clenched fists signal a troubled mind. “I…I’m sorry. This should’ve been _my_ battle. Instead, I made you guys finish the fight. I’m such a weakling.”

“Riko-chan…”

She’s the Riko who becomes deathly scared at the sight of canines. She’s the Riko who doubts first then tries later, if it’s worth trying. She’s the Riko who feels non-deserving of the responsibility as Aqours Pink, who may as well be called Aqours Black—as in the black sheep. Her frustrated tirades go on and on before a sorry Chika, only to stop when the latter hugs her. “Riko-chan, you’re not a weakling.”

“Chika…chan?”

She’s also the Riko who saved Chika back at the start by making a life-changing decision, to become an Aqours Ranger alongside her. She’s also the Riko who risked her life with said decision, if not the choice to protect her as a powerless mortal. She’s also the Riko who chose to singlehandedly defend humanity when her friends were down for the count. Granted that You was with her during most of these times, but the important thing is that Riko showed her true strength.

Kindness. The power to risk all for the benefit of all.

“So don’t say that you’re weak, Riko-chan,” Chika continued without letting go of her hug. “You have something the likes of Yohane-chan will never have…or understand.”

Along came Yoshiko’s rebuttal from the doorway. “Hey, I heard that!”

“Yocchan?” said a surprised Riko. “Why are you here?”

Yoshiko holds her words until she hands over a plastic bag to Riko. “Here. I made you sandwiches. I hope you like egg salad.”

The kind gesture surprises the redhead, but prompt gratitude is in order. “Thank you, Yocchan.”

“D-Don’t get the wrong idea,” a sheepish Yoshiko turns around. “I want to fight you at full strength. So you and the girls better be ready next week. I _won’t_ hold back.”

“It’s a promise,” Riko smiled.

Somewhere between the lines, Chika feels her sweet hug turn sour. _Hmph. Why does the author have to be a YohaRiko fan, anyway?_


	12. Into the Life of a Fallen Angel [Starring David Attenborough's Less-Known Double]

_Perhaps 5:00 a.m. is too early for early birds, but Yoshiko Tsushima’s daily routine demands it. To say the least, her demonic overlords deem it necessary. They don’t work well when the sun is up, meaning the next ungodly hour is their only chance to communicate. Under candlelight’s soft caress, before an Ouija board, she utters the proper words for requesting an audience. And just like that, the Ouija board begins moving from letter to letter at insane speeds. Ordinary eyes won’t be able to catch a glimpse of even a letter, but demonic eyes would._

_It’s for this occasion that the crew brought a high-speed camera, to help piece together the will of the Underworld. At 500 frames per second, the first communiqué for her comes through: HOW GOES THE INVASION OF EARTH?_

“As before, the Aqours Rangers are a thorn in our plans,” Yoshiko replied. _The Ouija board transmits her message at the same insane speed. No touching required._

_After a while, the second communiqué comes through: STRONGER THAN EXPECTED, THEY ARE. SEND MORE POWERFUL DENIZENS, WE WILL._

“I am ever grateful, milord,” Yoshiko replied. _The Ouija board sends her reply._

_And the third: FAIL US, YOU SHALL NOT. ETERNAL PAIN, PRICE OF FAILURE IS._

“Of course, milord.” Yoshiko replied. _The Ouija board gets to work, adding a later inquiry._ “But may I ask why do you speak like that?”

_No movement from the board, at least until the next minute. BINGE-WATCHING STAR WARS, WE ARE. GO FORTH WITH OUR BLESSING, FALLEN ANGEL YOHANE._

_The candlelight snuffs itself out. No puff of wind or sleight of hand. The Ouija board falls dormant not to bridge the gap between the mortal and nether realms until the following dawn. With that, she gets ready for school._

_Whether the demons are watching the original trilogy or the gritty prequels matters little to the agent of discord on Earth. Her purpose on the mortal plane cannot get any more clear-cut: total subjugation and enslavement. The crew shivers at the chilling thought of Earth’s imminent doom, but they hold fast as professionals. We go into…_

_< < THE LIFE OF A FALLEN ANGEL>>_

_Fifteen-year-old Yoshiko Tsushima: the mortal shell of the thousand-year-old fallen angel Yohane. By the Underworld’s standards, both are the same age, if not vital statistics. When not busy wreaking all 666 kinds of havoc to the local populace, she walks among the denizens of this good Earth. She eats the same food, breathes the same air, laughs at the same jokes, and looks at her fan art funny. A young lass who just doesn’t fit in but tries anyway because her wings won’t fit in any doorway._

_The sun peering over the horizon, Yoshiko joins the stream of fellow students heading for the school on the hills. The elevation is to her liking, she admits, as it allows her to look down upon pathetic mortals. But perhaps her true reason is one of strategy, a commanding view of the seaside village where she can choose to launch her attack with near impunity._

_“Near” because of an obstacle: the heroic trio known as the Aqours Rangers._

_Yoshiko’s fallen angel instincts kick in, greeting the trinity of Chika Takami, You Watanabe, and Riko Sakurauchi as would a snake to a predator. Make no mistake that the greeting is unusual, to say the least. Beyond their relationship as schoolmates and fellow school idols lies a brewing hostility ready to break out at a moment’s notice. If not for certain rules of engagement, the school would have become everyone’s grave._

_Fortunately, both sides will get their battle in two days. For now, humanity can enjoy its peace._

**~O~**

“Yocchan and I still hang out from time to time,” Riko narrated. “Just a few days ago, we went to see a movie in the city. I wasn’t too fond of her taste for film, but the important thing is that I had a good time with her.”

“Yoshiko-chan?” You began. “Yeah, we still have to fight her if we want to keep this world safe. But after every battle, we go back to being close friends. It may sound weird at first, but in the end we still have our humanity intact.”

“We’ll fight if we have to, but we’ll still consider Yoshiko-chan as a friend,” Chika said. “She may be out to enslave Earth, but to us there won’t be another like Yoshiko-chan.”

“Woof,” goes Chika’s dog, Shiitake.

_Something about this conflict of good and evil was fascinating. There was no immediate danger to the Rangers, let alone the mortals they swore to protect. The uneventful hamlet known as Uchiura goes on with its daily fishing and shipping life like any other day. Fishermen like 67-year-old Shigeo Nobuyuki would look up in the sky for a pair of black wings streaking over their heads…and return to their daily business indifferent from before._

“I’m already old, so there’s no point for me worrying about death by fallen angel,” said Nobuyuki. “Actually, it’s hard to worry about things around here because Uchiura is a good community. We almost never see fights break out here or something like that.”

_But there would be a fight, as the forces of good and evil were required to once a week. Neither Yohane nor the Rangers know why they have to conform to these rules of engagement. Their gut feeling simply tells them to do so._

“I could totally lay waste to this backwater town right now,” Yoshiko said. “But we’re all bound by something greater. And if I knew what it was, I wouldn’t hesitate to unleash my little demons.”

_Perhaps searching for that greater power would be anticlimactic. It was pointless thinking about it. All they can do right now is to prepare for the battle ahead._

_Finally, the crew follows Yoshiko to Awashima Island. “A fine setting for a glorious skirmish,” she says, although part of the reason is that this documentary is sponsored by the Ohara Group. After telling the crew to get back, she unveils her true form in a swirling vortex of dark energy. Unfortunately, her sexy transformation is too explicit to be shown on national TV, although wankers can already imagine how the process works._

_Later, she casts a dark magic circle on the ground._ “Come forth, chosen denizen of the Underworld! Lend the fallen angel Yohane your power!”

_An Underworld lottery, as she describes it. Hell simply sends whatever abominable spawn of darkness it can spare, regarding little for strategy. One can only imagine what “monster of the week” will make its debut, the chosen one among a horde without end. The picture grows clearer as more of her little demon’s features emerge out of the circle._

_After a tense minute of waiting, the “monster of the week” is made manifest: a man in a tuxedo. It was no monster, however. It was the Underworld’s demon resources manager._ “Er, hello?” an awkward greeting from the fallen angel welcomes him.

“Unfortunately, we’re unable to send anyone through the portal at this time,” the manager said.

“Eh?! Why?”

“They all went on strike after not being paid for several months now.”

“Eh?! Isn’t that YOUR job? What happened?”

“Things are…complicated. You’ll have to make do with yourself in the meantime.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“The overlords have faith in your abilities. Be creative.”

_There goes the manager back to the circle, which swallows him up faster than quicksand. Not even the gods would’ve thought that labor unions in the Underworld were a thing. Regardless, the new reality stands no matter how much Yohane bickers about it._

_She may be more than a match for the Rangers, after all. A fallen angel whose experience in combat precedes her age earns more than her fair share of abilities. But her preferred method of laying waste to her enemies involves blasting them to kingdom come, as she demonstrated with a simple release of energy onto the penthouse. The entire suite explodes in a spray of rubble in an instant. For the record, however, she can craft her attacks any way she sees fit: a spread of lasers, a rain of lasers, humongous lasers, and the works._

_But it’s “Galaxy Crusher” that takes the cake. When asked about a brief demo, Yohane said:_ “It’s called ‘Galaxy Crusher’ for a _reason_.” _Wise for the crew to not push their luck too far._

 _The destruction soon attracts her nemeses: the Aqours Rangers. Still in their school uniforms, Chika, You, and Riko race to battle—in front of a half-destroyed hotel. Once they took out their stones of power, their battle cry pierces the air of chaos above them._ “Shine! Aqours Ranger!”

_Again, their transformation involves nudity, so it cannot be shown. Imagination, however, will be more than happy to entertain the aficionados._

_From three ordinary high school juniors, the power bestowed upon them transforms them into three magical girls. The resolute Aqours Mikan cuts down the darkness with her Sunshine Sword, the loyal Aqours Blue rains hallowed light down with her Bright Ballista, and the pure-hearted Aqours Pink enacts swift judgment with her Sanctus Scepter. A three-on-one battle hardly seems fair, but numbers alone don’t determine the victor._

**\---VICTORY CONDITIONS---**

Aqours Rangers defeated

**\---DEFEAT CONDITIONS---**

Yohane defeated

Time expires (5:00 min)

**\---OBSERVER---**

Hanamaru Kunikida

_The observer appears out of nowhere without explanation. But who cares at this point? Their lives now make as much sense as how Alfred Hitchcock ends his movies._

**\---MISSION START---**

_The battle heavily favored the fallen angel and her dark magic. The Rangers, still a ragtag group of greenhorns, fall one by one no matter how many times they get back up. All Yohane needed to seize victory was two minutes._

**\---MISSION COMPLETE---**

_Despite the victory, Yohane cannot lay waste to the mortal plane just yet. They’re still far off from the so-called “endgame,” which not even the conflict’s arbiter, Mari Ohara, is privy to the details. She calls it the ninth rule, not disclosed in the rules of engagement that she calls the Ohara Convention._

“When will it end? I wish I knew,” Mari takes a sip of her tea around the remains of the penthouse blown up earlier.

_The story is far from complete, and perhaps that’s a good thing. As we uncover more and more of the fallen angel’s life on Earth, more questions come to mind. What is the point of all this silliness? Why can’t Yohane bring the world to an end here and now? Who is really pulling the strings in this entire campaign? The answers may or may not manifest, but one thing’s for certain. This documentary has been a complete waste of time._


	13. Cheesecakes for Everyone [A Fan Service Episode This Early?!]

Every demon lieutenant Yohane summons comes with its own way of wreaking all sorts of havoc. Most in her demonic legion have a one-track mind that wants to destroy everything it comes across. Indeed, destruction is the most surefire way of subjugating a realm, sowing fear in the hearts of the denizens. Some, however, prefer a more covert approach, waging war on their enemies’ psyche and taking advantage of the situation. After all, if the only way for world domination is via destruction, there might not be anything left to rule over.

The monster for this week, however, takes world domination to levels of strange, if not creepy.

**\---VICTORY CONDITIONS---**

Hentaku defeated

**\---DEFEAT CONDITIONS---**

Aqours Rangers defeated

Time expires (5:00)

**\---OBSERVER---**

Kanan Matsuura

Yohane’s little demon of choice called Hentaku (a portmanteau of “hentai” and “otaku,” because God help us all for combining two bad things to make something worse) shrugs off every attack the Rangers make.  Even the fallen angel it serves can't help but admire its godlike armor. Perhaps a few more of its kin and world domination will be easy as pie, if not for its creepy grin. A gust of wind from its mouth flips the girls’ skirts enough to peek into their modesties. “Ho, ho…white as pure as your souls.”

“Nobody told me we’d be fighting a _pervert_!” Riko struggles to keep her short skirt down against the gust of perverted wind. And for the record, nobody told Chika and You, as well. Not that they would know what abomination is next in line.

“Chika-chan, what are we gonna do?” You asked.

“How would I know? This fight is just too weird!” Chika replied.

And it only gets weirder with blue lasers shooting out of Hentaku’s bloodshot eyes. The direct hit sees their clothes fizzle out thread by thread, baring their birthday suits. If they weren’t shrieking loud enough earlier, they were breaking windows now. They don’t even hear Kanan breaking the bad news to them. “Uh girls, I hate to be the bearer of bad news…but time’s up.”

“I don’t care anymore! Just get us some clothes!” Riko cried.

Meanwhile, Yohane finds joy at the Rangers’ suffering. “Yes, foolish mortals. Despair! Despair like never before! Despair for your modesty is your weakness!” Then, she turns to her little demon for a well-deserved commendation. “You have made the Underworld proud today, little demon. You shall be my right hand from this day forth. Together, we shall—”

Cue the stripper beam hitting Yohane, leaving the blackness of her wings to contrast with her bright flesh. “Kyaaaaa!!!”

“Very nice, very nice,” the monster giggled.

“What’s the big idea?! I’m on your side, you buffoon!”

For all their fearsome abilities, demons like Hentaku have to be nerfed. In its case, its love for fan service blinds it from friend and foe, among other factors. Not even Kanan is immune to its effects, having her plot armor taken away to advance the plot. “Hey!”

It’s plot armor. Not God armor.

The monster going rogue changes nothing. Yohane’s demonic legion claims victory this week but at the expense of the monster on a stripping rampage. All of the fallen angel’s calls to stand down fall to deaf ears. “Now, let me bask in the glory that is _fan service_! I’M COMING, MY WAIFUUUU!!!”

Dumbfounded, the girls gather around. Towels from a nearby boutique will have to do as they talk about how to tackle such a conundrum.

“Congratulations, Yocchan,” Riko gazes at Yohane. “You set loose a pervert upon this world. Happy?”

“Don’t blame me,” Yohane protested. “I just work with whoever the Underworld gives me. Besides, I plan on letting him wreak havoc, anyway.”

Sure, let the pervert do its thing. It’s not like Rule Number 5 exists, anyway. It’s not like both parties are prohibited from taking further action once a battle ends. It’s not like anything the monster does will have any effect on the general population due to plot armor. Laws are stupid and arbitrary.

Oh look, here comes Yohane’s pet coming back from the biggest disappointment of its life. “Hey! Why can’t I do my thing?”

“I told you to stand down.” With a snap, Yohane opens a dark portal to the Underworld behind her. “You’ll get your chance next week. Now, back you go.”

An adamant Hentaku resists the order. “No! I want my waifu here! Hell sucks!”

Fortunately, Yohane is a bit more adamant. “I said, back you go! And don’t let me catch you peeping in the lava baths!”

The bizarre argument of boss and employee ends with the latter grumbling all the way back home. Another snap from the fallen angel closes the portal. “Believe me, even Hell doesn’t want him.”

You asks the question on everybody’s minds. “So…what’re we gonna do?”

“He’s clearly insane, Yoshiko-chan,” Chika said. “We have to stop him before he strips everyone and their grandma in Numazu.”

“Yohane! And what do you mean ‘we’?” Yohane replied.

“You said it yourself,” Chika continued. “Not even Hell wants his creepy ways. You have to help us.”

“You must be joking. Why should I help my sworn enemies?”

“Do you _want_ to fight naked all the time?”

Stoked faces surround Chika’s valid point. Only thing that’s missing is an awkward *toing* sound. Yohane’s opinion turns on its head faster than Ron Burgundy and his beer can comment. “Fine, fine! I know how to deal with him. But you’re not gonna like it.”

You tempts fate, which almost never goes well. “What could possibly be worse than fighting naked?”

**~O~**

Scantily clad in swimwear while putting up an enticing front. The beach episode is the girls’ only shot at dismissing the pervert for good. Clear skies above Uchiura’s remote beach cooperate with the pristine waters and the bare flesh of high school girls whose vital statistics barely differ from one another. The bright colors of their two-pieces (save for Yoshiko who insists on wearing black) put them at the center of the monster’s impending attention.

Already, You regrets ever tempting fate. She’s all for wearing cute swimsuits, but the daring two-piece she’s wearing shows her doubts about their crazy scheme. No words necessary to express You’s doubt. Yoshiko can plainly see it clear as day.

“Told ya,” Yoshiko grinned.

Everyone knows what they have to do to make their plan work. Act sunny and naughty, overload the monster’s fetish, and strike as one while it’s staggered. A decent plan on paper but only for those brave enough to expose as much flesh without turning the scene into a raunchy fivesome. Chika has no problem throwing shame out the window.

Riko, on the other hand, has no problem going after said shame. “This is just _freaky_! I want out!”

“Come on, Riko-chan,” Chika said. “This is the only way. We really have to act naughty.”

“Sorry, but I don’t _do_ naughty.”

“You’re gonna have to. You want that thing to have its way?”

“Well, no. But still…”

Yoshiko rallies the girls. “Is everyone ready? I’m about to open the portal.”

**\---VICTORY CONDITIONS---**

Hentaku defeated in one turn

**\---DEFEAT CONDITIONS---**

Hentaku survives the ambush

Aqours Rangers defeated

A snap from the fallen angel opens a dark rift on top of the sand. The guest of the hour pops out of the portal faster than daisies after an avalanche. Its blood gets pumping upon first contact with the beach girls, giggling and eager to waste the day away. Of course, it’s all a ruse, down to the reason for such an occasion: the little demon’s just desserts (it stripped Yohane bare in the process, but hey that’s fan service).

The girls start off with beach volleyball: Team ChikaRiko vs. Team YouHane, with Hentaku as the referee. Because you gotta have beach volleyball in a beach episode, apart from watermelon piñata, burying neck-deep in sand, and chasing each other by the waves like lovers.  The round goes as well as players with little in the way of sports: a lot of falling and facefuls of sand. Those who fell on their rears found their chance to entice the monster with their bare legs, which are obviously its cup of tea. Their clumsy act adds to the monster’s thrill.

But Hentaku is far from being staggered, as the girls notice after a round of beach volleyball. “We’ve only begun, you know,” Yoshiko said. “A few more hours, give or take. The day’s still young.”

“I hope you know what you’re doing, Yocchan,” Riko whispered.

The day at the beach moves to the ocean where the girls run for a cool dip as gravure models would. Splashing water at each other? Check. Laughing while doing it? Check. Yoshiko losing her top while a stunned Riko bleeds from her nose? Oh yeah.

The monster’s excitement steps up, given its incessant hollering and flailing. At least the girls can relax knowing that their little ploy is working as advertised.

“Yeah, it’s working!” Chika replied in hush tones. “Now, for the coup de grace.”

“The _what_?” You said, seconds before a gentle push sent her tumbling toward Yoshiko, who was still looking for her missing top. Nothing in the way stops the two from the eventual French kiss at the end, their surprised eyes slowly narrowing to ones of pleasure.

Because nothing says fan service better than generous portions of Ho Yay.  The longer it persists, the hotter it gets.

And not even a pervert from another dimension is immune to the rising thrill of same-sex love. It enters into a state of convulsion, hollering and flailing some more as Team YouHane maintains its love scene. Meanwhile, Chika and Riko are forced to watch two scenes, waiting for the window of opportunity. But it takes Yoshiko to remind them that said window’s already open. “What are you doing? Strike as one _now_!”

“R-Right,” Chika, You, and Riko get into formation and raise their stones. “Shine! Aqours Ranger!”

The precious few seconds for the attack winds down as the girls emerge from their transformation. They waste no time doing their worst against a little demon that gave them the most grief so far. Against determined attacks like Chika’s Paladin Cross and You’s Starlight Missile, Hentaku cannot respond effectively. Victory is close at hand, so long as Riko remembers not to use…

“Judgment Bolt!”

In water.

“Both fighters are out…the fight…is a draw…zura…” Hanamaru declares before flopping dead in the water because of Riko’s lack of common sense.

 


	14. You's Woozy Flu Day [It's Much Worse Than a Fever] (First Half)

Bursts of green mist go off across the grounds outside Numazu Station, innocents running for their lives. The unfortunate trapped in the mist succumb to incessant coughing, sudden tiredness, chills, runny noses, and sore throat. All are unlucky to be at the receiving end of a zombie nurse that gives the abominations from _Silent Hill_ a run for their money. Instead of huge knives and gauze-wrapped faces, this lieutenant in Yohane’s demonic legion isn’t scared to reveal her look mangled by a meat grinder. Not to mention the belt of syringes filled with green fluid, which she tosses everywhere.

The fallen angel takes delight in the suffering of every mortal man, woman, and child in her sight. Actually, “delight” is an understatement when she’s laughing like a maniac possessed. “Ha, ha, ha! Suffer, mortals! Suffer! Suffer by this plague!”

And it doesn’t help that she’s just fine inhaling the funky stuff. Who needs multivitamins when you have enough resistance against the light?

The response is swift. Chika and Riko head to the battle zone, their magic stones pulsating with raw power. The next step is self-explanatory. “Shine! Aqours Ranger!”

Yohane cackles at the light’s futile attempt to thwart her this time. “You’re too late. This realm shall soon succumb to a pandemic. And only _I_ have the cure.”

“Way to make the mood grim, Yoshiko-chan,” said a deadpan Chika.

“It’s Yohane! And it’s supposed to be grim!”

A tense air drifts over the battle zone, even tenser the looks on the Rangers’ faces. The opposing forces give each other the thousand-yard stare (even though they’re only around ten yards apart). Everyone and their grandmas are chomping at the bit to get the fight over with. All they need is a signal from this week’s observer: Ruby in a hazmat suit.

Two minutes into stern stares, Chika begins to wonder. “Um, Ruby-chan? Aren’t we starting yet?”

“But…aren’t you missing someone?” Ruby’s muffled voice echoes out of her hazmat suit, a silly but necessary precaution only her sister can come up with.

“Someone?” Ranger Leader looks around her for an answer, to no avail. “I don’t think we’re missing someone. Are we?”

The lull in the action gives enough time for a bus from Uchiura to pull up to the curbside. Its only passenger steps down but falls face flat on the ground in a hurry. Chika and Riko recognize the passenger’s pale hair color and Uranohoshi school uniform even all the way from Hakodate. “You-chan?!”

Dirt on her face, You rebounds from an embarrassing show. “Ahaha…sorry. Hold that thought.” She raises her stone, also pulsating in power, and joins the battle. “Shine! Aqours Ranger!”

The faceplant may as well be an isolated case, but her friends can’t help but notice something amiss with You. Of course, things that are amiss are usually as easy to find as the Fountain of Youth or the Holy Grail. Nothing seems to be out of the ordinary in her cute transformation, nothing from clothes fizzling out to magical fabric weaving her battle dress. It’s as cute as it’ll ever be.

Fortunately, they find their answer in her catchphrase. “Steady on! Aqours…Aq…ah…ah-ACHOO!” The runny nose that follows confirms it.

“You-chan,” says a worried Chika. “Are you okay?”

“I’m a-okay, matey! Not totally down with the flu.”

“I didn’t say anything about any flu.”

“Did you? Haha, funny you should say that. Let’s get this thing over…oh…ah…aaah-CHOO!”

**\---VICTORY CONDITIONS---**

Lady Malady defeated

Civilian casualties kept below 100

**\---DEFEAT CONDITIONS---**

Aqours Rangers defeated

Civilian casualties exceed 100

**\---OBSERVER---**

Ruby Kurosawa

**\---NOTES---**

Combatants not counted as casualties

No time limit this time. The battle entails keeping the number of afflicted to a minimum, which can take several minutes at best. The city government is even generous to provide a display near the station to help keep count. Ruby takes one last look at the belligerents. The wheel of fate finally begins to turn.

**\---MISSION START---**

More of the green mist explodes all around the battle area as the Rangers charge into the enemy head-on. A swing of Chika’s sword clears the mist with ease, though she may have wanted to check where to swing first. The mist ends up drifting to the next city block, bringing the casualty count to over half by the first minute. You and Riko can’t help but give their leader the silly poker face the misfits of _KonoSuba_ are known for.

Her argument doesn’t help. “Whaaaat? You expect us to inhale that thing instead?” In silence, her friends’ funny looks scream along the lines of: “No, we expect you to watch your fire.”

The Rangers finally close the gap enough for the zombie nurse to draw out her trump card. They wince at the sight of their enemy drawing her weapon—an oversized scalpel—out of rotting tissue. The fleshy blade clashes with the Sunshine Sword, neither willing to give up an inch of ground. Riko circles around the monster’s flank and lets loose fountains of flame. The monster simply shrugs off the insult despite the mounting pressure.

It’s up to You to put even more pressure. Down the crude sights of her ballista, Aqours Blue stares at the weakness of every zombie in pop culture: the head. It falls on a clean hit to win the battle for the forces of good.

Just one problem. For someone claiming _not_ to suffer from any flu, You is seeing two of a kind right now. A lightheaded sensation results in a trembling ballista arm and futile attempts to correct it. As her friends are hurting from a vicious counterattack, she becomes tempted to fire and forget before it’s too late. After much hesitation, she takes the shot.

Her arrow grazes dangerously too close to Chika’s eyes. It hits a bystander named Wilhelm off-cam. One for the casualty counter.

“Whoa! You-chan, watch it!” an exasperated Chika exclaims without losing a bead on the monster flailing her fleshy scalpel like crazy.

“I-I’m sorry, Chika-chan,” You replied.

“Are you SURE that you’re okay?”

“I’m fine. Let me take another shot.”

She aims her ballista a second time, but her double vision worsens. The line dividing friend and foe has all but blurred with her vision. Still, upon hearing Chika’s cries of harm, she takes the shot. Good news: it doesn’t hit Chika. Bad news: it knocks Riko’s scepter off her hands. The attack is disrupted and the enemy counters with extreme prejudice.

“Oh no,” said a terrified You. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“You-chan, stay back. We’ll handle this,” hollered Chika.

“No! I can still help! _Rain of Light!_ ”

When two of your friends are already telling you to stop, it’s probably a sign that you should take their word. “You-chan, NO!”

**~O~**

As it turns out, laying down a rain of arrows during a mission to keep casualties to a minimum isn’t the best strategy. But who can fully pin the blame on a delirious You? Disease messes up a person’s thinking, especially in the middle of a life-and-death struggle. No doubt she’s well-aware of this, yet she chose to help any way she can. Unfortunately, her decision only serves to weigh her heart down as she rests in her room.

Her recklessness _nearly_ cost the Rangers the battle. If not for Chika dealing the decisive blow at the last second, the Rangers would’ve lost by way of casualty count. And right now, You isn’t sure if she can still face her friends.

Not that she has a choice as they enter her room, get-well goodies on hand. “How’re you doing, You-chan?” Chika’s cheery look makes it hard to discern genuine happiness from passive aggressiveness. Riko’s smile adds to the difficulty.

“Chika-chan,” You’s soft voice permeates in the silence of her quarters. “I…I just want to say—”

“Don’t say anything, You-chan. It’s the flu’s fault, not yours.”

“But…if I hadn’t…”

“Don’t beat yourself up over it. The important thing is that we won.”

A dejected You curls up and turns facing the wall. It becomes clear to her friends that she’s taking her recklessness seriously, regardless of the outcome. Sitting by the bedside, Riko places a hand of assurance over You’s shoulder. “True, you could’ve known better. But we wouldn’t turn our backs on you because of that. That’s not how friends act.”

“After all that, you’d still think of me as a friend?” You replied.

“Of course. Why wouldn’t we?”

“Well…you know.” Words jumble in You’s head without any effort to cohere. The ones that manage to get as far as her mouth come out as inarticulate baloney. Not that baloney is intelligible to begin with, anyway.

“Seriously,” Riko sighed. “If you have time to beat yourself up over silly things, put it to better use.” The tense look that follows makes it clear that she won’t take no for an answer.

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry, guys.”

“And stop saying sorry. We’re not mad at you.”

With little regard for You’s contagious condition, Chika and Riko sit by her side. A few slices of Uchiura’s famous oran—er, _mikan_ goes a long way in nursing her back to health, but the company of good friends goes longer. At times like these, the girls wish that they enjoy each other’s company the entire day, if not forever.

Of course, their glowing stones just HAD to be total killjoys and call them to duty. And it doesn’t take more than a peek out the window to see the source of trouble: a bunch of hellish hounds going after a terrified Mutsu. Surely the reason isn’t related to the large papier-mâché bone she’s lugging on her back. As to why she’s carrying the biggest fake dog bait in the franchise, well…the sky’s the limit with headcanon.

Two able-bodied Rangers should be more than enough to save the day. You attempts to get up, but Riko pushes her back to bed. “You’re in no condition to fight, You-chan. Get some rest.”

“But I—”

“No buts, You-chan. We’ll handle this.”

Raising their stones, the two girls cry out to the heavens. “Shine! Aqours Ranger!”

They bathe in hallowed light brighter than the Sun. And that’s bad news for a bedridden You, forced to see it too close. But they aren’t fully to blame. Just as that brand new microwave oven doesn’t come with instructions not to be used on pets, the transformation says nothing about triggering it at someone’s proximity. By the time they realize their mistake, You is already looking at them eyes wide open…and bloodshot.

“Next time…mind the gap,” she mutters.

She’ll be fine. Hallowed light doesn’t carry UV rays, anyway.


	15. You's Woozy Flu Day [It's Much Worse Than a Fever] (Second Half)

_Previously on “Shine! Aqours Rangers!”…_

Nothing bloody exciting, just cue a shot of a bedridden You with her blanket up to her neck. Maintain the scene for 15 minutes if necessary.

The flu’s about to turn one week old and she’s nowhere close to a clean bill of health. She can barely stand up, much less fight Yohane’s demonic legion with her friends. Only time, possibly laughing at her suffering right now, may as well decide if she’ll get better. Not _when_ she’ll get better, _if_ she’ll get better…which is kinda grim when you think about it.

The thermometer beeps, a prompt for her to read the latest on her fever: below 39 degrees but far from better. Aches trigger all over her body, the most painful around her shoulders. Every twist and turn as she rests up is a result of nausea in doubt whether or not to throw up. The effect worsens when she realizes the nearest bathroom is far enough to discourage her from getting up.

But perhaps the worst to befall her is her worth in the group. After her stubbornness nearly blew the fight for the Rangers, can she still go on? Is she still worthy of wielding the power of Aqours Blue? No joke, her self-doubt is partly to blame for her slow recovery. Then again, flu takes as long as two weeks to go away.

“Can I still go on?” You asks the blank, lifeless ceiling. When it doesn’t answer (shockingly), she shoves a pillow in her face and screams in frustration. Not best done with a runny nose, though, as her precious pillow’s now covered in snot. “Yuck.”

Her indifferent stare returns to the ceiling. She repeats the question. “Can I still go on?”

This time, she gets a response. Yohane’s head popping out of nowhere and at point blank probably isn’t what she has in mind. “What do you think?”

Shocked, You quickly gets up but not without barreling through Yohane’s head as would a bowling ball fired from a railgun. The force throws Yohane up and over, finally crashing on the floor with dizzy eyes. All that malevolent power of the Underworld and all it takes to put her down is a surprise headbutt.

“Yoshiko-chan?!” You exclaimed.

“Nice…one…and it’s…Yohane…”

If this were an official battle, the Rangers would’ve scored a major victory. Fast forward ten minutes later, You is still sick and Yohane now has that second “bun” she’s always wanted.

“You _could’ve_ knocked first, even if you came in by the balcony,” You sneers at her guest.

“I have these wings,” replied Yohane. “I can fly. Why should I knock on the front door like any lowly mortal?”

No use reasoning with her sworn enemy. “Never mind. What brings you here?”

“Just wondering what an old friend can do to help you get better.”

“Really?”

The fallen angel shoves her face short of contact with You’s runny nose. “Of course not! That’s not how a chaotic evil antagonist works! I’m here to brainwash you!”

The sickly You can’t be blamed for not knowing about a popular trope that bends a person into doing a villain’s will. “Brainwash?”

“You…don’t know anything about brainwashing, do you?”

“Is it cleaning your brain with detergent?”

“Close.”

“AH-CHOO!”

A layer of infected mucus, which sounds as gross as it looks, splashes all over Yohane’s face. Fortunately, fallen angels are immune to mortal illnesses. She doesn’t say a word about the sticky surprise, instead accepting You’s offer of tissues and continuing the talk. As for the avid reader of this gritty story, brainwashing needs little in-depth explanation. Yes, it’s like cleaning the brain with detergent.

Whether or not it’s the flu talking, You seems a bit too eager to be subjected under Yohane’s spell. “Sounds awesome! Let’s try it.”

“I’m glad that you agree—wait, what?”

“Let’s try it. That brainwashing thing.”

“Err…are you sure? You _will_ do as I tell you. You can’t say no, even if you want to.”

“Don’t worry. I’ve never been able to say no, especially to Chika-chan.”

Despite the awkward situation, Yohane takes You’s word. “Okay then. Just so we’re clear, this was _your_ choice.”

“I understand, Yoshiko-chan.”

“Yohane!”

“So…how does it go?”

Yohane smirks. “Glad you asked,” and proceeds to kiss her sworn enemy, who is evidently stunned. Their lips intertwine, an intimate air replacing the stale one inside the room. You gives in to the sensation filling the void in her, even pulling the fallen angel closer much to the latter’s surprise. Soon enough, the brainwashing starts to kick in, signified by the pupils in You’s eyes disappearing.

Soon, they part lips. Once animated, the look of You’s face has become nothing short of a blank slate. The blueness of her eyes nearly fades out in favor of the creeping darkness. The fallen angel takes delight in the effects of her spell, not to mention the bold kissing earlier. For the first time, she finally has someone she can proudly call her “little demon.”

Before sending her little demon out to destroy the Rangers, Yohane needs to do a bit of quality control. Not that it’s difficult to think of something for the little demon to do, but Yohane’s mind is bordering on naughty right now. Then again, they’re the only ones in the room, so it wouldn’t hurt.

“Yohane commands you…to…uh…s-strip,” she looks away in shame. Big talk for someone whose clothing exposes a _lot_ of skin.

The reply comes swiftly. “As you command, Yohane-sama,” You begins unbuttoning her top just in time for the early afternoon glare to censor whatever it’s hiding underneath. Then she takes off her shorts, upon which the glare censors that part, too. And that’s about as much fan service as this story can provide, folks. Sorry.

“Excellent,” Yohane remarks. At the display of absolute obedience, not the fan service. “You are ready, my little demon. You shall destroy the Rangers tomorrow.”

“As you command, Yohane-sama.”

**~O~**

Another day at school ends, another chance to check up on You. As her close friends, Chika and Riko remind each other to drop by as opportunity allows, if not every day.  They have to, considering that You could use the pep talk after being down in the dumps for almost a week. Walking along the suburbs of Numazu, the girls hope to see her fellow Ranger fit as a fiddle, in time for the next battle.

“I hope You-chan’s all right now,” said Riko. “It’ll be difficult to fight the demons with just the two of us. I mean, we barely got those hounds off of Mutsu-san’s back.”

“I’m sure You-chan will pull through,” replied Chika. “She won’t let a lousy flu get in the way of saving the world.”

“That’s…an interesting take on her personality.”

“I’m serious. You-chan _always_ does her best in everything as long as it’s for her friends.”

“I guess that thought about her never crossed my mind.”

It doesn’t take long for them to see You up and about outside her home. “Look! There she is,” Chika waves at her from a distance. “Heeeeey! You-chaaaaan!”

Even from afar, a skeptical Riko isn’t sure whether or not You should be outside. “I don’t know. Should she really be out here instead of resting up?” Chika and her one-track mind runs after You instead, much to Riko’s dismay, waving some more.

Perhaps the bigger question is should You be transforming at a time like this. And with a deadpan tone. “Shine…Aqours Ranger…”

The girls stop at the sight of hallowed light enveloping her. The girls expect a simple visit to start off with a greeting from Aqours Blue as much as anyone expects a Spanish inquisition. But not even any European inquisition expects her to raise her crossbow against her allies.

“What the heck?!” Chika ducks out of instinct, but the shot shaves off a bit of her hair.

The eyes of death turn to Riko, who transforms out of instinct. She manages to blunt the shot, but the situation remains the same. “You-chan, what’s gotten into you?” she exclaims, but You keeps her mouth shut.

One person, however, can’t seem to keep hers shut. And she descends just behind her little demon cackling. “Your doom is at hand, Rangers. Suffer at the hands of one of your own.”

“Yocchan?!” cried Riko. “What did you do to You-chan?”

“Yohane! And for the record, _she_ insisted on being brainwashed.”

“Brainwashed?”

“Enough talk! Aqours Blue, finish them off!”

**\---VICTORY CONDITIONS---**

Mind control on Aqours Blue broken

**\---DEFEAT CONDITIONS---**

Aqours Blue severely injured

Aqours Mikan and Aqours Pink defeated

Time expires (7:00)

Two-to-one odds matters little for this fight. Heck, beating You up to the point of disability (not death because none of us want that) isn’t an option when the goal is to make her snap out of her trance. But nobody said it’s gonna be easy, not with her agility giving Barry Allen a run for his money. A barrage of fireballs can’t stop a marauding Starlight Missile from running the gauntlet and blasting Riko through a wall. Meanwhile, the edge of Chika’s blade is rendered useless before hit-and-run tactics. Here’s our resident expert for more.

_What Aqours Blue lacks in good attack and defense, she makes up for it in agility. Don’t expect her to deal decisive blows, but expect her to irritate the enemy with fluid movements and hit-and-run tactics. This tactic allows her to harass a target long enough for the rest of the party to land the coup de grace._

“You-chan, snap out of it!” Chika yells as she goes after You, to no avail. On top of a simple cry being too convenient of a solution, any attempt at breaking mind control requires the victim herself to deem it so. And it’s hard to see through You’s blank expression whether or not she’s even trying.

“It’s no use. She’s not responding,” Riko replied.

“Riko-chan, don’t you know some anti-mind control spell or something?”

“If I did, we wouldn’t be three minutes into the battle.”

“Now you tell me. What’re we gonna do?”

“I’m thinking! I’m thinking!”

Then, the Rangers bear the brunt of an attack never seen before: _“Shadow Pin.”_

Two normal shots fly off her ballista. The girls easily dodge them, but they suddenly find themselves unable to move. The arrows find their intended mark—by the edge of their shadows—and restrain them from head to toe. Any forceful attempt to break free of the paralysis ends up instilling a splitting sensation to their bodies.

The brainwashed You calmly walks up to Chika and takes aim at point blank. The tip of the killing blow looms before the helpless Ranger. From afar, the fallen angel urges her servant to end it. “End this. Now!”

Cue dramatic pause caused by hesitation, because you can’t have your “kill her already” trope without it. Cue Riko’s pleas to reconsider. “Listen to me, You-chan. Please don’t do this. I beg of you.”

Nothing comes out of You’s mouth. But nothing comes out of her weapon…yet.

“You-chan!” Chika and Riko plead again, desperation written all over their faces. No, really, you can see the kanji from forehead to chin. “YOU-CHAN!”

It would seem that the tension would remain for eternity. Suddenly, a “bwuh” from You, followed by her laughing her ass out. The resulting looks of confusion around her watch, trying to make sense of the reaction. Then again, making sense in this alternative timeline meets as much success as making soup out of rocks.

“Oh no, You-chan’s broken!” exclaimed a horrified Chika.

“No, no, no,” replied You. “I’m fine. I never thought that being bent to do someone’s bidding was a _blast_. It’s the most fun I had in years.”

Cue a flat “What?” from her fellow Rangers, pissed at the tense situation turned awkward.

The mind control clearly didn’t work. You-chan just took everyone for a Wacky Party Train ride (“Hey!” an annoyed Kanan cries off-camera), but science may have an explanation. For mind control to work, as it turns out, the subject must be unaware that he or she’s being brainwashed. And that clearly didn’t work with the WELL-AWARE You.

Needless to say, Chika and Riko don’t take the prank quite well. And with the movement of the Sun shifting their shadows away from the pin, they become free to exact revenge. “Oh, You-chan…”

“Oh, uh…ha, ha, ha,” You said. “I suppose…we can just talk about this?”

This two-parter has gone on long enough, so Gilligan cut to You at bed covered in bandages. Oh, and she still has the flu. “AH-CHOO!”


	16. Art of the Dress [Brace Yourselves, Shout-Outs are Coming]

This tidbit of information should’ve been mentioned at the start of _Shine! Aqours Rangers!_ (but forgotten for reasons to remain a secret for now) The magical dresses they wear are akin to the costumes the second-years wore in their first live. It’s _Daisuki Dattara Daijoubu! Part 2: Electric Boogaloo_ , sans the weapons of course. Wearing a skirt in battle has its share of advantages, namely mobility…and fan service if you’re still skeptic.

Don’t worry, though. Riko shares just as much skepticism regarding skirts, dating back to the day she accepted the role of Aqours Pink. Why the heck do magical girls have to wear tiny miniskirts? “Why the hell not?” would be a lazy answer. Normally, such a trivial issue hardly compares with the urgency of saving the world from an encroaching darkness. But the last battle against one of Yohane’s lieutenants takes said issue up to eleven.

“I don’t like this anymore!” cried the bashful Riko. For the record, however, she has been the least enthusiastic about the whole shebang.

“Something wrong?” You asked in reply.

The redhead pulls a bit of her skirt up for reiteration. “ _This_ is wrong. We shouldn’t be out saving the world wearing embarrassing clothes.”

“What’s embarrassing about them? They’re basically like the ones we—”

“I know, I know. But performing on stage is different from fighting demons. Remember that pervert from several weeks ago?” Yes, she’s talking about Hentaku, the demon that not even the Underworld wants. Yes, chills just went down their spine at the mere mention. Yes, they agreed never to talk about it again, even if Yohane ends the world.

Chika throws in her two cents. “It’s not like we like them or anything. Besides, jeans are hard to move around with.”

Riko takes a deep breath. “Okay, okay. Doesn’t have to be jeans. Just something…less embarrassing.”

One might think that she would have gotten over her timidity after so many live shows, nine out of ten _involving skirts_. But alas, she forces herself to wear them because being the odd one out in a uniform group of nine is just as embarrassing. Forget the transformation sequence. A miniskirt is to Riko as kryptonite is to Superman.

In the end, they all concur that a costume change is in order. Before that, however, they must seek the wisdom of their mystical guide, who has way less airtime than Kanan in Season 1. As the stones in close proximity summons him for the first time in ages, their guide—who has been listening this entire time—gives a flat “No.”

“What?” the girls replied in unison.

“It’s impossible to change the nature of your dresses,” he explained. “They contain the essences of Rangers of ages past, as well as yours. This allows the successors to be much stronger than those before them. Altering them in any way might destroy the essences.” Not mentioned is the fact that the gods get all giggly about cute magical dresses. But the bad news is enough to dash the girls’ hopes.

“Hold on,” Riko said. “Didn’t you say that you alone fought the darkness for a long time? Where did these past Rangers come from?”

“That was 50,000 years ago,” the creature answered. “Since that day, I entrusted the fate of countless dimensions to various hosts, as my powers were waning.”

Chika’s stare of suspicion intervenes. Above her, the onomatopoeia stretches as far as the next prefecture. “Are you sure you’re not just plumb lazy?”

Needless to say, the creature doesn’t take that quite well. “Try saying that again, you little, ungrateful prick.” The opposing forces butt heads, but there’s hardly any contact between flesh and an ethereal form.

“Anyway,” You intercedes. “Best that we _don’t_ fiddle with forces we don’t understand.” Not a big deal for Chika, but Riko slumps at the futility of her suggestion.

Then, the creature offers another way. “Have you tried a partial discharge?”

“A what?” the girls replied.

“In case of an emergency, the hosts can summon their weapons and some abilities without transforming,” the creature explained. “Past Rangers used this when their enemies didn’t give them any chance of unleashing their powers. You can use this and still wear whatever you desire.”

One by one, the girls’ eyes light up. Hope fills them upon realizing that the plan makes sense in context. Their mystic guide may have just given them something to look forward to…and perhaps something to fear. He bears witness to the excited looks of the chosen ones in utter silence, clearly knowing more than what has been served on the table. But should he inform the girls?

“Nah,” he said. “Let them learn the hard way.”

**~O~**

And thus begins the quest for the ideal battle costume, the resident dressmaker You taking the helm. Ideas flood her playbook, most of them derived from pop culture, as well as the parameters for a good costume: armor, mobility, and comfort. Granted that she can’t have her _mikan_ and eat it, too, but that won’t stop her from trying.

The first batch of costumes comes directly from the Holy Grail War, the Fifth to be precise. Chika gets the armor-clad dress of the great king Altria Pendragon, which even comes with a matching scabbard for her Sunshine Sword. You gets a cool red trench coat to go with her black inner garb, although the crossbow remains her weapon. Riko wears a black shroud over her, an imitation of the crafty witch Medea of Colchis.

And if you think this looks like downright cosplay, it is. Beggars can’t be choosers, though.

**\---TRIAL BATTLE 1---**

Aqours Servants vs. 30 Hellhounds

Don’t expect Chika to start yelling “EXCALIBURRRRRR!!!” anytime soon. Getting the armor to stay put is itself a chore, even more when facing the hellish pack. The extra weight of the plating alone makes swinging the blade a Herculean task. “Ugh! Come on! Hit something!”

“Hang in there, Chika-chan. I’m coming.” True to her cosplay character’s fashion, You draws out her pair of swords. Strangely, she doesn’t run to her friend’s aid, as if stopped by a stark realization. “Oh wait. I don’t know how to use swords. Ha, ha…”

“You-chan!”

The Rangers found themselves in a losing battle. All hope rests on the crafty witch, who has yet to do something other than cackle in the background. “I shall lend you my power when the time is right,” her cryptic tone is less reminiscent of Medea and more on Yohane. “For I have a grand plan in sight!” And yet, she’s the first to be overwhelmed by the hounds.

Yeah. They’re screwed.

**\---TRIAL BATTLE LOST---**

Back to the drawing board.

The second batch of Super Sentai-inspired costumes may just work, given that the story also draws inspiration from the franchise. The elastic spandex fulfills the need for mobility, with a helmet to protect their head. Color codes remain the same except for Chika who has to, in the spirit of the Super Sentai, wear red.

“But I don’t want red! I want MIKAN!” Chika, wearing the suit, flails her arms in frustration.

“Chika-chan, calm down,” You, in blue, urges self-control. “I couldn’t find an Orange Ranger anywhere. Besides, the leader should wear red.”

“MIIIKAAAN! MIIIKAAAN!”

“Chika-chan…”

On the other hand, Riko faces a more pressing problem. And it’s annoying her to no end. “What gives? There’s an itch here that I can’t scratch.” Removing the gloves is out of the question, sown directly to the suit. “How do the characters even do their thing in these outfits?”

Good question. They _transform_ into their outfits, not wear them. The better question is how the girls in spandex will fare against:

**\---TRIAL BATTLE 2---**

Aqours Sentai vs. 1 armored grunt

Pit them against a pack of hounds, sure. But against a giant with plating that puts even the Hulkbuster to shame? Surprisingly, they’re able to hold their own, due in no small part of spandex’s flexibility. The costume even does calling out their attacks justice, as it’s always the case in Super Sentai titles. They’re even able to combine their powers for their coup de grace, which totally won’t be used in the final battle against Yohane. No, siree.

“Aqours Ultimate Assault! Shining Heart!”

The grunt goes down in a tremendous explosion, the perfect backdrop for the Rangers and their cool sentai poses. “Awesome! We really feel like superheroes!” You giggled.

“Really?” Riko squirms at the mercy of her annoying itch, which only got worse following the battle. “Do superheroes have to bear such itches?”

A growing silhouette suddenly catches Chika’s attention, almost freaking her out. “Um…on that note, do superheroes have to deal with THAT?!” Her friends turn around and wear the same terrified look at the sight of the grunt back in the fight—and fifty feet taller.

“Not to worry, girls,” Chika steels her resolve. “We defeated it once. We’ll defeat it again.” Not minding the fact that said enemy is now taller than Tokyo Tower. But don’t let that stop her from summoning the Rangers’ secret weapon. “Go! Aqourzord!”

All that she manages to summon is tumbleweed.

“Chika-chan,” You chuckled nervously. “We…don’t exactly have a giant robot.”

“What? But we’re Super Sentai! You gotta have your giant robot.”

Someone forgot to tell her that the budget for this story is already stretched with all the CG that goes into their transformations. Heck, the CG guys are practically living on canned food. But hey, they’re kind enough to animate the monster to step on the puny Rangers.

At least that took care of Riko’s pesky itch.

**\---TRIAL BATTLE LOST---**

Back to the drawing board again. But third time’s the charm.

This time, they decide to take a page from the fallen angel’s handbook. They already have the costumes in stock, although some alterations need to be done. Et voila: Aqours Little Demon Rangers are a go.

**\---TRIAL BATTLE 3---**

Aqours Little Demons vs. Yohane

“What…are you supposed to be?” Yohane replies with a twitching eye, clearly freaked out by the awkwardness before her. And who can blame her when her sworn enemy is trying to pledge allegiance to the legion?

“We are the scourge of humanity! We are… _Aqours Little Demons!_ ” the chosen ones cry from the top of their lungs.

“Hold everything!” Riko yelled. “What _scourge_?! We’re supposed to _save_ humanity!”

“But we’re little demons,” Chika replied. “It would be awkward if we sided with humanity.”

“That’s not my point. What kind of heroes would suddenly turn to the dark side, huh?” To which, pop culture comes up with too many nifty examples to list down.

“Then, how about a group of little demons who defected from Yohane’s legion?”

“That doesn’t make it any less awkward.”

“Does it matter? This adventure’s one heck of a ride as it is.”

Judging by the vein sticking out of her head like a sore thumb, Yohane doesn’t take to piss-poor portrayals lightly. The random chatter among the so-called “little demons” adds fuel to the fire. But she remains calm, even giving them a forced smile…before engulfing them in a devastating blast attack.

**\---TRIAL BATTLE FAILED---**

“I probably should tell you girls something,” the creature appears before three down-for-the-count Rangers. “Since you don’t transform in a partial discharge, you don’t get the protection of the dress. So, yeah, your little adventure was doomed from the beginning.”

By this time, the girls couldn’t care less as they murmur baloney in reply. Guess it’s back to the miniskirts for them.


	17. Grounded Datenshi [We Paid Half the Budget for a Special Guest to Appear]

Yoshiko has had a very bad day. So what else is new?

Let’s get the usual stuff out of the way quickly. She trips over nothing and falls into the ocean (again). It rains by the time she gets out of the water (again). An eagle gracefully swoops in and steals her sandwich (again). She misses the last bus, forcing her to walk (again). A runaway dog mistakes her for a fire hydrant (again). She wins tissues at a lottery (again, though she kinda needs it). And she gets hit by lightning (again). Twice (again).

The only fortunate takeaway in all this is that she survives the lightning strike. Again.

For someone whose kanji means “good child,” she takes in more bad luck than the average school idol. She’s grown to love the fact, just not the fact that it happens when she doesn’t want it to. Case in point: that moment when she’s welcomed home with a furious look from her mother. No need for a popping vein here. She’s already pissed.

She holds out a piece of paper riddled with more check marks than the world SAT record. But if you know how Japanese quizzes work, you already have an idea the reason behind Yohamom’s displeasure. “I found this on your drawer,” she growls. “Care to explain?”

The fact that Yoshiko scored a 13 on Japanese history doesn’t help things. “Craaaaaap…” she looks away from the awkward truth.

“I think this whole ‘fallen angel’ thing is getting in your head _too much_ ,” her mother rambles on. “I think you need a break.”

 “No, it doesn’t. I just _suck_ at Japanese history,” says the Japanese who _should_ know about Japanese history.

“Get it together, Yoshiko. You’re in high school now. This is no time to be acting so childish.”

“Fallen angels aren’t childish!”

“Doesn’t seem to be the case from over here.”

In desperation, Yoshiko commits the mistake of resorting to her fallen angel side. “Silence, foolish mortal! I, Yohane, shall not stand for dissent.”

 _Now_ is a good time for Yohamom to show that popping vein. “Foolish, am I?”

“Urk…”

“Well, I’m gonna have to clip your wings…because you are officially GROUNDED!”

Enter dramatic wind blowing out of the house (despite all windows closed). “NO WAY!”

Yes way. The perks are already in play, including a curfew after 7:00 p.m., lights out by 9:00 p.m., suspension of livestream privileges, and a cut on daily allowance (just enough to get to school and back home). School idol practice will probably have to take a backseat, too, at least until she passes her upcoming midterms. Not even the chaotic forces of her overlords can find a way around this.

But hey, don’t let a mortal’s terms for discipline stop Yoshiko from transforming into Yohane. She can just fly away and stay somewhere where she can’t be bothered. “Well, here’s what I think,” she turns around and takes off.

Before she even gets past the doorway, a loud snap suddenly takes away her wings and costume. She finds herself back on her plain clothes and seconds from falling face first, which she did.

“That’s quite enough, Lady Yohane,” said the calm voice of a butler.

 The response is anything but calm. “That voice! Sebastian?!”

“At your service, milady,” the butler totally not ripped off from another anime series bows down in respect. “I’ve come at the behest of your mother to enforce her will.”

“ _Her_ behest?” Yoshiko walks up close to Sebastian’s flawless face. “You’re supposed to be _my_ servant. You made a contract with _me._ ”

Not with an old scroll branded as expired since last month, as Sebastian furnished. Thus marks the day Yoshiko despises expiration dates, not just on three-day-old melon bread but also thousand-year-old contracts.

Cue facepalm. “Ugh…have I been gone _that_ long?”

“You really should visit home once in a while, milady,” Sebastian urges. “The manor tends to lose its luster without its lovely mistress.”

“Cut the flattery, Sebastian. You’re not even supposed to be here. Who summoned you?”

“Nobody, milady. Your expired contract has forced me to seek you.”

“And the good news just keeps on coming,” Yoshiko rolls her eyes, especially to the red mark on her mother’s neck. “And let me guess. You took a bite out of Mom to seal the deal.”

“I see your intuition hasn’t waned, milady. Impressive as always.”

And as would super glue to dark matter, the Underworld’s most charismatic servant sold his dark soul for a mortal who would barely live over a hundred. Where the remaining 900 would go is a story for another time. For now, the fallen angel has to serve her sentence at the butler’s guidance.

**~O~**

So Yoshiko did what any grounded datenshi would do. Ask her nemeses to break her out at the dead of night and keep her hidden until the whole thing blows over. Over lunch, Chika, You, and Riko put their heads together to come up with a decision.

“You all still owe me for that perverted demon. And I’m calling it in,” Yoshiko said.

“It’s not that we don’t want to help you,” Riko makes a valid point on the Rangers’ behalf. “But this is your mom we’re talking about. What would she think of _your_ friends willing to go along with _your_ shenanigans?” And if that’s the case, Yoshiko’s only setting herself up to shoot herself in the foot.

“Long story short, we don’t want to get in trouble, too,” You added.

Not even calling in favors can help the fallen angel out of her helplessness, let alone her desperation. “F-Fine! I’ll just brainwash you all,” but she cuts short, realizing how that turned out in a prior incident. “Ugh. I hate myself.”

But whereas Riko and You agree on something, their leader has other plans. “Let’s do it!”

“WHAT?!” exclaimed the rest of the girls.

“I’ve always wanted to feel what it’s like playing hooky,” Chika added. “I mean, I’ve gotten in trouble dozens of times, but the thought of escape never did cross my mind.”

Her friends take turns tugging her close, starting with Riko. “Chika-chan, do you have any idea what you’re saying?” Yes, with a smile.

Then, You’s turn. “If we try something stupid like this, Yoshiko-chan may never be allowed to go out again.”

Back to Riko. “I can tell you that playing hooky is NEVER a fun feeling.”

And back to You. “Riko-chan’s right…er, wait, Riko-chan?”

Back to Riko. “It was my first time seeing a piano sheet. I thought it was a coloring book.”

And back to You. “What did you even color there?”

And back to the matter at hand. Whatever happened with that ultra-rare sheet music of Beethoven’s unsung piece will remain a problem for some other story. An eerie sense of confidence wells up inside Chika despite being made fully-aware of the consequences of pulling such mischief. But hey, anything’s justified as long as you do it for friendship.

“Yoshiko-chan’s our friend,” Chika said. “And friends look out for each other. Besides, how hard can it be?”

**~O~**

“Okay,” a lone Chika faces the malevolent darkness, regretting her poor life choices. Her fellow Rangers are down for the count in the first minute of the melee. “It’s harder than it looks. _Really_ harder.”

“I applaud you for lasting this long,” the unscathed Sebastian assumes an offensive stance with his rapier. “But you are _ages_ away from even matching Lady Yohane, let alone _me_.”

“Nonsense! With the power of friendship, we—”

A single, unseen strike gives the power of friendship the finger. The butler from hell, who also acts as a master’s sword and shield, puts down the last Ranger. The battle is over in a record time of two minutes. Every trick in the Ranger playbook barely sowed fear into the butler’s dark heart. What the hell kind of a power is friendship, anyway?

“Lady Yohane,” Sebastian turns to his mistress, who twitches in reply. “Did you honestly think that a couple of upstarts would be a match for me?”

The fallen angel is unable to look at him in the eye. “O-Of course not! It’s all part of my plan to destroy the Rangers once and for all.”

“Is that a fact? I do not recall being dragged into your conflict.”

“Come on! You’re supposed to be on _my_ side. We can rule this world together.”

“World domination is NOT part of a butler’s obligations, milady. You should know that.”

And he’s not wrong there.  Butlers, be they mortal or not, are limited to the personal needs of their masters in the household. In Sebastian’s case, he’s more than capable of holding his own in a fight but only to protect his mistress. Slaying his mistress’s foes and subjugating a population, while possible with his scouter-breaking power level, is beyond the bounds.

Bound by his honor as a butler, Sebastian tends to the fallen Rangers. “Now, let us help your guests up and about.”

“Sebastian…” replied a stunned Yohane.

“They _are_ still our guests. They deserve our hospitality.”

Sebastian’s honor surprises the girls who have no choice but to accept it (unless they fancy another round of hurt). Even more surprising is the absence of visible wounds, albeit the pain is real. A stark realization sets in almost immediately: the one-sided battle is only a fraction of the butler’s power. They had no idea how hard it was for him to hold back…just because they were Yohane’s friends after every battle.

“Sebastian,” Yohane spoke with a serious tone. “It’s about time you told me the _real_ reason you came here.”

Sebastian smiled her way. “All in due time, milady. All in due time.”

_Sebastian will return in “Shine! Aqours Rangers!” Season 2. Yes, we've already ordered another 12 chapters._


	18. Curiosity Nearly Kills the Mikan [Finally, a Hot Springs Episode, First Half]

“We have a winner! A hot springs package for nine at Hakone!”

The lottery man’s bell tolls for a certain fallen angel who beholds the prize turned over to her. An ordinary errand to buy tonight’s dinner has taken a turn for the better thanks to a blessing of unbelievable luck from the gods. Maybe they finally see that the angel they’ve long casted out from heaven doesn’t deserve all the misfortune of the world. Whether or not that’s the case, Yoshiko’s too stunned to give any impromptu remark.

And how convenient is it that the grand prize is tailored to suit her and her eight school idol friends? Maybe not as convenient as µ’s having a clear path to victory at Love Live once their rivals were out of the running, but who’s to complain? Any anime story, fan fiction or official, demands a scene at the hot springs. And that’s what the Rangers, their nemesis, and their friends are getting.

Fast forward to the big day, a time when everyone just happens to be free. Casual clothes give way to white towels, as excited chatter fills the bath area. Yoshiko’s the most excited, seeing that she won the tickets for the group. In typical Yohane fashion, she enters the bath, only for Riko to pull her back. “Hey! What’s the big idea?” cried Yoshiko.

“Mind the sign,” Riko points to a notice by the doorway. _Please take off any jewelry before entering the bath area. Management will not be responsible for any skirmish between light and darkness that might arise._

An odd detail to include in a simple notice but one to be taken seriously. The Ranger stones and the fallen angel’s brooch have to stay, to Yoshiko’s protest. “Why do _I_ have to take off my brooch? It’s a part of me.”

“We all agreed that we won’t try any funny business while in Hakone, right?” Riko replied. “We’re taking off our stones. Now _you_ hold your end of the bargain.”

“I’m not about to take the word of an agreement _not_ written on paper.”

“Just take it off, Yocchan. For everyone’s sake.”

Between ulterior motives and a good time at the _onsen_ , Yoshiko finally relents to the latter. The enjoyment resumes as soon as she leaves her brooch along with her stuff in the basket. See, that wasn’t so hard.

“Hold up,” Kanan said. “Aren’t we gonna wait for Chika?”

“She said she was gonna make a quick phone call,” You answered. “She’ll be along.”

No use sweating the small stuff. Get in the bath before it gets cold. Don’t ask if it’s possible.

Thus begins a night of peace and merriment, a welcome break from the battles between good and evil. While it’ll only last until they return to Numazu, it only makes them cherish the limited time. Besides, it helps them remind that they’re all still friends at the end of the day. Not your typical good-versus-evil fair, but the girls won’t have it any other way.

Meanwhile, Chika hurries to the dressing room where the sound of merriment urges her to pick up the pace. Minding the sign, she removes her stone and rushes toward the bath. But curiosity chooses the worst time to draw her interest toward Yoshiko’s brooch of darkness. The brilliant lure of an evil gemstone pulled her as would the red dot from a laser pointer to a cat.

“All of Yohane-chan’s power contained in one brooch,” she said to herself. Curiosity gave way to purpose, a chance to end the conflict by disposing the fallen angel’s source of power. If she can’t destroy it, she can take it as far away from Numazu as possible—away from any unsuspecting person’s reach. She and her friends can return to their ordinary lives, free of wanton destruction.

Chika makes her decision. Missing out on the hot springs is a small price to pay for saving the world. Taking Yoshiko’s brooch, she bolts out of the dressing room and, eventually, the resort. She seeks refuge in the nearby woods, only the temptation of the brooch keeping her company. 

From a safe distance, she looks on at her friends making good memories in the bath. “It’s worth the risk,” she mutters.

Then, a sinister yet familiar tone begs to differ. “Oh, really?”

Chika turns around, surprised to realize Yohane standing before her. “Y-Yoshiko-chan?! Er, I mean, Yohane-chan?”

The fallen angel in Yoshiko’s image cackles. “You think keeping me away from my host will save the world? You really are as naïve as they say, Mikan Ranger.”

“Wait…you mean you’re not Yoshiko-chan?”

“We’ve always been two separate entities. I just need a place to crash while in your world.”

Chika’s grip on the brooch tightens as she backs away from the fallen angel. “Well…you won’t be able to harm anyone as long as this brooch isn’t worn. Your reign of terror ends.”

“And I take it that you Rangers are any different?”

“What?”

“It seems that your furry friend didn’t tell the whole story. Let me _enlighten_ you, then.”

Around them, their surroundings swirled close to the speed of light. Trees enveloped in the darkness of the night give way to a wasteland clouded by an imminent deluge. Swords and armor left by their fallen wielders rust away in the wake of thousands of battles of greater loss than gain. And in between them, two fresh armies—one of light, one of darkness—amass to litter the wasteland once more.

A catatonic Chika witnesses the endless conflict unfold. The two armies sound their horns of war and throw their warriors into the fray. But as ethereal spectators, the girls cannot be harmed.

_Tell me, Ranger Mikan. What does it mean to be good or evil? Does wielding the power of the heavens justify the lawfulness of your good? Does harnessing the power of the Underworld make you a servant of darkness? Your definition of good and evil…is only as good as where you stand in all this._

“Why are you telling me this?” Chika replied.

“You want this conflict to end, do you? I’m just filling in the blanks,” Yohane said.

“And your little exposition is supposed to help _how_?”

With a snap of the fallen angel’s fingers, the battle fast-forwards to the victor’s enjoyment of the spoils. At this point, would it matter if an angel or demon held his sworn enemy at the razor’s edge of his blade? One way or another, the result of the battle stands: the total annihilation of the defeated.

_A conflict of this nature can only end without survivors. Otherwise, they’ll rise up and continue to wage war. If you insist on the lawfulness of your good, then only my death by your hands can end all this._

“Fine!” Chika cried. “I’ll destroy this brooch, then.”

“Then you’ll be no different from the ‘demons’ seeking the end of your pitiful race.”

“Well, what do you want me to do? Tell me!”

Surprisingly, Yohane offers Chika’s magic stone pulsating with power. “Make a choice.”

Accept the stone and end the fallen angel’s life, or keep running away from the inevitable. A difficult decision lies ahead for the leader of the Rangers. The weight of the world burdens her shoulders, so does the burden of the divine.

Finally, to Yohane’s delight, Chika decides. In a frenzied scream to end it all, she drives the tip of her holy blade against the brooch that has brought much suffering. The first of several cracks manifest on the gemstone before shattering into large pieces. Her proverbial heart destroyed, the fallen angel fades into the darkness cackling. “I had fun, Rangers. Let’s do this again in the afterlife.”

Back in the hot springs, Yoshiko gets out of the bath. Then, in front of her friends, she stops and collapses…one last time.


	19. Curiosity Nearly Kills the Mikan [Finally, a Hot Springs Episode, Second Half]

*****Season 1 Finale*****

No breath. No pulse. And cold to the touch.

All three signs point to a lifeless Yoshiko, yet her friends encircling her continue to cling on to dying hope. Constant nudges and cries of her human and mortal names remain unanswered. Unable to bear the reality before her, Ruby cries in her older sister’s bosom. To her knees, a frantic Hanamaru insists on Yoshiko being plumb tuckered out. You and Riko, despite their secret struggles to own the fallen angel’s heart, comfort each other and share tears. Kanan and Mari mourn in silence for the most part. They have lost a dear friend…and they have no idea why.

Chika joins the mourning, Ruby springing toward her in sheer sadness. The sensation, however, is numb compared to the realization of the product of a shattered brooch, which attracts attention. Is this what Yohane meant by her ominous farewell? The fallen angel and her mortal host, distinct from one another, tied to the brooch down to their existence? It didn’t take long before the sight of the brooch put the last pieces in this jigsaw.

“Chika-chan…don’t tell me…” said a horrified Riko.

“Did you…kill…Yoshiko-chan?” added an equally-horrified You.

Chika pops open her mouth, but hardly any words come out.  Even if she were to fully reel back from the shock, it wouldn’t bring back everybody’s beloved fallen angel. “It…it was the only way…”

“Did you know about this from the beginning?” Dia glares the mikan’s way. “Did you take it upon yourself to put an end to all this without thinking of the consequences?” If there were still words Chika could still use a while ago, they were all gone now.

And all the while, resent begins to build up among the girls. Perhaps the only thing keeping it from exploding is the mantle of responsibility Chika agrees to carry as Aqours Mikan.

It falls to Mari, the self-proclaimed arbiter of this strange conflict, to explain the inconvenient truth. “This is what the Rangers have been fighting for, right? To triumph over the darkness? To preserve humanity? What’s the point if—”

“Mari, you’re not helping,” Kanan replied.

“What? _Someone_ has to remind them why we’re doing all this, no matter how painful.”

“This isn’t something the rest of us will understand. Give them a break.”

“But—”

“Just shut up, Mari!”

The scenario threatens to degrade into infighting, with those who only want to mourn for a grave loss at risk of getting caught in the middle. Chika is clearly to blame for this, but the girls lack the stomach to banish her from their circle of friendship. Silence as dead as Yoshiko’s deathbed fills the room.

Is this how their strange story is going to end? Then it won’t do the season finale enough justice.

 _I had fun, Rangers. Let’s do this again in the afterlife._ Yohane’s last words echo inside Chika’s head.  Perhaps a clue lies between the words. “The afterlife,” Chika uttered.

“What is it, Chika-chan?” Riko said.

“Yohane mentioned something about doing this again in the afterlife. You don’t think…”

“…that she didn’t die? She only went home?”

“The Underworld is considered the afterlife, right?”

“That’s…one way to put it. But are you suggesting that we…?”

Chika nods. “We bring her back.”

Not only was the plan absurd but also suicidal. The creature had to come out of its slumber just to remind her how reckless it was. “Do you realize what you’re saying?” Chika nods, to the creature’s frustration. “You girls won’t even get as close as the gates of hell. The war’s over. Savor the victory.”

“It’s not over,” retorted Chika. “It never ended to begin with. Otherwise, there wouldn’t have been a need for generations of Rangers. Hell will find a new villain. Heaven will look for new heroes.  We just want our Yohane back.”

“The life of one shouldn’t be worth three. Don’t throw your lives away just because you did what you have to do for humanity.”

“That one life is worth eight of ours and _hundreds_ more waiting back home. We have to do this.”

The creature speaks no more of the matter after seeing You and Riko standing by Chika’s side. The rest of the girls, equally inspired, make their common stand known through their determined eyes. They await the creature’s stand, whether or not it stands with them.

“You’ll only have one shot at this,” the creature finally concurred. “I’ll be able to open a portal right where you need to be. But at my weakened state, I can only maintain it for five minutes. If you’re not back by that time…”

“It’s all we need,” You replied on the Rangers’ behalf.

“Don’t take this lightly. You’ll be trapped on the other side forever if that portal closes. And the spawns of darkness show no mercy for incursions.”

“Like I said, it’s all we need.”

The time for reconsiderations is over. As a beam of light tears open a rift into the darkness beyond, Chika, You, and Riko gear up for what might be their last battle. “Shine! Aqours Ranger!”

**~O~**

**\---VICTORY CONDITIONS---**

Yohane yields

**\---DEFEAT CONDITIONS---**

Aqours Rangers defeated

The fallen angel isn’t about to yield to pleas to save her mortal host without a fight. Fortunately, this is to be expected as the Rangers cross the unknown into the dark manor. Malevolent auras swirl all over the horizon with the looming threat of the realm’s denizens storming in. Stepping foot into the manor, Chika leads the valiant charge.

“Seriously,” Yohane chuckles behind a protective barrier. “Can you at least let me make a sandwich in peace? Fallen angels get hungry, too, you know.”

Chika forces her blade through the barrier to no avail. “Yohane-chan, come back to us. Yoshiko-chan needs you. _We_ need you.”

“The conflict has already been settled. Why do you suddenly want it back?”

“We’re not asking for that. We just want our friend back.”

“Then vindicate your struggle. Defeat me.”

Soon, Starlight Missile and Arc Lightning approach the fallen angel from the flanks. With a stubborn Chika still trying to break through, Yohane moves her opponent along with the barrier. The Ranger takes the brunt of the blows instead, her agony filling the battlefield.

Soon, Chika is discarded to the side like a worn-out glove, to her allies’ shock. But after a while, she gets back up and charges toward another futile melee. No time for rest when the countdown ticks to the Rangers’ doom, when three minutes into the battle have yet to harm the fallen angel. No time to think when they only have one chance to succeed. They give it their all—Daybreak Flare, Starlight Missile, Arc Lighting, and everything else in between—but so does Yohane.

“Yocchan, please!” Riko pleads, struggling to hold her opponent in magic chains. “It’s not just the same without you! Please come back!”

“You all are as selfish as the rest of humanity,” Yohane breaks the chains with sheer force of will alone. “You risk reigniting the conflict in your world just to save one measly soul.”

“So what if we do? We’ll keep fighting if we have to.”

“And put your brethren in jeopardy?”

“We fight to protect the ones we hold dear. That won’t change anytime soon.”

“Then why bother bringing me back?” The hypocrisy only serves to fuel Yohane’s wrath, unleashing a flurry of dark energies against the Rangers’ magic user. The attack greatly weakens Riko, but she holds fast for the sake of friendship.

One minute remains. The Rangers are at the end of their ropes, while their opponent has plenty of energy to spare. The growing odds against the former, however, only intensify the melee. It falls on You to succeed where her friends have failed. But her arrows barely break through the barrier, with a few making it halfway through.

Then, You yelled: “Now! Scatterbolt!”

The seemingly-dud arrows explode inside the barrier. Fragments zip around and wound the fallen angel in several places. The barrier breaks with her focus, a split-second opening for the two other Rangers to attack.

At first glance, it seems that the tables have turned. But the power of the fallen angel could not be undone. Retaliation becomes swift in the form of a mighty energy blast. Half of the manor goes up in smoke as debris partly buries the half-dead Rangers.

The tide of battle is unlikely to change within the last minute.

**~O~**

A victorious Yohane walks up to Chika and lifts her up from the rubble, apparently ready to finish her off. One burst of pure darkness from her free hand at point blank should be enough. Helpless under their own debris, You and Riko look away from the sight of another grave loss. It seems that the story of the Rangers will end on a morbid note.

Just the opposite, in fact, as Yohane puts Chika down and keeps her steady. Out of Chika’s pocket, she grabs the once-broken brooch restored to its former glory. “Good as new, right?”

“What?” Chika responded in disbelief. “But how…?”

“Brooches like this are easy to repair. Just bombard the darn thing with enough dark energy and it’ll take care of itself.”

“What? So the battle…”

“Don’t get me wrong. I still have unfinished business on Earth. That’s why I fixed it.”

“And Yoshiko-chan?”

“Never dead to begin with.” On the other side, the girls jump in joy and hug a shocked Yoshiko even before she gets out of bed. Such is the beauty of having two souls, one of the fallen angel’s and one of Yoshiko’s own. It just takes a long while for the soul in reserve to kick in.

“Well…that was awkward.”

Whether or not the struggle has been for nothing, the Rangers take pride in an eerie calm over their heads. They don’t even give a dime if the ending has been anything but climactic. It begs a question, though. Why go through all that trouble?

“Let’s just say you’re an interesting bunch,” Yohane then points to the shrinking rift back to Earth. “Now, go. I’ll see you on the other side.”

Hesitation takes a backseat as the Rangers enter the rift to return to a heroes’ welcome in Hakone. The rift closes just in time.

Yohane looks up at the dark sky. “Good and evil, huh?”

And so, the long and costly process of repairing the manor begins. It starts by a glint that catches Yohane’s attention—a glint that belongs to the repaired brooch. And that’s…kinda a bad thing.

“YOU IDIOTS! I CAN’T GET TO EARTH WITH THE BROOCH HERE!!”


	20. Nesoberi Novelties [The Second Season is Looking Fluffier]

**THE STRUGGLE SO FAR…**

_Not long ago, Chika Takami, You Watanabe, and Riko Sakurauchi were three ordinary high school girls chasing their dreams (while being chased by life’s struggles). An encounter with a creature of heaven had forced them to accept a new responsibility: defending humanity from the scourge of the fallen angel Yohane and her spawns. Blessed by the power of the heavens, they transform into Earth’s mightiest heroes: the Aqours Rangers._

_The Rangers soon had their baptism of fire, engaging the vanguard of Yohane’s endless army. Peace still reigns in Numazu, but fiercer battles await our heroes as the bulk of the spawns of darkness arrive piece by piece. All hope of winning battles in the future rests on the Rangers changing the way they fight._

**\---AQOURS RANGERS---**

WIN: 4 - LOSS: 5 - DRAW: 1 

**\---YOHANE’S DEMONIC LEGION---**

WIN: 5 - LOSS: 4 - DRAW: 1

 

_And sometimes, the best way to fight is NOT to fight at all._

* * *

 

“Where…where am I?” Chika wakes up to the sight of a fully-furnished living room. Surely it’s not the Takami living room, as she doesn’t remember having a white lounge with first-class furniture, lava lamps, and a home entertainment system. And on that note, everything seems to be supersized for giants to use.

First things first: she has to find her friends. “You-chan? Riko-chan?”

Two replies instantly come in between her. “Chika-chan!”

“Ah! Thank goodness you’re okay,” Chika struggles to lean her head toward them, to no avail. “Hey! Why can’t I move?”

“Me too,” Riko replied.

“Me three,” You replied, as well. “It’s as if my body’s stuck inside a suit or something.”

And You’s not imagining things. They’re literally stuck in fluffy renditions of themselves, forever destined to lay flat on any reasonable surface and never to stand up on their own. Whoever owned one of these, let alone four, probably isn’t the chosen one but is probably living off of instant ramen for the time being.

Then, they hear the familiar cackle of their archenemy. Seeing her is out of the question, but the volume indicates that she’s also beside them. “Today, I shall exact my vengeance on the Rangers! Prepare yourself!”

“Never!” declared Chika. “I’ll fall off this sofa before I let you have your way!”

“Resistance is futile, foolish mortal. All shall bow down before the fallen angel Yohane.”

“Not on our watch, Yoshiko-chan! We’ll stop you!”

“Don’t call me Yoshiko!”

“Then fight me!”

“Gladly!”

As another heated skirmish unfolds, Riko calls for cooler heads. “Guys, it’s all good. But how do we exactly settle a battle like this?”

Heck, how do static plushies like _nesoberi_ even fight? They’re just…there, sitting pretty for someone to hug to death or turn into a headrest. The next several minutes—if not hours—will probably feature the _nesoberi_ doing nothing on the sofa other than exchanging tirades and threats.

“I know,” cried Chika. “The first to fall off the couch wins!”

“Don’t you mean the first to fall off _loses_?” replied Riko.

“Where’s the fun in that? We’ll race to see who falls off first.”

“Unless an earthquake happens, no one’s gonna fall off any—”

Earth used Magnitude 8.0. Everything in the living room gets tossed around like a salad. But as the tremor subsides, everything BUT the _nesoberi_ moves all over the place.

“—second,” Riko continued.

“Whoa. That was a big one,” Chika said.

“Is everyone all right?” You called. The collective ayes that follow calm her nerves. “I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t want to be here when the aftershocks hit.” Not that the girls—being static mounds of fluff and filler—can do anything about it, even if they have a clue how they ended up being one.

**~O~**

Unless something or someone influences their movements, this peculiar conflict and this even more peculiar story isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Why someone with Microsoft Word and half-a-brain would put the girls in such a situation was beyond the grasp of the wisest of the human race. Maybe he simply needed a situation that justified turning them into ¥2,000 plushies. Maybe he simply _wanted_ to turn them into ¥2,000 plushies. Maybe he _just_ wanted ¥2,000 plushies.

All the talk about defeating one another when they, as _nesoberi_ , can’t has taken its toll on the girls. The dialogue gradually shifts from the conflict to a critique of the living room, which they don’t recognize as belonging to their homes. “I love the couch,” Yohane said. “It’s soft and bouncy.” The girls murmur in concurrence.

“I wonder whose home is this,” Riko said.

“Maybe Mari-san’s?” Chika replied.

“No way,” Yohane replied. “Her living room may as well be covered in gold.”

“I’d love a gold-plated living room,” Chika joked. One second later, everything becomes too shiny for Mari’s tastes. “Err…I meant that as a joke.”

You pays the price of the shimmering splendor. “Ah! My eyes! I can’t close them shut!” Not that the girls can do anything about it. Inside their fluffy shells, their souls squirm at the brilliant torture.

“Could be worse,” Riko sighed, readily accepting permanent blindness as her fate. “At least there’s no dog around here.” And the _Jaws_ theme plays, except swap the shark’s fin with a dog’s tail. “Me and my big mouth.”

The girls watch helplessly as the dog—a friendly retriever (but still scary to Riko)—looks up to the _nesoberi._ A bit of sniffing here and there and it turns around…and raises its hind leg. Dog owner and non-dog owner alike know what comes next.

Piss. Lots of it. And Riko’s on the receiving end.

The fallen angel breaks out in laughter. “Serves you right, foolish mortal!”

“Yoshiko-chan,” You replied. “That’s not very nice.”

“Silence! And don’t call me Yoshiko!” Fortunately, karma’s a bitch. Soon, the retriever’s snout rubs around Yohane. “H-Hey! Cut that out!” The dog doesn’t and drops a smelly bombshell on her head. The Rangers tried holding their amusement, but the scene begged to be laughed at by a live studio audience.

But it’s not done yet. Soon, it takes Chika by the mouth and hurries off elsewhere. “Waaaah! Someone help me!”

“Chika-chan!” exclaimed You and Riko. But helpless as immobile mounds of fluff, they can only hear their friend detail the dog’s plans for her.

“Aaaaah! He’s shaking me! Stop it! Stop it! Wait, he’s digging…oh no, is that Kanan-chan’s skull? Is she _dead_? Why is she even here? And dead? No, he’s burying me alive! Aaaaahh! Someone help me!”

At this point, everyone has had enough of this strange situation, especially You. “Argh! I wish everything was back the way they were!”

Her wish is granted faster than the girls can shout the show’s title halfway through every episode. From their fluffy prison, the fallen angel and her sworn enemies regain flesh and bone, free to move again. The living room setting is swapped out in favor of the grounds in front of the train station.

And in front of them lay the culprit: one of Yohane’s lieutenants bound to a brass oil lamp. They’re at the mercy of a dark genie this entire time. “Had fun, ladies?”

They certainly didn’t. And they made it quite clear through their preparations to unleash their most powerful attacks. “Waitwaitwaitwait!” the genie panicked in the face of certain annihilation.

“Give me one good reason not to blow you to kingdom come,” replied a furious Yohane.

“I-I just responded to someone’s wish. I always do.”

“What wish? I specifically wished for the Rangers to be out of my way! Instead, you turned all of us into limited-edition plushies!”

“Funny you should mention that…since someone already wished for the latter earlier.”

“Who?!”

All eyes turn toward the fourth wall. They’re looking at me funny.


	21. TRAILER 1

> **YOSHIKO:** I don’t know what’s good and bad anymore.

_Sunshine STARS Project proudly presents…_

> **SARAH:** Fallen angel Yohane, you have failed us for the _last_ time.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** Please, give me another chance. I can and _will_ defeat the Rangers!
> 
> **LEAH:** Sorry, time’s up. Time to suffer like _all_ the failures before you.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** Wait—KYAAAAAAAAAH!!!
> 
> **CHIKA, YOU, and RIKO:** [simultaneously] Yoshiko-chan!
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** It’s…Yo…hane…

_The true darkness manifests, and the great battle to usher the end._

> **YOSHIKO:** Chika…You…Riri…where…did you…go…?

_The known world and its denizens stand on the precipice of disaster._

> **MARI:** Everything up to now has been a ruse. And they took the bait.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** A ruse? For what?
> 
> **MARI:** [slides a stone forward] For this.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** This power…another Ranger stone?
> 
> **MARI:** Exactly. Do you accept this power, _former_ fallen angel Yohane?

_To save all that is true, one must learn to turn darkness…into hallowed light._

> **YOSHIKO:** _Soar, Aqours White!_

 

_The conclusion to the “Shine! Aqours Rangers!” saga…_

**~OPERATION: ANGEL’S HONOR~**

**The great battle begins. Fall 2018.**


	22. Cost-Cutting Conundrum [Almost the Whole Budget Went to the Movie]

The Demonic Legion strikes once more, this time holding the few guests of the local _ryokan_ hostage. Between the Rangers and the innocent lives trapped within its feeble walls, a formidable spawn of darkness stands ready for battle. Hands and arms are traded for a plethora of machine guns: multi-barreled, water-cooled, air-cooled, belt-fed, and magazine-fed. And if that’s not enough, there’s also the pair of chain guns around its belt. And if that’s _still_ not enough, there’s also that huge 37mm gun that can turn a person into unrecognizable tidbits.

 This Monster of the Week packs so many guns that it’s easy to stop and think just how much firing everything for twelve seconds will cost.  The only thing keeping this abomination from carrying a rocket pod or missile pack is that it’s illegal to own either one. But hey, don’t let arbitrary laws stop a denizen of demonkind from owning a dozen firearms for the sole purpose of turning its enemies into Swiss cheese. And that’s an understatement.

“I swear, Yoshiko-chan’s friends are getting weirder and weirder,” Chika whispered to her fellow Rangers. “Last time we had to fight a zombie nurse with syringes for weapons.” Don’t forget that time when they had to go full fanservice mode just to defeat the pervert in an embarrassing draw. Or that time when they had to fight off hellhounds who saw a papier-mâché bone as the real deal. The list goes on and on.

“I heard that! And it’s Yohane!” the fallen angel balked. “Can you at least give me this? I’ve been playing a lot of FPS games lately, you know.”

A dozen machine guns is a lot for an FPS. Then again, gamers would know a few people who could carry an entire arsenal with them.

“Fine, fine,” Riko sighed and shrugged. “It’s not like we have any other choice.”

“Just remember any gun holes in the _ryokan_ will be on your tab, Yoshiko-chan,” Chika said.

You smirked. “I think we have more important things than gun holes to worry about.” Yeah, like holes in innocent victims of stray fire.

Yohane gets into character, starting with her signature cackle. “Foolish mortals. The fallen angel Yohane answers to _no one_. It shall be your loss if you cannot prevent such a deadly fate. Now, to battle, my pet!”

The protagonists respond in kind. “ _Shine! Aqours Ranger!_ ”

**\---VICTORY CONDITIONS---**

Dakka the Destroyer defeated

 _Ryokan_ and its inhabitants saved

**\---DEFEAT CONDITIONS---**

Aqours Rangers defeated

 _Ryokan_ destroyed

At least one inhabitant killed

Time expired (5:00)

“Whoa,” said a surprised You in response to the battle conditions. “That’s a tall order.”

And it’s about to get taller. The monster doesn’t take too kindly to a harmless fly buzzing past its faceplate. The response is as anyone expects of a monster loaded for bear: _fire everything in anger._ The startled Rangers and fallen angel cover their ears as the deafening roar of all guns blazing cry out in response to putting lead in the air.

Exactly twelve seconds later, no trace of the fly atomized by the barrage. If it was meant to sow fear, into the hearts of everyone within ten miles or so, it worked.

Of course, the fear is short-lived among the Rangers. “Don’t be afraid. A lot of people are counting on us. We can’t let them down,” Chika said. You and Riko heed her words and prepare to attack.

“Go, my little demon! Annihilate them!” Yohane declared.

Deadly Dakka readies another deafening barrage, this time against bigger targets. At the pull of the trigger, all guns suddenly went click. Click, click, click, click, click…not a single round fired. Out of ammo? It still has a battalion’s worth around its body. Jammed guns? Not with clean barrels and the right ammo.

“What are you waiting for? Annihilate them!” Yohane yelled at the monster, who could only shrug and growl at the unknown cause of the mishap. “What do you mean they won’t fire? They were working just fine twelve seconds ago.”

The Rangers are equally dumbfounded, but they seize the moment nonetheless. “The monster can’t attack. Now’s our chance,” Chika led the charge. “Daybreak Flare!”

Then, You. “Starlight Missile!”

Then, Riko. “Holy Spire!”

But like the silent guns, nothing but air came out. “Wah! What happened?” cried Chika.

“My ballista won’t fire,” You said.

“My scepter isn’t working,” Riko said.

And all this coincided with the arrival of…wait, who the heck is _that_?

**~O~**

> _Sorry, sorry. Let me make an important announcement first. I’m the head accountant for the Sunshine STARS Project. Due to the upcoming series finale, Operation: Angel’s Honor, we have to divert funding from the rest of Season 2 of “Shine! Aqours Rangers!” This means all that the studio can afford now are the costumes. Transformation sequences have been skipped entirely, visual effects for your attacks are never drawn, and future skirmishes will require the approval of the Board of Directors._

“EHHH?!?!” yelled everyone, including the narrator.

> _I’m really sorry. It’s my fault for not informing you right before Season 2 started._

Hold on, you bloody pencil pusher. This fan fiction _isn’t_ a part of the Sunshine STARS Project. What gibberish are you spouting?

> _True, but the higher-ups decided to incorporate the upcoming movie into the project. Since it has a proper plot prepared. This has been in the pipeline since the conception stage for the entire story. We apologize for any inconvenience this has caused._

“Oh, so that explains the early trailer release,” You said. Not necessarily helping, though.

“You’ve seen it?” Chika replied. “Yoshiko-chan actually becomes Ranger White. Pretty awesome.”

“Yohane!” cried the fallen angel. “And the hell I will! White isn’t even my color!”

Then take some money out of the other fan fictions, then. Guilty Barrel is waaaaaay overspending on the fight and smut scenes, anyway.

> _We can’t. “Guilty Barrel” is the most acclaimed of the stories. Taking funding from there will result in a drastic drop in quality. And we’ve already put “_ да-tenshi” _on hold just to free up some cash. Also, a few from the staff have also been laid off._

“Remind me again why Yocchan and I are starring in an explicit-rated story,” Riko said, to which the answer is that the fandom demands it.

“And tell me again why I’m Yoshiko-chan’s sadistic, clingy, jealous colleague,” You said with a smug.

> _Please refer your concerns regarding the stories to the Storyboard Department._

That’s MY department, you dolt. So we’re short on cash here? What do you suggest that we do for the rest of Season 2? You know as much as I do that Operation: Angel’s Honor won’t be released until Season 2 is done. Even if you set the deadline for this fall.

> _Like I said, we’re only cutting most of the content from “Shine! Aqours Rangers!” We’re not cutting the story entirely. But please keep in mind these rules should you wish to proceed with the story. We’ll be on the lookout for any updates, so rest assured you can continue your progress without trouble. Oh, and one more thing for Tsushima-san…_

“Yohane!”

> _That monster of yours just burned through ¥44 million by firing all its guns for twelve seconds. So, in a way, it’s mainly responsible for our financial…difficulties. Please put that thing away._
> 
> _Thank you and have a pleasant day._

Nobody can help but give the fallen angel cold glares. All that firepower has to come at a cost, after all. “What? How should I know he’s _that_ expensive?” Yohane said.

Guess it’s a draw, then. Another humdrum draw.

 


	23. Break a Leg [No, Really, Someone Does Break a Leg Here]

While it’s unfortunate that flashy battles between good and evil have to be toned down because of budget (namely a lack thereof), it’s not going to stop the conflict. The gravy train has to keep rolling, even if it has to leave the entire cast and their grandmas behind. Still, it’s difficult for either Yohane or the Rangers to unleash their special attacks without paying the CG guys top dollar (or yen…meh, whatever) for the effort. And it’ll take them a while to pummel each other to submission with just ordinary swings, punches, and kicks.

They get their heads together over lunch, the tense aura surrounding them driving off any friendly greetings from their schoolmates. Their scribbles note the ideas they’ve already gone through, all rejects for unique reasons. The closest they’ve probably gotten is a game of Uno…which everyone knows has the capability to make feuds go nuclear.  

The drama club’s rehearsal draws their attention from the brainstorming for a while. Half of its members hold their props, while the rest recite their lines with enough flaws to make Shakespeare facepalm. Lucky for them, the director calls them out on their flaws, telling them that she won’t be pelted with produce on the big day. Judging by her thin stature, however, she could use a salad.

Suddenly, Eureka clubs Chika in the noggin. Yes, there’s a girl named Eureka with a baseball bat behind her. “That’s it! A play!” cried Chika.

“A play?” asked a dumbfounded Riko.

“Yeah, we can put on a play. It won’t be as pricey as all that CGI and stuff.”

“True…but that’s a lot of work, clothes alone. We can’t transform anymore.”

“Then we’ll ask everyone for help. We can do this if we all work together.”

“That’s…not what I had in mind.”

You, however, welcomes the idea with open arms. She even attaches one more idea to it. “Let’s do it. We can even raise money to help with our budget problem.”

“Ooh! Nice thinking, You-chan!” Chika smiled.

Yoshiko is less than thrilled, so to speak. “So we’re having people pay to read this fanfic now?”

“Come on, Yoshiko-chan,” Chika said. “I know it won’t be easy, but it’ll be fun. You’ll be able to fully manifest your Yohane persona on stage.”

The fallen angel falls for such a benefit hook, line, and sinker. “Heh, heh, heh. Behold, the fallen angel Yohane shall descend upon a mortal stage at her finest hour. Very well, I shall channel my inner thespian to make this theatrical act a—”

Cue smash cut to the play.

“Hey! Let me finish!” Yoshiko cried.

**~O~**

Minutes before the play, the girls go over the detailed checklist of _A Stage Play So Amazing That It’ll Continue the Good-Evil Conflict and Solve Money Problems_. The aims are exactly what they say on the tin: keep the conflict going and earn at least ¥5 million to restore the CGI. The first may be doable, but the second may be stretching it, especially with the ticket price at just ¥100.

Imagine if Mari had asked the second-years to raise enough money on their first live show instead of simply filling the gym with people.

On the bright side, they manage to get everything done on the list. Backdrops, fake weapons, cutout props, costumes (they already have identical ones ready), the script, lighting, sound effects, casting, snacks, venue hosting (they chose the school auditorium), flyers, social media, and the works. Backstage, their school idol friends stand ready with the stage’s levers and pulleys. Around the venue, Yoshimi, Itsuki, and Mutsu stand by with the lights and audio. Outside, schoolmates guide attendees inside the venue after collecting their tickets.

But already, the play hits its first snag. Only half the venue is filled. The girls proceed anyway.

 _“Showdown of good and evil!”_ the narrator channels his inner Tom Kane. _“The fallen angel Yohane continues her rampage across the Land of the Rising Sun, bringing the full might of her little demons to bear. Humanity’s hope rests on a trio of girls, the Aqours Rangers, who set out to meet the demons and engage them. Will Earth remain a haven for humanity? Or will it fall to darkness just as countless worlds before it?”_

As the narration ends, from backstage Ruby and Hanamaru begin lowering a costumed Yohane, cackling evilly, to the stage. Here’s where it hits another snag. They fail to account for the sheer weight of attaching a teenager onto the crane system. Their respective rope slips from their hands, sending Yohane crashing face first.

The audience breaks out in laughter. The show goes on.

“Cower, foolish mortals! Cower before the might of a servant of the Underworld, the fallen angel Yohane. For the Underworld shall claim this world as its own. Embrace the darkness now and you shall be spared, lest you desire a fate worse than death.”

Cue entry by the second-years, stage left, not yet in their battle dresses.

“Fallen angel Yohane!” began Chika. “Your reign of terror ends _now_!”

“We will never give in to the darkness, as long as hope stands,” You added.

“Go back from whence you came,” Riko said.

Yohane chuckles at their futile threats. “You’re all fools to believe in the illusion that is hope. You’ll all pay for your foolishness in blood. Come forth, my little demon!”

Who should enter but a hastily-dressed classmate playing as Dakka, the monster from the cancelled fight? Of course, no one in their right mind will arm her with real firepower. So they go for the next best thing: a pair of Nerf guns.

“You-chan, Riko-chan,” Chika said. “We must slay the beast. Get ready to transform.”

“Right!” You and Riko nodded.

Together, they raise their stones and cry to the heavens: _“Shine! Aqours Ranger!”_

As far as the script goes, the drop of the curtain should follow. Instead, Chika gets clobbered by a sandbag from above. Dia’s finger is on the wrong button. It does make the audience laugh again.

The curtain finally closes, only to open again a few minutes later. But something’s not right.

“Wah! Why am I wearing Yoshiko-chan’s costume?!” said Chika.

So what is Yoshiko wearing? Not a Ranger costume, for sure, but it drives her pale. “Urk…how did I end up being a walking _mikan_?”

Another scene for the audience to crack up. The curtain instantly closes a second time to rectify the issue, which they fortunately do upon resuming with the play. The battle comes next, as they play with their respective props. The fight scene, while not as true to life as the real deal, gets the crowd at the edge of their seats. The Rangers evade Nerf ammo, with Aqours Blue firing Nerf ammo of her own in response.

“I’ve had enough of this,” Yohane charges up for a pot shot at her nemeses. “Die, Rangers!”

The cardboard energy ball of darkness, dangling from the ceiling, moves toward Chika. But at the last second, Riko jumps in and takes the hit. “Aaaaaaaah!” she shrieks in pain convincing enough to win her a Razzie.

“Riko-chan!” Chika and You rush to their friend’s aid.

“You let your guard down, Rangers,” Yohane throws another energy ball, again heading for Chika.

This time, You takes the brunt of the attack. “Aaaaaaah!” she shrieks in pain convincing enough to rival Riko for that Razzie.

In fact, this entire play might as well be just for a Razzie.

“You-chan!” Chika cries at the sight of her allies falling one by one.

The fallen angel is now in a good position to finish the fight. “Surrender to the darkness or share the same fate as your fallen friends.” It’s supposed to be the cue for another energy sphere to appear, but Kanan accidentally pulls the trap door lever. Not even the almighty Yohane can see the ground beneath her suddenly disappear. “Waaaaaah!”

Whatever’s beneath the stage, it sure can create a ruckus. Everyone hears boards collapsing, glass shattering, and sounds that aren’t supposed to be there: a chicken’s squawking, a cat’s yowling, a dog’s hostile barking, and… _pigii_? Wait, how did Ruby end up there?

“I’m okay,” Yohane assures the crowd of mortals from the abyss, after which she jumps back up on stage. “Crap, I’m all dirty now. This is my best dress, you know.”

The play quickly gets with the program, echoing Chika’s defiant response. “I won’t give up. As long as hope remains in my heart, I won’t give in to the darkness.” Even without You and Riko to back her up, she attacks the fallen angel head-on.

Yohane’s energy ball finally appears on the set. “Foolish mortal! Meet your end!”

Two desperate attacks clash and vie for dominance. Slowly but surely (as the script dictates), Chika is being pushed back and on the verge of yielding. But she cannot afford to give in, as she still has a home and friends to return to. Upon realizing this, she gains a bit of strength to slowly push the evil back, to the fallen angel’s disbelief.

“Impossible! How can you still be fighting back?”

“You-chan and Riko-chan may be gone, but their memories live within me. They give me strength. They give me the chance to repel the evil.”

“You speak nonsense!”

“It’s not nonsense! It’s the power…of FRIENDSHIP!”

Soon enough, she realizes friendship is no match for sandbags. She gets clobbered by one. Again.

And the battle ends. And the play ends. The audience applauds the mediocre performance. One tries to stand up in admiration but breaks his leg.


	24. A Place in This World [For the Record, We're Still Waaaaay Under Budget]

“Chika-chan’s late…as always,” Riko sighs at the one definitive trait of her friend that won’t change anytime soon. Five minutes before the start of the first period, while technically not tardy, simply won’t convince her otherwise. Her hope for a friend, no less the leader of the saviors of humanity, to at least stand to be a bit punctual is reasonable. How can Chika expect to save innocent lives when she can’t even save herself from the penalty of tardiness?

“Don’t be hard on her, Riko-chan,” You chuckled. “She always does her best in anything to make up for lost time. And besides, it’s not like she’s gonna shift gears right away, even if you tell her to.”

“I know, I know. Still, it wouldn’t hurt to come early. Just to show she’s serious about—” Opening the door, Riko’s complaint is cut short, amazed at the sight of her friend in question already in her seat waiting. “Chika-chan?”

“Well I’ll be,” said an equally amazed You. “We were just talking about you being late again.”

A closer look at Chika reveals more than just being not tardy for the first time in weeks. The fine details like the missing cowlick and lack of a yellow ribbon on her hair go unnoticed in her friends’ surprise. Besides, they may as well be the results of Chika hurrying from bed just to get to school before anyone does (in this case, it may be symptomatic of running late).

It raises an interesting thought, though. What made her go to school early?

“Well, I’m just in the mood to get to school on time,” Chika said.

“Yeah. Sure you are,” a skeptical Riko raised a brow.

“But it’s true. For some reason, I feel like doing my bestest today.”

“Bestest?”

“Yeah. Best of the best.”

As unconvincing as Chika’s motivation sounds, You chooses not to put any further pressure on her. “The important thing is that you’re early. Let’s not sweat the small stuff.”

“I suppose,” Riko sighed.

Just as the class is about to settle down for another mundane day, the door slid open in anger. The sound of exhausted gasps draws everyone’s attention to another Chika, complete with her signature cowlick and yellow ribbon. And boy is she mighty pissed at her doppelganger across the room. “I’ve finally found you, impostor!”

“Ch-Chika-chan?!” her friends’ gazes dart between the two.

And just like any violation of Sixth Day laws, the two Chikas enter a standoff. The Chika with the complete features can easily be considered the real deal, but it’s never that easy. Maybe the other Chika is the real deal, reasoning that she just forgot to wear her ribbon today in her haste to—

Ah, never mind. The guilty Chika by the seat bolts and jumps out the balcony.

“You’re not getting away!” the real Chika gives chase, calling forth her powers as she follows the impostor in the jump. “Shine! Aqours Ranger!”

Someone has already forgotten about their little budget problem.

“Chika-chan, we can’t transform!” Riko exclaimed.

By the time the real Chika realizes this fact, she’s already in freefall. “EHHHHHHHH?!?!”

“Chika-chan!”

In a twist that doesn’t give a flying feather to the laws of physics, the real Chika catches up with the impostor in freefall. Before either can do anything, they impact and burrow into the ground Wile E. Coyote style. A fall like that is a death wish, but since this story gives physics the finger, the two girls will emerge with a few bruises.

“Well, it could’ve been worse,” You said.

Cue a falling sandbag hitting both Chikas. “Ow!”

At this point, the story’s just trying in vain for humor.

**~O~**

Some patching up by Aqours Pink’s magic (to both Chikas) later, the cat is drawn out of the bag. Here’s our resident expert for the details.

_While everyone is familiar with the typical fallen angel, black wings and all, the variation among this species of demons is as broad as Bertie Bott’s every-flavor beans. In this case, we have the fallen angel Yakusho, who lacks a default form because of her shape-shifting ability. She can take the form of any creature, mortal or otherwise, just by fixing her gaze for a few seconds. And nobody, not even her own kin, can see the shape-shifting process. A blink of the eyes later, she’s already changed into something or someone else. This makes her as dangerous of an enemy as the Rangers’ nemesis._

But the look of sorrow in the shape-shifter suggests anything other than defeating the Rangers. As she spills the beans, all she wants is to escape the life of darkness and live in peace. As to what use do mortals have for a doppelganger like her, no one’s really sure. “I don’t want to fight anyone,” Yakusho, still in Chika form, narrates. “I just want a normal life here on Earth. But Yohane-sama is making me go after you three.”

“I’d be more caring if you didn’t try to knock me out cold,” the real Chika smirked.

“Give her a break, Chika-chan,” Riko said. “She was confused. She didn’t know what to do.”

“She _tried_ to kill me, Riko-chan. Doesn’t that account for _something_?”

“No, she tried to _knock you out_. That’s different…and less dangerous.”

“Well, she should’ve just asked. Now I’m having trust issues with myself.”

“Come on, Chika-chan…”

The fallen angel begs for forgiveness as would a serf about to be beheaded. “Please forgive me, Chika-san. I never mean to harm you. All I ask is to be able to find my place in this world.”

“Your place in this world? You mean fit in?” You replied.

“Something I can truly be happy doing for life. Something that doesn’t require me to hurt others.”

Why give up one’s lifelong existence for something so vague? Everyone’s too emotional to know the answer to that. Heck, even the once-begrudging Chika isn’t immune, her rock-hard heart softening up to Yakusho’s plight. Whatever is a savior of humanity to do?

“Fine,” Chika said begrudgingly. “We’ll help you.”

A delighted Yakusho springs from her seat, shaking Chika’s hand in excitement. “Thank you, Chika-san! Thank you very much!”

“Okay, okay! I’m happy for you too. Now would you please calm down?”

She doesn’t. And in turn, the girls hear the distinct crack of a dislocated joint. The resulting cry of pain reaches beyond the stars, to the girls’ surprise.

“Chika-chan, what’s wrong?” a frantic You asked.

“My arm!” cried Chika. “I can’t feel my arm! What did you do?”

“I-I’m sorry,” Yakusho replied. “I got carried away! I’m really sorry!”

“You really _are_ out to kill me!”

“Wait, it was an accident. I’m s-sorry!”

“That does it! The gloves are coming off!”

“Please, no! Put your gloves back on.”

An enthusiastic pull manages to do what a two-story fall cannot. Aqours Mikan’s good arm dangles lifelessly, apart from its joint and the rest of her bones. Without her arm to translate to slashes and slices, she’s helpless against everything the darkness will throw at her. “Please do something about this, Riko-chan.”

Good news: healing magic takes care of just about anything down to the common cold. Bad news: it’s not exactly a substitute for rehab. “You won’t be able to use that arm for a while, Chika-chan,” Riko said.

“Eh? But you healed it.”

“And you’ll only dislocate it again unless you give it time to rest.”

Regardless, the Rangers are in a bind as a result of this, as You puts it. “This is bad. We’re supposed to fight Yoshiko-chan tomorrow. And I’d like to fight at full strength whenever we could.”

“You’re right,” Riko sighed. “But it looks like it’s just gonna be you and me.” At least, that’s what she thought until all three glance the fallen angel’s way. “Unless…”

The clueless Yakusho tilts her head.


	25. A Place in This World [For the Record, We're Still Waaaaay Under Budget, Part II]

“Sorry, sorry,” Yohane lands as she fits her gloves and socks in a hurry. She blames her five minutes of tardiness on the difficulties at the local laundromat. Thanks to budget issues, she can’t magically put away her dark garb and has to clean it herself, not to mention wear it like any normal clothing. “It’s my first time using the laundromat, so…”

Nevertheless, the belligerents are finally present for this week’s skirmish. Her three nemeses stand ready to do battle, but Yohane senses something amiss. It doesn’t take her long to figure out what, as only fallen angels can detect fellow fallen angels in disguise. And for some reason, she finds the sight of a tense Chika laughable.

“Are you serious?” she can barely catch her breath in between her amusement. “You actually think you can defeat me, Yakusho?”

As You and Riko express their surprise, Chika—clearly Yakusho disguised as Aqours Mikan—keeps her tense look. Her freedom is riding on defeating Yohane no matter the cost, although she’s aware that the fight will be one-sided.

“I’ll cut to the chase, Yohane-sama,” Yakusho said in Chika’s voice. “If I win, you have to let me go and never come for me ever again.”

“I doubt it, but fine,” Yohane heckled. “But if you lose, you must turn against the Rangers and return to the legion.”

The heightened stakes barely faze the shape-shifter. “Deal.”

**\---VICTORY CONDITIONS---**

Yohane defeated

**\---DEFEAT CONDITIONS---**

Aqours Rangers/Yakusho defeated

The conditions are rather simple…too simple. But a fight is a fight, and so the combatants ready to give each other a heck of a beating. Though, if this story has shown anything, it’s that it’ll simply be another curb-stomp battle in favor of Yohane. That won’t stop the Rangers from attacking head-on, though.

But not even God foresaw Yakusho attacking her allies intently. One _Paladin’s Cross_ for each of the Rangers, crippling them before they reach Yohane.

“What…Yakusho…chan…?” Riko struggles to get up, to no avail. “What’s going on?” You does the same, also to no avail.

The dastardly grin of a double agent of darkness finally clears things. “Sorry, friends. I lied.”

Even Yohane is dumbstruck. “Wait, what?”

Yakusho returns to the side of darkness, acknowledging her mistress through genuflection. “I have deposed our enemies in the name of darkness, Yohane-sama. Please deal the final blow with haste.”

Yohane finally snaps out of her shock, pressing her head. “So let me get this straight. You pretended to betray me, so you can gain the trust of the Rangers, so you can _turn_ on them?” Somewhere in that logic, she might have missed a few details. But hey, a simplified explanation never hurt anyone.

“It is as you say, Yohane-sama.”

“You _could’ve_ told me. At least a little.”

“I apologize. But keeping everyone in the dark is the only way to maximize my chances of success.”

“Fine, fine, as long as it worked.”

“Thank you, Yohane-sama. Now please, deliver your wrath upon these inferior…dullards.”

Down for the count, You and Riko are unable to respond to their imminent doom approaching. They can only look on, if not glare at Yakusho for her treachery. Perhaps the shape-shifter did attempt to kill Chika back then, only to go for the next best thing when it failed. But they only have themselves to blame for falling for her well-crafted ruse hook, line, and sinker. The signs were there like…like…

Huh. I’ll be damned. There weren’t any.

“Yakusho?” Yohane stopped halfway.

“Yes, Yohane-sama?”

“I have a better idea. Why don’t you deal the final blow?”

“You…want me? But I’m not…”

“You’ve impressed me with your plan. It’s only fitting that you see it through the end.”

“Yohane-sama, I’m…I’m honored…”

“Look, I’ll even give you a dark blessing so you can _maximize_ your chances of killing them.”

“I’m enamored by your generosity, Yohane-sama. Thank you.”

Soon enough, Yakusho receives her just reward, with the crippled Rangers as her witnesses. The darkness courses through her body like an aphrodisiac. Judging by her unremitting moaning and urge to reach for her nether regions, really likes this stuff. The fact that she’s showing satisfaction using Chika’s voice isn’t helping the Rangers.

“It is done,” Yohane said, albeit with a hint of embarrassment. “Now, finish what you have started.”

“As you wish, Yohane-sama,” Yakusho grins, her true agenda revealed upon slashing her mistress front and center.

What the heck? Now they’re fighting each other?

**~O~**

Hey Expert, is there something you’re not telling us?

_Ah yes, apologies. I should’ve mentioned earlier that shape-shifters are as dangerous to their allies as to their enemies. One of the reasons the Underworld hasn’t fielded an army of these creatures is that their loyalties shift (no pun intended) as much as their forms. Yakusho, in this case, is a mild example as her more fickle kin tends to jump from master to master at the drop of a hat. Worse, they don’t need to have a reason to do such things. It’s just who they are._

“Now you tell us,” You and Riko replied.

And their cunning is just as dangerous. The dark blessing is, in fact, just what Yakusho needs to fight Yohane on a more level playing field.  Everyone is had by the shape-shifter’s ruse, even the mistress she has sworn to serve. Neither of the Rangers lifts a finger to intervene, as it’s clearly a matter only the fallen angels can settle.

And if the series of plot twists in this chapter aren’t making things baffling enough, look no further than the other Chika crawling toward her friends. Riko told her to get some rest yesterday, but she never told her to bind and gag herself. Unless…

“Chika-chan, what are you doing here? You should be at home.” Riko unties her friend’s restraints.

“Chika-chan? No, I’m Yakusho,” cried the carbon copy.

“Yakusho…chan? No, she’s in the middle of the fight.” One blink later, Riko is proven wrong. The Chika before her instantly changes into a perfect Riko copy. “EHHHH?!?!”

“So, that means,” You falls silent for a fleeting moment, then a stark realization hits her. “The _real_ Chika-chan is fighting Yoshiko-chan?!” Unless there’s another shape-shifter that has entered the battle without anyone realizing it, her guess is right on the money.

Without the girls asking, Yakusho (in Riko’s voice) informs them of Aqours Mikan’s crazy plan to hit two birds with one stone. “The night before, I went to Chika-san’s house to apologize. But instead, she knocked me out and tied me up. She wanted to settle the score with Yohane-sama and grant my freedom in the process.”

How Chika managed to knock a formidable fallen angel out cold is anyone’s guess. 

Regardless, the double Riko distracts Yohane for a second. “What?”

Chika seizes the brief opening using her new skill: “ _Mikan Storm!_ ”

Eight relentless slashes in different directions hammer the almighty Yohane to submission. The dark blessing, which Chika somehow managed to turn into extra energy without corrupting her, multiplies the power tenfold. The girls watch their nemesis fall in defeat, a historic milestone in the struggle between good and evil.

“I can’t believe it,” said a stunned Riko. “We did it. We defeated Yocchan.”

Of course, the conflict is far from over. There’s still the granddaddy finale, after all. But for now, let the Rangers—shrieking in utter joy—savor their victory.

In the battle’s aftermath, both parties acknowledge the results. Upholding her end of the bargain, Yohane releases Yakusho from her service. The latter takes her time deciding what to do next in silence, under taunts from her former master that she’ll get revenge against the Rangers next time. Meanwhile, the Rangers themselves are more fired up for the battles ahead. At least everyone’s happy, even the defeated party (albeit less).

“It seems like I found my place,” Yakusho uttered to herself.


	26. Do Not 'Rush B' [No Russians and Slavs Involved in this Chapter]

Our intrepid (and underfunded) trio rushes to battle once more. The chosen battlefield is a grand stage where countless warriors have fought and fallen. Eons have passed, yet the scars of conflict have yet to heal, if at all. Only through unchallenged dominance in this theater of war can one enjoy ultimate glory. Only through running the ferocious gauntlet can one stand above the rest.

This battlefield is only known by one name: “B.”

Wait, just B? No full name? What do you mean that’s its full name?”

Fine, “B” it is, a plain circle on the ground certainly not big enough to contain Hanamaru’s appetite. This key position is at the center of the perpetual struggle of light and darkness. Heck, the victory conditions say it.

**\---VICTORY CONDITIONS---**

Secure and hold B until end of battle (20:00)

**\---DEFEAT CONDITIONS---**

Enemy secures and holds B until end of battle

**\---OBSERVER---**

Dia Kurosawa

**\---SPECIAL CONDITIONS---**

Fallen warriors revive after 30 seconds

Everyone knows what’s at stake here: a slice of the Ohara fortune pie. The amount is a closely-guarded secret, but it’s said to be enough to get the transformations working again. No longer will the Rangers and Yohane have to drop off their costumes to the cleaners after each battle, let alone wear them as they do with normal clothing. So it won’t matter who wins here, right?

Wrong. The fallen angel has something else in mind. Running a demonic legion is expensive, after all. And the latest news that the Underworld currency has dropped in value relative to the Japanese yen (JP¥1.00 = 1,000 Underworld credits) isn’t helping her situation at all. Besides, she can always wash her dress in Underworld lava, which is detergent, fabric conditioner, and water all in one. Don’t ask, I’m not a scientist.

At Dia’s whistle, the not-so-historic struggle for B begins. The Rangers face Yohane and two demon lieutenants, although the former stays at base and lets her demons do her dirty work. Nearing the contested point, the Rangers come in force, securing it in a matter of moments. Of course, the dark side won’t back down without a fight.

“Riko-chan, stay put and hold B,” Chika dashes off with You beyond the point. “You-chan and I will fight off the demons outside.”

“Be careful, you two,” Riko replied.

The eerie lull in B can get old pretty fast, especially when asked to just stay put. Maybe she should join the fight for just a bit, and then return to B. After all, there’s only one way in and out of B. Any idiot trying to weasel his or her way to B will surely be found.

Four minutes before victory, You calls out to her from the home side. “Riko-chan!”

“You-chan? I thought you were with Chika-chan,” Riko replied.

“Well, I was but I died. Yohane sure sent some strong minions our way.”

“Is that so? Do you need help?”

“Sure do. Don’t worry about B. We can come back later.”

“Okay. Let’s go.”

The girls race for the front, but halfway outside the point, You stops and watches Riko run off into the unknown. With a smirk, she casually walks back to B as the marker lights red from blue. “Hee hee, stupid Riko-chan…”

Riko reaches Chika who appears unscathed because the two demon lieutenants start clipping to the wall. Apparently, the Underworld’s internet is as reliable as the lava-soaked cables that provide it. Why these cables aren’t made lava-proof is a mystery. But with the threats effectively neutralized, the girls return to B to consolidate their position.

To their surprise (and not to ours), You has teamed up with the fallen angel following the loss of the two lieutenants. The reason is as good of a guess as that of any multiplayer gamer.

“Autobalance kicked in. Sorry,” You grinned, right before the nemesis icon appears over her.

“Now, your doom is at hand,” Yohane cackled.

Apparently, this battle doesn’t know that three-in-one is already a fair fight. This is why sometimes autobalance is frowned upon. “You didn’t brainwash her again, did you?” Riko said.

“No, I’m perfectly fine,” You smiled.

“Yeah. Sure you are.”

“Really, I’m fine.”

“Then prove it.”

For some reason, her proof comes in the form of skewering Yohane’s brain with a point-blank shot. Of course, the fallen angel isn’t amused, but she doesn’t take it against her. “You could’ve told them about the color of the circle,” she facepalmed.

“S-Sorry…” You shrank.

And death in this battle, instead of the body vanishing in flashy pixels, means going back to home base and waiting for 30 seconds. “See? I’m not brain—” You reiterates, only to be cut short by a blade to the heart. “Oh. I’m really sorry, guys.”

“Bad You-chan!” cried Chika. “Bad! Back to your room.”

 “Ooookay…see you in half a minute.”

The good guys regain B. But with 15 minutes still left, who knows how the battle will turn out.

**~O~**

As expected of a showdown, the tide of battle has kept swinging back and forth. Chika and Riko hold their own against the deadly Jimo Ai duo, albeit barely. B takes the brunt of attacks spilling all over the place, sending everything _including_ the kitchen sink flying like projectiles. The precious minutes trickle as B switches hands between good and evil. Ten minutes, then eight, then six, then four…

The last two minutes are the focus of fierce fighting, and it’s not just because the stakes have gone way up. The internet problem is starting to affect them, too, starting with Yohane’s attacks getting seriously delayed. “Take this!” she stretches her hand out in anticipation of a ball of dark energy that will destroy the Rangers once and for all.

Nothing.

“Argh! Damn LAG!” she roars at her useless hand. But she quickly changes her tone to one of regret when she sees the attack fire up after a long delay. “Eh?”

KABLOOEY!

An inattentive You becomes the target of Chika’s determined attack. With no time to get out of the way, she braces for the inevitable. Of course, the attack would’ve made some damage if Chika still had her sword. But it suddenly disappeared.

“My sword! What happened to my sword?” said Chika in a panic.

“Ah! Chika-chan, it’s over there!” You pointed…

…to a stoic Riko with the blade embedded in her nervous system.

“EEEEEEEK!” yelled her friends.

“I’m not gonna ask anyway,” Riko sighed. “I’ve been trying all day to cast several magic attacks, but they’re not coming out at all. See you in a while.” After that, she waves goodbye and walks away.

“Wait, Riko-chan. Let me get my sword,” Chika pulls the sword out of Riko who barely flinches, let alone say ‘ouch.’ At this point, asking for sense in a scene that makes none will only drive her crazy.

Less than a minute remains, and the struggle reaches its peak. The forces of darkness are close to victory, forcing Chika and Riko to step up their game. But at the same time, their internet troubles grow worse. Not only their attacks, but their faces and voices also begin glitching out.  Riko is lucky enough to return to battle after being transferred to another server by a series of bugs in the code. Whatever sadist released this sorry excuse for a multiplayer game should be sued big time.

“I’ve just had about enough of this!” Yohane channels her rage (for the buggy battle, not the fierce opposition) to her hands facing a rapid, massive buildup of dark energy.

“Yoshiko-chan, stop!” cried her teammate. “You’ll destroy the entire place.”

“That’s the _idea!_ Galaxy Crusher!”

Nothing in the Rangers’ arsenal can counter a concentrated sphere of malice. But as soon as the Rangers resign to a dark fate, a wave of magic attacks suddenly throws its combined weight against the darkness. “Finally! My magic spells!” exclaimed Riko.

Not that the collision of powers won’t prevent a chain reaction that engulfs the area, the airspace above it, and the screams of a group of girls regretting their decisions in life.

As the flash dissipates and the smoke clears, all combatants are down for the count. B, however, is in the blue down to the last second.

“This battle is over,” declared the observer. “I declare Aqours Rangers the victor!”

Finally, we get to see some transformations again. Score!


	27. TRAILER 2

> **YOSHIKO:** I don’t know what’s good or bad anymore.

_Sunshine STARS Project proudly presents…_

> **SARAH:** Fallen angel Yohane, you have failed us for the _last_ time.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** Please, give me another chance. I can and _will_ defeat the Rangers!
> 
> **LEAH:** Sorry, time’s up. Time to suffer like _all_ the failures before you.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** Wait—KYAAAAAAAAAH!!!
> 
> **CHIKA, YOU, and RIKO:** [simultaneously] Yoshiko-chan!

_The true faces of good and evil finally manifest. And one disgraced fallen angel must now pick a side._

> **CHIKA:** [charging head-on] Let go of Yoshiko-chan, you monsters!
> 
> **SARAH:** Then come at us, Rangers! Let your misery end you.
> 
> **CHIKA:** What the—KYAAAAAAHH!!!
> 
> **YOU and RIKO:** [simultaneously] Chika-chan! KYAAAAAAAHH!!!

_A great battle becomes inevitable. But who shall take up the mantle that protects humanity?_

> **YOSHIKO:** Chika…You…Riri…where…did you…go…?

**~O~**

> **YOSHIKO:** Hey, have you seen Chika and the others?
> 
> **KANAN:** …who?
> 
> **DIA:** It’s always been the six of us. No more, no less.

_The oblivious denizens of Earth stand on the precipice of disaster._

> **MARI:** Don’t worry. I still know them.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** What’s going on, Mari-san?
> 
> **MARI:** Everything up to now has been a ruse. And they took the bait.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** A ruse? For what?
> 
> **MARI:** [slides a stone forward] For this.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** This power…another Ranger stone?
> 
> **MARI:** Exactly. Do you accept this power, _former_ fallen angel Yohane?
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** I no longer want to be involved. The time of Yohane is over.

_To save all that is true, one must learn to turn darkness…into hallowed light._

> **YOSHIKO:** SHINE! AQOURS RANGER!
> 
> [One transformation sequence later…]
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** Soar! Aqours White!

**~O~**

> **MARI:** It’s too dangerous to save the world alone. You’ll need some support.

_Humanity’s last hope will be…a team._

> **ASUNA:** Yoshiko-chan! It’s been a while.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** A-Asuna? What are you doing here? And it’s Yohane!
> 
> **ASUNA:** Can’t an old friend help save the world?
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** This isn’t a game, Asuna. You can get killed for real.
> 
> **ASUNA:** Oh please, it’s not like this is the first time.

_Drawn from countless worlds, all besieged by the darkness, the chosen gather for a grand battle._

_[BGM: Mayhem - Ace Combat Zero]_

> **ITAMI:** Hunter One, everything close to our asses is hostile! Light ‘em up!
> 
> **HUNTER ONE:** Hunter One copies. Danger close, repeat danger close. [gun and rocket fire]

_The unlikely hero of the world beyond…_

> **GILGAMESH:** Come at me, cretins. I will cut you into small pieces so that I can cut you into even _smaller_ pieces! Muahahahaha!
> 
> **ITAMI:** [sarcastic] You’d make one heck of a host in a cooking show.

_The reformed villain, banished by darkness…_

> **YOSHIKO:** [parries an enemy] Asuna, switch!
> 
> **ASUNA:** Got it! Here I go!

_The veteran of virtual conflicts…_

> **JOSHUA:** Sorry to disappoint you. But if I fall for a beautiful girl like you, Estelle wouldn't let me hear the end of it.

_The cunning defector from a sinister organization…_

> **MONIKA:** Enemy contacts coming in hot.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** How many?
> 
> **MONIKA:** Enough for everyone.

_The girl not of flesh and blood…_

> **MARI:** Welcome to Task Force Tenshi. Best handpicked group of fighters from many worlds. And this will be your grand stage.

_The epic conclusion to the Aqours Rangers saga…_

> **MARI:** Commence “Operation: Angel’s Honor.”

_[END BGM]_

**~O~**

> **YOSHIKO:** I don’t know what’s good or bad anymore.
> 
> **ITAMI:** Know what I think? Good and evil don’t exactly wear white and black.
> 
> _The battle begins. Fall 2018._

 


	28. Back to Square One [Snakes, Ladders, and a Roll of the Dice]

Our intrepid heroes are caught in another dimension once more. Fortunately, they don’t have to be immobile mounds of fluff and filler. But their movements, and ultimately their fate, will be decided with the roll of a monster dice—another of Yohane’s demon lieutenants.

I swear. Her minions are growing weirder and weirder.

**\---VICTORY CONDITIONS---**

Any Aqours Ranger reaches Square 100

**\---DEFEAT CONDITIONS---**

Yohane reaches Square 100

**\---OBSERVER/DICEMASTER---**

Kanan Matsuura

**\---SPECIAL CONDITIONS---**

Aqours Rangers and Yohane cannot fight each other

Kanan will roll the dice monster for all players

“Hey,” Kanan calls out to her miniaturized friends on the 100-square board of slithering serpents and rickety ladders. In her friends’ eyes, she’s a giant watching over the game of chance to ensue. “You guys look like ants from up here.”

From the side of the board, the dice monster cackles at his eagerness to start the game.  He’s as small as a normal dice, as well as the four players. For fairness’ sake, he agrees to be rolled by the observer instead of rolling himself. “Okay, hot stuff. Roll me up and get this game underway.”

“Hot…stuff?”

“Hah! No one told you about your curves, missy?”

As awkward as it feels to have a talking dice call her sexy, Kanan picks up the dice and makes her first roll of the game. The monster retracts his limbs and head as his rolls down the board, perhaps to avoid his body influencing the outcome. The rolling finally comes to a halt near the edge of the board: a six.

Yohane goes first. And she’s ecstatic to be taking a considerable lead. “Yeah! A ladder at Square 6!” The ladder sends her up to Square 27.

“Kanan-chan, what gives?” said an indignant Chika. “You’re supposed to be _our_ friend.”

“I-I’m not doing this on purpose, I swear,” Kanan replied.

This classic board game has always been about luck, so this peculiar battle of light and darkness is one, as well. Not that an upset Chika will accept, if not realize, this anytime soon, especially when a roll of the dice only gets her up to Square 4. No ladders to take her farther.

It’s You’s turn next. A roll of the dice gives her a six. “All right! Up the ladder I go!” That’s what she thought, only to be met with a blast from the fallen angel on Square 27. The ladder is cut lengthwise, no longer climbable. “Whoa! What gives, Yoshiko-chan?!”

“Can’t let you catch up to me,” Yohane answered. “And don’t call me Yoshiko!”

“But the rules say you can’t harm us.”

“No, I can’t. But at least I can make this difficult for you.”

“What? That’s not fair!”

The fallen angel cackles from her unassailable position. “Then bite me!”

Ending the first round is a roll of one, prompting Riko to move to Square 1. In her haste, however, she steps on a snake’s tail sitting by the edge of the square. On the other end, the snake hisses in pain and moves its head from 76 to the blank 77. It’s a good thing these are ordinary snakes, not rattlesnakes or cobras.

“Oh…I’m sorry,” said Riko in hush tones.

So they can change the way the board is arranged as long as they’re in the associated square. Good to know, good to know.

**~O~**

Leaving a trail of destroyed ladders, the fallen angel draws closer to the finish line. At Square 83, the last of the ladders fall before her spiteful might, denying a quick victory to her nemeses. On top of that, she has her fair share of walking under ladders, so the presence of the accursed tool only adds to her vexation. And the Rangers can only whine at the biggest cheater in human history.

“Yoshiko-chan, you’re not playing fair,” cried Chika from Square 35. “How are we gonna explain to the owner of this board about the ladders you ruined?”

“Yohane!” yelled the fallen angel. “And I’m a servant of darkness! I’m NOT supposed to play fair!”

Kanan glances away from the awkwardness. “I don’t think anyone would care, either way.” After which, she rolls a five for Riko, who moves to Square 42.

Where a snake instantly gobbles her up before she can even scream. It poops her back to Square 17. And by “poop,” it’s exactly what it says on the tin…minus the smell, of course. Heck, the snakes here don’t even come with organs.

“Riko-chan, are you okay?” called Chika.

“I just got treated like poo by a snake. I’m _totally_ all right,” Riko’s sarcasm, an occurrence once in a blue moon, kicks in. However, being sarcasm, it gets lost in context.

One thing the Rangers can agree on: they’re losing the fight, due in no small part of Kanan’s lucky rolls for Yohane. Or maybe, it’s not luck, as the dice monster is still in service to the darkness. They need evidence, however, and it’s up to the sharp-eyed You to watch the dice monster as he makes a roll for his mistress. Another six takes the fallen angel to Square 89, a row away from victory, much to Chika’s vexation.

You watches roll after roll, looking for anything that reeks of bad faith. But even as Yohane reaches the last three squares to victory, she cannot find anything. Time is running out for our intrepid trio. She looks on helplessly as the dice rolls around Kanan’s hand, as if comfortable with the surface.

Then, a Eureka moment: _Wait a minute! Curves?!_

Before Kanan can toss the dice, You fires an arrow straight into her friend’s hand. The hit—and the resulting jerk—throw the dice off of its planned rhythm. Instead of an easy victory with a three, the dice ends up with another six. To her frustration, Yohane reaches Square 100 but must take three steps back, as per game mechanics. 

“Riko-chan!” yelled You. “Step on your snake’s tail. Hurry!”

Without asking, Riko stomps the tail of a snake whose head is at Square 97. This show of violence against animals (don’t sue me, PETA) tosses the snake to Square 98—exactly where Yohane lands.

“H-Hey! You can’t just—” the fallen angel retorts, moments before being gobbled up and sent to the same square as Riko.

“Oh, uh…hello there, Yocchan…” fidgets a red-faced Riko.

“We can YohaRiko later, Riri.”

“Uh, yeah…right…”

Kanan rubs her hand hit by the arrow. “Sorry, Kanan-chan,” You said. “But that monster used your _curves_ in your hand to adjust its roll and land numbers that favor Yoshiko-chan. So I disrupted the throw at the last second.”

“I didn’t even realize that,” replied a shocked Kanan. “Still, that really stung.”

“You-chan, you’re a genius!” cried Chika with glee.

You chuckles in response to the accolade. “I just realized that the dice enjoyed Kanan-chan’s curves a _tad too much_.”

Aqours Blue’s impressive deduction, however, is but a minor setback. Yohane still controls the dice, and the game cannot proceed without one. “Foolish mortals,” she cackled. “As long as the dice is my little demon, my victory is still guaranteed. Dice Monster, roll for me once more!”

The little demon complies, throwing his weight in midair again, confident that it will translate to a good roll. But this time, the Rangers exactly know how to counter his treachery. You fires an arrow just before the dice hits the surface, disrupting the roll again. And with a dismal two, Yohane takes two steps forward, never to benefit from a ladder she had destroyed with her scorched earth policy.

“Don’t let the dice roll a good one for Yoshiko-chan!” You announced. “If it can’t be helped, make sure she lands on the snakes!”

“Fools! And it’s YOHANE!” yelled the fallen angel.

The struggle across the board drags on for hours, driving Kanan past the point of boredom and even having to leave them because of a customer who wants to go diving. You’s strategy works half of the time, slowing the fallen angel down but sometimes landing not where the Rangers want her to. For such cases, they resort to animal cruelty again, stepping on the snakes’ tail at the right moment.  As time passed, Yohane also began to employ the same methods, making the fight drag on even longer.

It may seem that there’s no ending for this wacky chapter. But you know what grandma used to say: “Step on a snake’s tail and you get the fangs.” Granted that these snakes lack fangs, that won’t stop them from rising up against their oppressors. “I think we’ve made the mad,” Riko shudders before the imposing aura of the snakes.

Yohane responds with force, sending a ball of dark energy toward a nearby snake. But with its tail, the snake simply brushes her live threat aside, instead fatally hitting her little demon. “Uh oh.”

“I don’t suppose they’ll listen to reason, won’t they?” Chika laughed nervously.

“Of course, they will. They’re _snakes_ ,” You laughed with her friend.

Nope.


	29. Training From Hell [You Call This a Fan Fiction Chapter, Maggot?!] (Part 1)

“I was watching this old war movie last night and it was _awesome_ ,” You munches on her fried eggs at the company of her closest friends during lunch.

Chika and Riko lend their ears to her awe for the movie’s protagonist: a drill sergeant nasty enough to make R. Lee Ermey cry (taps to the old man, by the way). As such, it’s his job to whip the recruits or “maggots” to lean, mean, fighting machines.  Even with the profanity You hesitates to mention (for rating reasons, obviously), she sees the character development as nothing short of awesome. So it’s only natural for the two to feel at odds with this newfound side of their friend.

“You don’t seem like the type to be into those movies,” Riko remarked.

“Well, Dad sent me a bunch of DVDs recently,” You replied. “He told me to watch every single one before he goes home for the holidays. And I’m just at my third one.”

“Third? How many did he send you?”

“Twenty, I think?”

Riko recoils at the mention of a fairly big number. “That’s a lot of war movies, You-chan.”

“I know, right? I’ll be watching a German one tonight. It’s said to be an award-winning one.”

“You’re pulling an all-nighter?”

Lending an ear to the exchange, Chika finally pitches in her two yen on the matter…with one of her crazy ideas. “Hey, hey, you think we can have a drill sergeant kick us around to get stronger?” You and Riko look at each other confused, even more as their friend further expounds on her idea. “Just imagine if he can train us to become better Aqours Rangers.”

“If anyone is even willing to train us,” Riko answers with an awkward smile.

“Don’t say that, Riko-chan,” Chika replied. “I’m sure there’s one.”

OH YES THERE’S ONE.

“See? Even this gruff voice behind us agrees.”

Finally realizing that something’s amiss (like five seconds too late), the girls turn around and face the gruff voice.  A man in black uniform with an eye patch on his left to match stands before them. He’s got such a commanding aura that his lines in this chapter are basically UPPERCASED.

SO, YOU’RE THE ROOKIES GIVING LADY YOHANE A HELL OF A TIME. MY GRANDMA AND HER OLD BOOMSTICK LOOK MORE MENACING THAN YOU LOT. AND SHE’S BEEN DEAD FOR _CENTURIES!_

“Yohane…sama? Wait, you’re not—”

I’M THE GRINDER WHO POLISHED HER TO WHAT SHE IS TODAY. AND YOU THREE ARE SORRY EXCUSES FOR BEING HER RIVALS. LOOK AT YOU THREE, SMILING AS IF YOUR FRIED EGGS ARE CRACKING UP JOKES. WELL, I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT SALADS DO A FAR BETTER JOB.

“Crap…he must be Yoshiko-chan’s drill sergeant,” You said to Riko in hush tones. “And if that’s any indication, they’re _nastier_.” They look on as Chika and the drill sergeant from Hell butt heads over the matter of what food makes you laugh better.

It doesn’t last long, though, as the drill sergeant is here on a mission entrusted to him by the fallen angel herself. But what can a man who spends more time in Demon Boot Camp than in the front do against three girls blessed by the Heavens? To be fair, drill sergeants more or less have fought in the front for a while, if not are physically fit and are effective leaders. Still, he sees a confident Chika just about to wipe the floor with him.

Exactly like he wants. YOU WANT RESPECT, KID? SIMPLE. MAKE ME MOVE FROM THIS SPOT.

**\---VICTORY CONDITIONS---**

Demon Drill Sergeant is moved at least an inch by an attack

**\---DEFEAT CONDITIONS---**

Demon Drill Sergeant is moved less than an inch by an attack

Demon Drill Sergeant remains unmoved by an attack

**\---OBSERVER---**

Hanamaru Kunikida

“You want _me_? To move _you_?” said a dumbfounded Chika.

THROW EVERYTHING YOU’VE GOT IN ONE ATTACK. I DON’T GIVE A GODDAMN FEATHER HOW. YOU PULL THAT OFF AND I’LL RETREAT QUIETLY.

“Well, that shouldn’t be hard,” Chika walks up to the muscular sergeant and begins pushing him. “All you have to do is—oomf! Ugh! Argh!” She pushes with all her might, but she may as well be pushing a deeply-rooted tree. The sergeant chuckles at her futile attempts until the latter runs out of breath exhausting every style of pushing in the book.

NEED I REMIND YOU THAT YOU MAGGOTS ONLY HAVE TWO ATTEMPTS TO MAKE IT HAPPEN?

“WHAT?!” cried the girls in unison.

AND THAT’S ONE DOWN.

“And you didn’t bother to tell us this before because…?” asked Riko.

I DON’T HAVE TO. LADY YOHANE WOULD’VE DONE IT IN ONE TRY. ALREADY YOU’RE SHOWING YOUR ASSES FOR WHAT THEY’RE REALLY WORTH.

Chika had just about enough of the sergeant’s rudeness, although no one told her that’s just how they appear in front of rookies. “Hey! Who are you to speak _trash_ about us?!”

YOU’RE RIGHT.

“I am?”

YEAH. YOU CAN BE TRASH ALL YOUR LIFE.

Ouch. No wonder she transforms in anger. “SHINE! AQOURS RANGER!”

For the record, it was Chika’s idea to be “kicked around” so that they could become stronger. But even before basic training starts, she’s losing it to the point that You and Riko restrain her before she screws up their last attempt. “Chika-chan, calm down!” You pleaded.

“Let me at ‘em! Let me at ‘em!” Chika yelled. “I’m not about to let him call us trash!”

**~O~**

As soon as You and Riko come out of their transformation, the mission begins in earnest. Hanamaru suddenly pops into existence, measuring tape on one hand and her favorite _manju_ on the other. She may as well have a snack while refereeing the battle because both parties will be here for a while. The Rangers huddle to discuss their strategy in secret.

Not that the drill instructor’s impatience is helping hasten the fight. COME ON, YOU SLOWPOKING SISSIES! I GOT DEMONS TO BERATE AND WHIP INTO SHAPE BACK AT BASIC!

Chika pokes her head out of the huddle in reply. “Don’t rush us! We’re in a team huddle over here!”

PATHETIC. LADY YOHANE WOULD’VE GONE ALL OUT FROM THE GET-GO.

“Well, sorry! None of us are fallen angels. So just shut up for two minutes over there,” the Ranger Leader returns to the huddle where, in hush tones, she admits to the odds stacked against them. “We don’t have anything that can make him move. What are we gonna do?”

“Give up?” You grins, her out-of-the-blue sarcasm not well-received.

“That’s not helping! We need a strategy.”

“I don’t know. But I’m pretty sure throwing everything we’ve got at him won’t make him budge.”

Riko throws in her two cents. “Even if we _do_ throw everything, I get the feeling that only the first hit will count as an attempt.”

“What do you mean, Riko-chan?” asked Chika.

“It won’t matter if we attack all at once. Only the first one to hit will be considered. In that case, the first attack will have to be _really_ powerful.”

“Hmm…like a combination of our powers?”

“That’s a good idea. But we don’t have something like that right now.”

“Don’t worry. If our hearts beat as one, we can accomplish anything.”

“Sorry if that doesn’t sound reassuring to me.”

And to be honest, Riko’s right. It’s not like some ultimate attack’s just gonna come out of the blue and give the girls the advantage they seriously need. If countless TV shows are any indication, the girls will be tested in strength and spirit to be endowed the missing piece of their power. The test may as well include risking everything in the name of friendship (M3: “It’s a Dog-Eat-Dog World”), standing by her friends (M6: “You’s Woozy Flu Day”), and never giving up beyond the end. (M9: “Curiosity Nearly Kills the Mikan”).

For some reason, those examples feel like call-backs to previous chapters.

“We can do this, you guys,” urged Chika. “We’ve fought battle after battle with nothing but sticks and a rock.” And regardless of what you’ve read or heard, they _didn’t_ share the rock.

“Chika-chan,” replied Riko.

“Win or lose, nothing’s gonna happen if we don’t try. Now, come on!”

Not without their doubts, You and Riko give their nod to their friend’s plan. The huddle is finally dissolved as the Rangers face the drill instructor for their last attempt at victory.

TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH, LADIES. HELL’S ABOUT TO FREEZE OVER.

Without so much as a word, the girls close their eyes and hold their hearts closer. Their resilient focus harkens back to the words of the mysterious creature: _Anything you see or read in fiction, as long as your powers allow it._ This includes drawing new strength from their experiences to date. They don’t have to worry about memorizing some new incantation or strike a new pose prior to attacking. With their hearts and minds as one, everyone knows what they have to do.

YOU MAY WANT TO BACK AWAY A LITTLE, LASS. THIS IS GONNA BE BIG. The drill sergeant warns Hanamaru, who promptly flees to some distance with a _manju_ in her mouth.

Soon, the girls’ magical dresses flutter in a sudden surge of power beneath their feet. But their focus remains firm, as if waiting for the right time to call forth something huge. Shortly after, they raise their weapons and open their eyes to a new incantation.

“With one strength and spirit, we call forth the light that shines within! _Aqours Buster!_ ”

The evil-vanquishing triad of Sunshine Sword, Bright Ballista, and Sanctus Scepter disappear from the Rangers’ hands in an upward streak of light. But then, those streaks come back down and merge to form a unified weapon. Chika’s sword forms the head, You’s crossbow sits in the middle with two handles stretching out to the sides, and Riko’s scepter serves as the main handle.

Just holding the weapon overwhelms the Rangers. “Whoa! That’s a lot of power!” You’s grip on one of the side handles shakes. “Is this…really our final form?”

“We’ll know once we use this thing! Come on!” Chika tightens her grip on the main handle (being the leader and all).

The overwhelming sensation excites the power-hungry sergeant. ABOUT GODDAMN TIME. NOW, COME AT ME! SPARE NOTHING!

Just off the tip of the weapon, hallowed light quickly gathers for a charged attack. Within a minute, the sphere of light grows to its peak size, sending sparks all over the place. Pulling the trigger is up to an incantation all three must cry to the heavens together.

“Aqours Ultimate Assault! Shining Heart!”

The wave motion gun is unleashed, decimating everything along its path as the trope advertised. Forget hitting the drill sergeant head-on. From space, the ray of light can be seen dashing out of Japan to the direction of the Pacific. It’s a guaranteed hit, but nothing else is guaranteed until the light dissipates a few minutes later.

Did the demon budge? Let Hanamaru count with her trusty measuring tape.

“Half an inch, zura,” said a dismayed Hanamaru.


	30. Training From Hell [You Call This a Fan Fiction Chapter, Maggot?!] (Part 2)

_Previously on Shine! Aqours Ra—_ NO TIME FOR THAT, YOU SPOONY BARD! GET THIS GODDAMN STORY ROLLING!

_Screw it. I tried._

“No way,” Riko falls to her knees, her fellow Rangers still standing but just as dispirited.

The stretch of the measuring tape along the displaced earth doesn’t lie. The zenith of the Rangers’ powers, months in the making, has only managed to push the drill instructor from Hell half-an-inch short of the required distance. And even if they’re given another chance, their shaken state makes a second Shining Heart as likely as a megalodon attack.

As if the Rangers’ morale hasn’t hit rock bottom yet, the sergeant makes sure they’re past it. NOT GOOD ENOUGH, MAGGOTS. I BARELY FLINCHED FROM THAT SORRY EXCUSE OF AN ULTIMATE ATTACK. AND YOU CALL YOURSELVES HUMANITY’S LAST HOPE.

The girls, Chika most especially, can think of a thousand words to say to their enemy. But they’re in shock over their apparent weakness, even after coming a long way and defeating some of Yohane’s elite lieutenants. What has become of their struggle against the encroaching darkness, then? What horrible fate awaits the Rangers at the hands of an indestructible spawn of evil? And will Hanamaru ever stop eating _Noppo_ bread?

WHAT DOES LADY YOHANE HAVE IN STORE FOR THESE UPSTARTS? BUT ORDERS ARE ORDERS.

“Orders, zura?” asked Hanamaru in reply. The Rangers look up to the sergeant in curiosity.

AS MUCH AS I’M NOT ABOUT TO LIKE WHAT TO DO WITH YOU NEXT, I HAVE MY ORDERS FROM LADY YOHANE HERSELF. AND MY ORDERS ARE TO TRAIN YOU SORRY LOT UNTIL YOU MANAGE TO MOVE ME A FULL INCH.

“Seriously?” a flabbergasted You exchanges gazes of surprise with Chika and Riko. The sergeant’s glare their way totally speaks along the lines of “Seriously serious.”

“Why would Yocchan do such a thing?” Riko replied. “Not that I’m not grateful or anything, but…”

Chika’s mind has other priorities. “Does this mean we haven’t lost this match?”

“Sorry, Chika-chan,” Hanamaru delivers the bad news. “This is considered a loss. Your next try will be a different match, zura.”

“Rats,” uttered the dejected mikan. Rats indeed.

As grateful as the girls are for another chance, their hopes are quickly dashed at the trade-off, as the sergeant demonstrates with a snap of his fingers. In a fashion the Infinity Gauntlet can only envy, their surroundings suddenly dissolve into nothingness—including a horrified Hanamaru. Her last words include a long “Zuraaaaaaa…” before she and everything else disappears, to the girls’ horror. Then, in seconds, the burning landscape of the Underworld solidifies in its wake, specifically a boot camp complete with obstacles.

“What did you do?!” Riko’s calm demeanor is nowhere to be seen amidst her rage.

UNTIL YOU COMPLETE THIS TASK, YOUR WORLD WILL BE HELD IN LIMBO. AND THE LONGER YOU TAKE, THE MORE YOUR WORLD BREAKS APART. IT’S TIME WE GET _REALLY_ SERIOUS.

And just like that, _Shine! Aqours Rangers!_ just got dark. _Really_ dark.

**~O~**

The Rangers are facing an enemy unlike anything they’ve ever faced, a drill instructor that can hold worlds for ransom. The extent of his strength has never been in doubt, even from the beginning, but nobody expected him to be _this_ strong. And the fact that he takes orders from Yohane makes them think about the real extent of her strength.

Now, their world breaks apart as they linger before the obstacle course. Nothing out of the ordinary among the columns of tires, barricades, and barbed wire. Given that this is Hell, however, the tires may as well be trap monsters lying in wait for some unsuspecting foot to set them off (and be torn to bloody shreds). Just so we’re on the same page, their objective is _not_ clearing the obstacle course. The girls will see themselves redoing the course until they can beat the sergeant in his own game. This is the part that finally does the chapter title justice.

WELCOME TO YOUR TRAINING FROM HELL. AND I’LL BE DAMNED IF YOU ROLL CREDITS.

Left with no other choice, the girls run the gauntlet, starting with the seemingly-inert tires. “So…we just hop through these tires, right?” Chika stares at the rubber donuts like an idiot.

“Pretty much,” You replied.

“Okay, here goes,” Ranger Leader takes the lead crossing the tires. Everything seems to go smoothly until halfway when their legs brush up against something jagged. They don’t look down, hoping that it’s just their imagination. “Uh…were tires ever _this_ rough?”

“P-Pretty much,” replied You, less than thrilled.

Would tires suddenly growl and threaten to snap shut? No answer, but they don’t have to. They bolt across the monstrous rubber, jumping across a chasm toward the safety of the rope at the climbing walls. You and Chika catch their ropes just fine, but Riko completely misses hers as the wall decides to play a trick on her by stretching up. She hits the wall flat and hard before falling into the chasm. “Riko-chan!” her friends cry out to her, to no avail.

“Ow…stupid wall,” Riko groaned, moments before freezing up at the sound of more growling of a different kind behind her.

“Riko-chan!” Chika hangs on as she warns Riko of the danger.

What follows is a deadpan exchange that’s _almost_ a reference to a certain Disney movie. “Don’t tell me,” the deadpan Riko began. “There’s a pack of hellhounds behind me right now.”

“Yup,” the equally-deadpan Chika answered.

“Jagged teeth and foamy mouths?”

“Most likely.”

The pink Ranger shrugs. “Bring it on,” then begins the chase screaming like a llama—er, banshee. We’ll get back to her in a little while.

Meanwhile, the walls suddenly bend and hurl the other Rangers over to the next obstacle: an open field flanked by speakers. Prompted by Riko’s distant cries for help, the girls run across the field with all speed. But they’re promptly stopped by the speakers that suddenly blurt a sound more terrifying than anything known to Heaven and Hell.

*NICO-NICO-NII*

Chika winces in pain despite covering her ears. “Argh! That sound…”

“Chika-chan,” You winces, as well, with a strange, added effect. “I…I don’t feel so good. Nico…Nico…”

“Don’t give in, You-chan! We have to get through this.”

“O-Okay…”

*NICO-NICO-NII*

*NICO-NICO-NII*

*NICO-NICO-NII*

Dragging their weight across the field, Chika and You inch closer to the other end. The volume ramps up with their progress, eventually reaching levels that will kill mortal eardrums outright. You collapses and nearly gives in to the chaotic voice, but Chika grabs her and carries on.

The next obstacle looms before the girls, who now feel that they’re losing their minds. Under a stretch of barbed wire, they must crawl their way. Nothing out of the ordinary, save for Riko hurdling over them while pursued by her canine friends. “CHIKA-CHAAAN! YOU-CHAAAN! HELP!”

Not that they don’t want to help, but they have their own problems.

“Snakes!” You checks behind them to see a wave of cobras slithering toward them.

“Geez! What psycho designed this obstacle course, anyway?!” whined Chika.

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT? RAINBOWS AND UNICORNS?

**~O~**

One run won’t be enough. The Rangers are forced to run the course over and over until the sergeant shows his smug of approval. But run after run, all that he shows is his scowl, disgust for weaklings.  He sees the Rangers at the end of their ropes, struggling to even stand straight. To think just basic training (from hell) is enough to kill them.

THAT’S ENOUGH. He calls off the Rangers’ next run, to the latter’s relief. But oh boy will they ever regret letting out a sigh of reprieve. I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU MAGGOTS. YOU’RE THE SORRIEST EXCUSE FOR HEROES I’VE EVER MET. HUMANITY IS OUTRIGHT SCREWED WITH YOU THREE AT THE FRONT LINE.

This time, the stinging words hit home. Tears begin their exodus from the girls’ eyes, coupled with sobbing. All the more the sergeant loathes their pathetic state.

DOES SAVING THE WORLD LOOK LIKE A GAME TO YOU, HUH? DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A FOURTH WALL-BREAKING STORY STARRING A BUNCH OF MISFITS AND TROPES TURNED CLICHES?

Fortunately for us, it is. Unfortunately for them, it’s not.

DESTROYING YOUR WORLD ISN’T WORTH IT ANYMORE. YOU CAN HAVE IT BACK. LIVE THE REST OF YOUR LIVES AS TRASH. After a snap of his fingers, he vanishes along with the hellish landscape.

The human world snaps back into the frame, alive and well. The girls and their tears appear before a shocked Hanamaru. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“If I must construe, the Sergeant gave them much to ponder on,” Sebastian, Yohane’s former butler, suddenly appears beside Hanamaru.

“Ack! W-Who are you, zura?”

“Sebastian, at your service. I come for Lady Yohane’s acquaintances. There is much talk to be done.”

“Zura…”

Zura indeed.


	31. Danger in the Shadows [We Warned You It's Gonna Get Dark]

Tea and crackers may not soothe the suffering soul, but it can satisfy an empty stomach. Problem is, none of the girls feel like taking a sip or bite, not after having their will to fight crushed by scathing words. They don’t even look at Hanamaru, who wastes no time helping herself and urging the girls to eat up, as well.

Sebastian takes a seat opposite the girls. Since coming to Earth, he has been the biggest enigma in the story. A servant of darkness who still serves the fallen angel (despite an expired contract), he possesses strength that can dispatch the Rangers with ease. However, he strictly adheres to a code that prevents him from getting involved in his mistress’s affairs. And despite his loyalty, he assists his mistress’s acquaintances to the best of his capacity, like right now.  For starters, Hanamaru has yet to show any signs of poisoning, given how much she has eaten.

“By the way, where’s Yoshiko-chan?” Hanamaru asked with a stuffed mouth.

“Lady Yohane has returned to the Underworld to attend to a few matters,” Sebastian replied. “And it is considered _rude_ to speak with a full mouth, Kunikida-dono.”

She clears her mouth in an instant. “S-Sorry, zura…”

Sebastian then sets his sights on the Rangers, still too down in the dumps to eat or drink anything. His collected look persists amidst the gloomy atmosphere. “Please,” he urges the Rangers. “Have a bit of refreshment, at least.”

Hanamaru anxiously watches for the girls’ change of heart, but to her disappointment they don’t touch their snacks.

Regardless, the butler keeps his cool. With a deep breath, even if the girls don’t lend an ear, he tells his tale. He’s a man of mystery on a mission: to protect his mistress from harm. Even as the contract expires, it’s normal for butlers to remain loyal to the person they deem worthy of serving beyond a piece of paper’s bounds.

But even the most feared butler of the Underworld can only do so much. “I implore you, Aqours Rangers. Lady Yohane’s life is in grave peril.”

Somehow, “grave peril” succeeds in getting the girls’ attention. “Peril?” asked Riko on her fellow Rangers’ behalf. “What do you mean?”

“There are those in the Underworld that wish her end,” the butler continued. “You might even meet a few of them soon. But the truth is inescapable. If Lady Yohane does not achieve glory in this world, those with ill intentions will certainly use her failure as a pretense to end her life.”

“So…you’re telling us to _lose_ for Yocchan’s sake?”

“No. All she ever desires is a proper battle. She wants an opportunity to use the full extent of her powers to achieve _glory_ , not necessarily _victory._ ”

The riddle-like way Sebastian speaks only serves to confuse the girls. What kind of glory comes from something other than victory? Better yet, how does one achieve glory if the aim is anything but victory? In frustration, Chika scratches her head hard enough for some of her hair to fall out.

“Sebastian-san, you’re not making any sense,” Chika said.

“Give Lady Yohane the battle she longs for,” Sebastian replied. “Fight her with all your might. Show our brethren that her nemeses are not to be trifled with.”

“But how? We can’t even prove ourselves in front of her trainer.”

“That is why he came to you Rangers.”

The girls give a resounding “WHAT?!”

The demonic drill sergeant has only done what is expected of any drill sergeant: bring the best out of the worst. Even You, who has spent the most time watching war movies, only realized the harsh words were meant for motivation, not reprehension. Slowly but surely, they begin seeing the chain of events for what they’re really worth.

Why weren’t they informed instead? It will defeat the purpose of motivating them to get stronger. More people have grown stronger by being challenged than by being spoiled.

“Lady Yohane is worried that you three might not get strong enough,” Sebastian added. “So she sent for her former instructor to train you, in the guise of a formal challenge. He hesitated at first, but he ultimately cannot turn down a request from his _top student_.”

“But Yoshiko-chan risks losing if she allows us to get stronger,” You replied. “And if she loses, she’ll be…she’ll be…”

“As I have said earlier, she desires _glory_ , not victory. If the gods of war decree that she must go down by your hand, she will do so with a smile. Nothing else matters.”

“No…I…I don’t want to lose Yoshiko-chan. And I speak for all of us.”

The butler pauses, confiding his confidence to himself. “Lady Yohane is lucky to have good friends.”

Ranger Mikan rises, her eyes burning with a renewed resolve. “We’ll give Yoshiko-chan a battle she wants. But we won’t risk her life for it.” As she continues, her fellow Rangers rise with her, equally resolute in their new mission. “We’ll save everyone. Yoshiko-chan, our friends, all of Numazu…no one’s gonna die on _our_ watch.”

The butler stands up in response. “Then I leave her fate to you, Aqours Rangers.” He takes Ranger Mikan’s hands and grasps them hard. “I implore you…do not let Lady Yohane fall.”

The Ranger tightens her own grip in return. “We won’t. She’s our friend, after all.”

It’s clear that the Rangers need to win for their sworn enemy to win. What’s unclear is that how in the world such a statement came to be considered clear. “So…any idea how we’re actually going to start?” You wondered.

Chika ponders until the bulb on her head lights up. “Back to boot camp.”

“EEEEHHH?!” yelled her fellow Rangers in surprise.


	32. The Sunshine Awakens [The Lost Rangers From Their Illusion]

Once again, under the stern eye of the demonic drill instructor, the Rangers hit the obstacle course. The instructor, initially surprised by their return and the fire in their eyes, watches the girls clear every obstacle without so much a complaint from them. He had a few new challenges added since their disastrous run, but even those were cleared despite difficulty.

Granted, his harsh words for the girls had a metric butt-ton to do with their abrupt change in personality. But was he aiming for that all along or just gets really pissed at a bunch of whiners?

Regardless, he witnesses the Rangers do the course over and over, fifty times to be accurate. Not enough by demonic standards, but hell of a lot for human ones. PICK UP THE BLOODY PACE, YOU MAGGOTS! THIS ISN’T A WALK IN THE PARK! He yells from time to time but silently admits that there isn’t much to yell at. Are these really the same heroines who he gave such a hard time?

THAT’S ENOUGH. Clearly seeing that the Rangers can barely go for another round, the sergeant walks up toward them. Congratulations, however, are _not_ in order. IF YOU THREE ARE EXPECTING A PAT IN THE BACK, YOU’LL BE DISAPPOINTED. TELL ME SOMETHING. WHAT BROUGHT YOU BACK TO MY BRAND OF HELL?

Amidst heavy breathing, Chika speaks on the Rangers’ behalf. “We want…to get stronger. We want to…give Yoshiko-chan…the fight she wants.” Behind her, You and Riko nod in agreement.

I BET THAT BLABBERMOUTH OF A BUTLER SPILLED THE BEANS. REGARDLESS, YOU DID DECENT FOR A BUNCH OF FLIMSY MORTALS. Considering his out-of-this-world standards, “decent” may as well be a big deal of praise.

“We did?”

BUT NOTHING HAS BEEN DECIDED. YOU STILL HAVE TO MOVE ME. LITERALLY.

**\---VICTORY CONDITIONS---**

Demon Drill Sergeant is moved at least two inches by an attack

**\---DEFEAT CONDITIONS---**

Demon Drill Sergeant is moved less than two inches by an attack

Demon Drill Sergeant remains unmoved by an attack

**\---NOTES---**

Aqours Rangers only have three attempts

The girls are taken aback by the unfair change in conditions. Sure they now have one attempt more than the last time, but they quiver at double the effort that’s asked of them. Chika’s whining finally sounds music to the sergeant’s ears. “So not fair! Why are you suddenly asking for more?”

AND WHY IN ARGOSAX WOULDN’T I? YOU MAGGOTS ASKED FOR A SECOND CHANCE. AND I’M CALLING IN ALL THE SHOTS.

Still dissatisfied, Chika can only groan. They were barely able to move him a full inch before. How are they going to pull off a miracle this time?

“We can do this, Chika-chan. We _have_ to,” Riko offers a hand of comfort to her friend’s shoulder.

The Rangers nod to each other in assurance. As the sergeant stands menacingly from a distance, the girls summon their greatest weapon once more. “With one strength and spirit, we call forth the light that shines within! _Aqours Buster!_ ” Their weapons combine to form the giant blade that will decide their fate once and for all.

IF THIS TURNS OUT TO BE ANOTHER LETDOWN, I HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOU DOWN IN THE DUMPS. AND YOU WON’T LIKE IT, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.

The Rangers immediately unleash their special attack. “Aqours Ultimate Assault! Shining Heart!”

But the first salvo, while hitting the sergeant dead-on, barely makes him flinch. Heck, the ray of light simply flows around him as would an object inside a wind tunnel. Needless to say, he’s not amused. IF YOU MEANT THAT AS A JOKE, I AIN’T LAUGHING.

“Hold on,” You said. “Aren’t we supposed to charge this thing first _before_ firing?”

“Eh? Are we?” Chika scratches her head in confusion.

“Yeah. That’s what we did the last time…I think.”

“You mean to tell me that this thing’s not _fire and forget_?”

It’s a magic blast, not a cruise missile.

**~O~**

Learning from their initial screw-up, the Rangers set up for their second attempt. This time, a ball of light steadily grows just off the tip of the sword. Neither they nor their enemy are going anywhere, anyway, so they take their time charging. Not that sitting idle is advisable in a no holds barred fight, but lucky for them their enemy doesn’t fight that way.

On the minus side, they have to keep Aqours Buster steady for a while. Sadly, not a soul reminded them how heavy the weapon is.

“Ugh,” Chika shudders at the stress her arms are taking. “This thing weighs as much as a car. My arms are going numb.”

“My legs are about to call it quits, guys,” You struggles to remain standing.

“Geez! Who the heck thought that a weapon as heavy as a car was a good idea, anyway?”

“Maybe the past Rangers who had super strength?”

Riko hushes them for fear of earning the sergeant’s ire. “Shush, you two. He’s gonna call us out…”

I HEAR WHINING OVER THERE.

“…at this rate.”

 ANYTIME TODAY, MAGGOTS. WORLD DOMINATION WON’T WAIT FOR ANYONE.

The ball of light grows with each minute to no end. First, as big as a basketball. Then, the size of an exercise ball. And then, at par with Shiitake’s kennel. Once it got to the size of a boulder, however, the girls start to worry.

“Uh, this isn’t gonna blow up or anything, right?” Riko observes the giant mass of energy in fear.

“I’m sure it won’t,” assured the equally-worried You. “But what do you think? Should we release it now or wait a little more?”

Riko turns to Chika for advice. “I think this is big enough. Don’t you think so, Chika-chan?”

“I think we should wait a little more,” Chika replied. “We’ll need everything we can get. We can’t afford to cut corners.” Apparently, charging a ball of energy that’s already past boulder size is _still_ considered cutting corners. And that has her friends considerably worried.

The fretful Riko is done waiting. “I can’t take it anymore. Let’s just—”

KABOOM!

Their worst fears come true in a deafening explosion, the force flinging them to the other end of the hellish landscape. It also breaks the Aqours Buster apart, sending its three components flying with their wielders. The forest of dead trees eventually stops them but not without straying miles away from boot camp.

As if that’s not bad enough, the sergeant delivers the bad news all the way from his position. THAT COUNTS AS A FAILED ATTEMPT, MAGGOTS. MAKE THE LAST ONE COUNT.

**~O~**

The branches of dead trees rustle with Chika’s rambling. “Argh! This is so frustrating! We’re down to our last attempt and we haven’t even made him _move_ a step! What are we doing wrong?”

You and Riko slump in silence, dismayed at the fact that they don’t have an answer. If they fail this last attempt, they’ll fail Yoshiko, their friends, and all of Numazu in one fell swoop. They came up with the Aqours Buster as an answer to the sergeant’s challenge, but it has failed them three times. It’s too risky to try the same tactic for their last attempt. This demon is unlike any other they have encountered so far. Their ultimate attack, while successful in moving him, barely wounded him.

“It’s like he has plot armor or something,” Chika’s ramble continues amidst hanging out with the trees. “How can we defeat someone like that?”

Suddenly, Riko’s eyes light up. “Hold on. Chika-chan, what did you say just now?”

“Eh? Err…how can we defeat—”

“No, _before_ that.”

“Umm…it’s like he has plot armor…”

“What if…he’s not our real enemy?”

Riko may be on to something. Going back to the Ohara Convention, she explains further that only non-combatants like civilians, observers, and the arbiter have plot armor protection. These also apply to the Rangers and the monster of the week but only _after_ the battle has been concluded. In this case, however, the battle has yet to be concluded.

“But Riko-chan, I don’t see anyone else,” You said.

“It’s true that there’s no one else,” Riko replied. “But our real enemy might not be him at all.”

“Not him? But he asked us to move him at least two inches.”

“Then ask yourself this. Do we have to use Aqours Buster to do that?”

“Eh? Technically, it was _your_ idea in the first place.”

“That’s what I thought. But since Shining Heart clearly isn’t working, we have to find another way.”

The girls know this has gone on long enough. They walk back to the presence of the sergeant, who welcomes them with a furious glare. Even the bravest will reel back from being looked at like that, but the girls steel their looks in reply.

Instead of assembling Aqours Buster, however, they hit the obstacle course once more. Dodging man-eating rubber tires, outrunning packs of hungry hellhounds, and forcing their way through Nico’s relentless catchphrase. It doesn’t take a few rounds before the course soon takes its toll on them, barely a surprise from the watchful instructor. Their pace slows to a crawl, their breaths grow shallow. Still, even if the ordeal kills them, they don’t stop.

Several more rounds pass, yet the girls show no signs of quitting. A nimble Chika makes a mockery of the monstrous tires and their attempt to eat her legs. A shrewd Riko, despite failing to catch the climb rope every round, outsmarts the hellhounds in pursuit through the labyrinth. You blazes past the endless *NICO-NICO-NII* as she would brush dirt off her clothes. The rest of the new obstacles barely slow them down, much less break their resolve.

Then, things take a turn for the worse.

“Shoot!” Chika starts off on the wrong foot by the tires, one of which manages to clamp shut around her leg. “AAAAAAHHHHH!”

“Chika-chan!” her friends, with all haste, run to her side.

Her grimace is clear, but she drags the snarling burden with her. “I…I’m fine…”

“Don’t be stupid, Chika-chan,” cried You. “You’re in no condition to continue.”

“This is nothing. I…I won’t let…you guys…go on…alone…”

“But Chika-chan—”

“No buts, You-chan,” Chika attempts to make the jump to the climb rope but, to no one’s surprise, falls short. You and Riko look on in fear as the hounds close in on their staggering friend. “We…can’t fail. Yoshiko-chan…is counting…on us.”

The two make the jump, but not to their climb ropes. Down in the chasm, they carry Chika and walk together amidst the hounds closing in.

“You guys…” a teary-eyed Chika looks at her friends.

“We won’t let you go on alone either, Chika-chan,” Riko smiled.

Behind them, the hounds pounce all at once, their fangs chomping at the bit for lunch. But at the last moment, the Rangers turn around while holding a fully-charged Aqours Buster. With vigor in their hearts, they go all in on their last chance. “Aqours Ultimate Assault! Shining Heart!”

A bigger blast of light soon envelops half of the camp, easily dissolving their pouncing predators. It reaches the sergeant who, for the first time, leaps to the side at the last moment. His arm, however, gets caught in the light and is severed without a drop of blood. He doesn’t give a look of annoyance, this time, as this is what he’s after all along.

When the light finally clears out, the girls fall to their knees in exhaustion. Looking at the sergeant, their hearts sink as they realize that their attack had missed him.

WHAT’S WITH THOSE FACES? YOU MAGGOTS PASSED.

“Huh?” cried the girls in unison.

JUMPED TWO FULL INCHES OUT OF THE WAY. NEVER SAID YOU HAD TO HIT ME.

A long pause signifies the Rangers’ surprise, and their loudest cheer in jubilation follows. A mix of tears and cheers accompany warm hugs to one another in perhaps their greatest victory so far. Chika’s too elated to feel the tire monster burying its teeth deeper into her leg. Riko guessed wrong, but she’s too busy celebrating with her friends to worry about that. They’re only glad that the path to saving Yoshiko from an unknown danger lays open.

YOU KNOW WHAT COMES NEXT. GIVE LADY YOHANE A BATTLE ALL OF US WILL NEVER FORGET.

The girls stand up and nod all at once.

DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT SCREWING THIS UP. OR ELSE, HELL WILL WAIT FOR YOU. _MY HELL._

A snap of the sergeant’s fingers starts the process of returning the girls to their home. While tired, their heart and mind are attuned to the decisive battle coming up. There’s no time to rest, not with their mood raring to jump into the fray.

Finally, they arrive back home…to Numazu in ruins.


	33. Prologue+

In the 21st century, Earth stands on the brink of destruction. Legions of spawns of darkness, under the command of the spiteful fallen angel Yohane, stand ready to bring death and ruin on a scale never before seen. Starting with the city of Numazu, the legions terrorize the populace and drain them of their life force like a juice box. And with every victim they suck dry, they bring it before their queen who grows ever stronger.

“Ha, ha, ha!” Yohane laughs at the suffering of the unfortunate captives. “Yes! YES! Give me your power, mortals. Bow before the master of this new world.”

The captives, sadly, include her school idol friends. No longer protected by plot armor, they shriek in pain as every ounce of their soul is taken from them. “Yoshiko-chan, I beg of you,” Ruby, writhing in agony, is the first to plead. “Don’t do this. Don’t _be_ like this.”

The fallen angel instead slaps her. “The name’s Yohane! And you have the nerve _not_ to address me with respect. I expect all of you to address me as Yohane-sama from this day on. Simple as that.”

The rest of the school idols watch helplessly, suffering in their own way. Before long, all of Earth shall be enslaved under the banner of Yohane’s demonic legion unless a triad of legends steps forth and oppose her.

A weakened Dia musters what’s left of her strength to call for help. “Will _no one_ come to our aid?”

“Dia,” Kanan calls her out. “That was horrible acting.”

“And I suppose you can do better, Kanan-san?!”

“Not really. But this isn’t the time or place for that.”

“Then what am I supposed to do?”

As destiny would have it, Numazu is home to such a triad.

Outside the reaches of the fallen angel’s lair, the chosen ones venture into the danger unafraid. The rubble crunches under their footsteps, the sound forcing the demons out of hiding to meet them. A wave of hounds, imps, and abominations, however, will soon find out that they should’ve just stayed hidden.

“Ready?” Chika draws out her stone, pulsating with her mikan aura.

“Ready!” You and Riko pull out theirs, also pulsating with their respective auras.

They raise their stones and voices to the heavens. “Shine! Aqours Ranger!”

With the blessings of the heavens, three ordinary high school girls bathe in hallowed light. School uniforms give way to radiant, color-coded dresses. On their hands, they wield arms against the dark menace. For the mikan leader who inspires, a sword to cut through the darkness. For the blue sailor whose love of the sea knows no bounds, a crossbow to sweep the evil clean. For the pink maiden in search of the greatest tune, a staff to rain magic down on her enemies.

“Shine with glory, Aqours Mikan!”

“Steady on to tomorrow, Aqours Blue!”

“Sing with spirit, Aqours Pink!”

Together, they are humanity’s last hope. “We are the bearers of light… _Aqours Rangers!_ ”

The menacing legions swarm with their numbers, but they stand little chance against the heroines’ attacks. The front-liner Aqours Mikan cuts through the assortment of demons as she brushes off her insults. Supporting the advance, Aqours Blue takes out the enemies around the leader with a rain of arrows. Soon, a blast of cleansing fire from Aqours Pink carves a path to the monument of madness at the end.

The sounds of battle, however, don’t go unnoticed. “What’s going on out there?” Yohane calls for her servants to enlighten her, to which one kneels before her.

“Yohane-sama, it’s the Aqours Rangers. They are laying waste to your little demons. It won’t be long before they reach us here.”

“So…they’ve finally come. Pull the rest of our forces back. The Rangers are _mine_!”

“As you command, Yohane-sama.”

The servant hurries to the bulk of the army while the fallen angel listens to the growing sounds. She wears a slight smile, unbeknownst to her little demons and human captives. She takes to the skies, but not before uttering a few sincere words.

“Chika…You…Riri…thank you.”

**~O~**

With time of the essence, the girls hurry to the monument—the final stage in the struggle of light and darkness. At the very top, the black wings of the fallen angel loom before them, cackling at the foolishness of challenging her prowess.

“You think you can defeat me, Yohane, who has laid waste to countless worlds and spared no quarter?” she declares before the Rangers.

“Your reign of terror is over, Yoshiko-chan—” Chika abruptly ends after biting her tongue. You and Riko struggle to keep their straight faces.

“Get with the program, Chika. And try to talk a bit slower.”

“Y-Yeah…sorry…”

Once more, with feeling.

“Your reign of terror is over, Yohane!” cried Aqours Mikan. “Leave now and never come back. This is your last warning.”

With a hysterical laugh, the fallen angel downplays their threats. “Me? Leave? If you think I’ve lost this day, think again. I will use the life force I’ve gathered to crush humanity’s last hope.”

Suddenly, several streams of energy flow out of the dozens of her captives, including her friends. All of them writhe in agony as Yohane absorbs their life force for her gain. As the life force wells up in her, she too begins to cry in pain, as if trying to keep back something more sinister. Watching from below, the Rangers tighten their grip on their weapons in anticipation of a fierce battle.

Yohane takes on her final form: a spread of eight wings that blot out the light of hope in the sky, malicious magic seeping out of her body. A single blast of dark energy engulfs the battlefield in an explosion only the destroyer of worlds can dream of. Through the clearing smoke, the battered bodies of the Rangers lay nearly lifeless, to Yohane’s twisted delight.

“Yoshiko-chan,” Hanamaru called. “I think you just blew up You-san’s house, zura.”

In a panic, Yohane looks at ground zero, which indeed turns out to be the Watanabe residence. “Eh…my bad…” Fortunately, no one was home. “H-Hey, wait! Why should I care about _that_? I’m destruction incarnate.”

“Ah don’t worry. You blew up yours, too, zura.”

Not far from her, she sees the condo building collapse just in time. “Nooooooo! My fallen angel props are in there! And I just bought a new laptop!” Fortunately, and for some reason, it was _conveniently_ empty.

Hanamaru wears a smug. “Why should you care about that? You’re destruction incarnate, zura.”

“Shut up! And it’s Yohane!”

Yohane flies down to the now-unconscious Rangers to deliver her coup de grace.

“Foolish mortals,” she charges up for a bigger shot, one to take out the Rangers and all of humanity once and for all. “I have grown _far_ too powerful for any creature in the universe to oppose me. Now, you and your world shall _perish._ ”

Much to her surprise, the Rangers struggle to get back on their feet, starting with Aqours Pink. “Not yet…we’re not done yet.”

“Everyone’s…counting on us,” Aqours Blue followed suit.

“We’ve come…too far…to give up…now,” Aqours Mikan picks up her sword along with her will to fight. “No, we _can’t_ …give up. No matter what.”

Yohane cackles at the desperation of her opponents, ready to fire her own version of the destroyer of worlds. “You really want to die that badly? Very well! I shall send you all to OBLIVION!”

**~O~**

As demons and humans their witnesses, Yohane and the Rangers give it their all in this critical fight. Yohane’s final form, despite brimming with power, struggles to put down the agile Rangers. One hit from the latter is insignificant, but multiple hits from enemies she cannot hit are soon taking their toll on her. She’s forced on to the defensive as a result.

Meanwhile, the Rangers keep their mind to the stakes at hand during the battle. It’s not just the world, but also their dear frenemy Yohane. The sergeant’s intent only begins to make sense as sparks fly. Giving Yohane a good fight, whether she wins or loses, will help convince her fellow demons that she’s not as weak as they think. After all, a curb-stomp battle offers no real challenge. And maybe— _just_ maybe—the rest of her kin will think twice about invading Earth with powerful defenders at the forefront. Yohane will be spared the punishment for failure because they know she gave it her all in the fight.

“Looks like Sarge whipped you up to shape real good,” said an elated Yohane while dodging the Rangers’ attacks. “I was right to ask him for this personal favor.”

“Sebastian helped out too, you know,” Chika replied, followed by a swing of her sword.

“Did he? A blabbermouth will always be a blabbermouth, I guess.”

“But why this complicated? We were almost lost in your plan.”

“I didn’t want the more clever ones finding out too easily. All this still had to be under the pretense of conquering Earth.”

“So…who’s supposed to win between us?”

“That depends. I want to win. Do you?”

The ensuing battle is fierce. Neither side gives an inch of ground, let alone any quarter when the whole world is at stake. In one final showdown, they unleash their most powerful attacks.

“Take this! Galaxy Crusher!”

“Aqours Ultimate Assault! Shining Heart!”

“Are they for real?!” screamed Dia. “Numazu’s gonna be wiped off the map at this rate!”

Regardless, the two giant energies clash. Both sides push their powers to the limit, unaware that the already-ruined city is tearing itself apart around them. The power of friendship might just break the stalemate. But who should their friends root for?

“You can do it, Yoshiko-chan,” Ruby said.

“Ruby! What are you saying?” Dia replied in anger.

“Ehhh? But…but Yoshiko-chan’s our friend, too…”

“That’s true. But don’t forget Chika-san and the others are the good guys.”

“Well, that’s…uh…”

It doesn’t dissuade Hanamaru from choosing a fellow first-year. “I’m rooting for Yoshiko-chan, too, zura. Either way, our friends will still win, right?”

Kanan ties the score with her vote. “I’m with Dia on this one. Chika and the rest have been fighting hard for a long time. They deserve our support.”

It doesn’t take long for Mari to cast her vote. “I vote for the Rangers.”

“That was fast,” Dia said.

A wry grin stretches across Mari’s face. “Believe me when I say this. After this, something _bigger_ will come and put both of them to the test. This…isn’t over yet.”

The others can only look on and wonder at the cryptic meaning.           

The balance of power tips in favor of good, backed by the power from friends and family. Shrieking a longer “NOOOOOO” than Darth Vader, Yohane dissolves in a blast of hallowed light. The sky clears over a ruined city, the legions of demons scorched to death by the rays of the heavens. With the loss of their queen, the evil that has plagued Numazu ceases to exist.

“We did it,” said an astounded Aqours Mikan. “We saved the world.”

“Yeah, we did,” replied Aqours Blue.

“Let’s hope that this is the last we’ll see of her,” replied Aqours Pink.

And so, a new era of lasting peace ushers in.

And this time, this prologue’s not full of crap. This is what really happened.

**~O~**

Emerging from the rubble, Yoshiko utters nothing but pain. Almost immediately, she sees a helping hand from her nemeses, her friends for now. She accepts their help and gets lifted up.

“Are you all right, Yocchan?” Riko asked.

“I’ve felt worse,” Yoshiko brushes the grime off of her clothes. “Still, a win’s a win. You deserve it.”

“I bet you’re gonna say something like: _Next time we meet, I won’t go easy on you_.”

“I would. But everyone already knows that. Besides, as long as there’s evil in the world, the likes of me will _always_ come back.”

“I…guess.”

You intercedes. “But that also applies to good, so it’s all fair.”

“Well, you’re not wrong there,” Yoshiko grinned.

Together, the girls make for the top of the monument to meet up with the rest of their friends. For now, peace will return to the world and give enough time for the city to recover. Still, there are a few things that still need answers.

“Yoshiko-chan, is it really over?” Chika asked.

All Yoshiko can do is to look to the sky. “Let’s hope it is.”

**END**


End file.
